Tuesday, September 4, 2012

6 hours 28 minutes 55 seconds

This is how long we Skyped continuously tonight.

Not our all-time record, but by far the best we've done since he left.

I regret nothing.

I can hardly wait to see him again.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Deleting everything off my old phone.

Some texts I had saved to remember them:

"Haha, you're not lonely, you have plenty of loving friends"

"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially when concerning incoming and outgoing trends of music and art."
"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially your own."
"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially what the old people in The Villages give you. Such horrible drivers they are."
"Girl we be da cutest couple. That's why you shouldn't even care about that bullshit."

"Notes are nice, poems are sweet, but when I'm with you, my whole world is complete."
"Never forget you're always loved, if not by all, then by me."
"You put the air in my lungs and the beat in my heart."
"I miss you more than anything that has happened in my life. I love you."
"Dreams with you in them are the best I could ever hope for, have a great day."

And this conversation:
Daniel: "Last night I slept with my guitar. We stayed up late making sweet sweet love music. Oh how she loved to be played!"
Me: "Fuck your guitar, I slept alone"
Daniel: "I Love You"

Now I can delete these from my phone, but always remember I am loved. Jon told me something once, so simple and true, I haven't forgotten. "If you surround yourself with friends, you wil never be lonely."
You know, senior year did a lot for me in finding out who and what I am, want, need, and don't need. I grew up, and can't wait for the future, to put what I learned about taking care of myself and those I love to the test.

G2g, time to take on the world, okbaaaii

Friday, August 31, 2012

I feel a bit guilty

that I can't write about good things in here anymore. It's more of an escapist tendency, coming back here. When I have too many negative emotions brimming and I need somewhere for it to spill safely over without staining everything.

I'm unhappy. Why? I don't know. I blame my period.
Something that ticks me off about my conversations with Daniel, is the abrupt end to them that happens too, too often. I can suggest we go to bed, I can prep myself that we're going to part ways, but he'll say, "No, we can finish this game first," "No, I'm not tired yet," "No." But then just as I settle with the idea of talking with him for the rest of the night, we come to a point where he says, "Goodnight, Mona."

I'm not kidding. He's in complete control of the conversation. It's goodbye when he says goodbye, without warning, and I'm not allowed to prepare myself. I guess I'm just supposed to always expect it.
But I feel like if I talk to him every night without letting go of the reality that he's not really with me, and that we can't go to bed together, and that I'll have to say goodbye, then talking to him at all wouldn't be worth it. It would be fake, a formality.

So I like to let myself forget. It makes it easier to talk to him. I look forward to it every day.

So when he just cuts it off like that, it drops reality like an anvil or a grand piano in an ol' Acme cartoon.

Good Night, Mona. I have to go to sleep. I have to get my 10 hours of sleep, and wake up in the morning and go about my usual life. You have to get some sleep, I know you think you don't have to, but you do, so you can wake up in the morning and go about your life. And every morning you wake up, is another morning closer to when we'll be together again, right? So Have A Great Night, Mona. I Love You.

I know. I know. I know. I know. The only response I have is a nod, a gulp, "Goodnight, love you, too."

Sweet Dreams.

"You, too."

Dammit. I can usually get by. It bothers me, yes, every single time. It's just a let down, every single time. It hurts, every time. But I can handle it.

Just, tonight it's killing me. I spent too much time during the conversation being frustrated with the game we were playing that I was obviously, obviously losing. We played for almost an hour. I lost. Then we switched to that dumbass game of Connect Four, that I won three times in a row. Shit, it only took a few minutes. It didn't make me feel any better about myself, if that was his plan. And then he says goodnight.

I'm not blaming him for anything, he's not doing anything wrong. If anything, he's the sweetest thing. And he's damn right. Thinking of him helps me sleep at night, knowing I'm one night closer to him.
But tonight, I kind of just wish he'd stay up with me, or we could fall asleep together, and pretend again that he was here.

I guess I'm just bitching.

I really do blame the PMS. It's in that later stage where my emotions kick in and I get pissed at everything.

I miss him so fucking much.
Tonight's gonna be a bitch.

I thought it'd be easier when I got home.
But I think I've found a new definition of home,
and it's not here, not now.
Not until he comes back.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

And I'm selfish

because the first post I make in over a month, after everything in my life really started moving--my boyfriend, most of my friends, I finished up at work, I'm working out my classes, etc.--is about an old flame.

In my defense, it's the only thought that came, sudden and heavy, without any other outlet presented.
Maybe I'll talk to Kaylee about it tomorrow.
Daniel doesn't know.
I've been able to talk to Daniel, Kaylee, Rachel, about everything else, which is why I haven't felt the pressure to write here.
But I had to get it out, this feeling, idea, memory. I couldn't house it anymore, because God forbid, it would take root.

I'll tell him soon enough.
I'll tell him everything.
I don't want to have to escape to my blog.
I don't want to have to run away or feel like I have to drop unwanted feelings in this public dump of words meant for someone to know, but not necessarily someone I know or trust.
I just want to trust him,
and tell him everything.

And I will.

Having the self-control

to not tell that boy how you watched a movie today that made you think of him the entire time.
And how the one character you found mildly attractive became more attractive the more he resembled that boy.
And the way he leveled his face with whomever he was talking to
and the way his gaze was steady, unblinking, the way his was with yours
and the way his mouth was always just open, and the curve of his lips reminded you of the curve of his soft lips
and that afternoon when he stumbled into you by the door on the far side of the school, by the parking lot, pulled you close and asked, he asked, just for one kiss.

I'm not interested. And I'm not in denial. I'm incredibly happy with who I'm with, and seriously see a future with Daniel.
But that boy will always creep into my mind.

And while it's hard for impulsive, blabbermouth, flirtatious me to keep it from him
I can't bring myself to bring it up.
And when he texts me song lyrics tinged with desperation,
I can't reply.
Because I already told him it's not going to happen
and I've already fucked enough people up, haven't I?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Don't know what's wrong with me lately.

The painful effects of letting oneself love are finally kicking in. Signs of withdrawal, loneliness, longing, paranoia, drifting--like flies around my head. But I just keep telling myself, it'll pass. I lasted months with him miles away, yet now a few days without him are killing me. Maybe it's because we don't talk every night. We barely talk during the day, typically a good morning text and a good night text. Maybe it's because July is slipping away and I know when he's leaving and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, only that I'll have to. Because I am not letting him go. I am not letting my hormones, or emotions, or whatever it is that is eating at me, ruin what I have, because when I'm with him, when I talk to him, when I wear my bracelet and snuggle with my stuffed animal, I know we're so worth it.

I just need to keep reminding myself.

Cabin fever, a temporarily disabled mom, and these flames suddenly at my window, knocking on my heart expecting me to let them in again...it's making everything so hard. I hate to hurt people, but it's seems like there's no way I'm not going to. I have Daniel, I just have to hold on to him and keep moving forward.

I need to be with him again soon. Not only am I driving myself insane thinking about him, he is the suddenly the only thing and only one that makes everything feel better. I can't even bring myself to call Kaylee or Rachel anymore. I want to, I'll pick up the phone, I still have their numbers memorized, but all I see is Daniel, and just roll over and just to push everything else out of my mind.

I need to get out of here, and cut the ties that are holding me down. A fresh start, with just the ones I need--family, friends, and beau.

I can't tell if I'm running away from time or trying to run with it, but something's gotta resolve, soon, or I just might lose it.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

"And that's all I had to say about that."

And so, my epically (4-post) long life update is finally published. For easy viewing, here are the links in order of how I wrote it (as opposed to the reverse order you get by scrolling).


A lot has happened this summer. Mostly, I'm having a good time with my family, my job, and of course, my boyfriend. Life has never looked so good as it has lately.

Hospital soon, though, for my mom's surgery. A solemn time approaches. I'm going to enjoy all the moments I can possibly enjoy.


"Never" is a hard word to swallow.

"Never" is a big word. I don't take well to absolutes. "Always". "Never". I guess it makes relationships a little weird to me, the whole concept of them. Or at least, of them happening so young. Especially as someone who didn't spend her childhood dreaming of settling. Young marriage, young family. Commitment to one person, one idea, one thing. That wasn't me. That isn't me.

As I mentioned before, camp reminded me of that--possibilities. I'm thinking of Michelle and John. Tiffani and David. Then I'm thinking of me. Carlos, Jacob, Zaylin.
I had a dream last night involving Julian.
And then I wake up, and it's all about Daniel again. I remember what Julian and I talked about right before graduation. "We could've had a lot of fun this year", "We can still have fun", "This isn't a good time for either of us", "When we're both available to each other, I would love to..."
And I think about Daniel.
And I thought about all these guys, the things I remember about them, like their faces and their voices, and in my mind I applied in big red letters: "never"
I might never know what it's like to be with them--not just them as people, but them as a concept. Any other guy I might meet in the future. Never again.

Why? Because, Daniel.

"Always" with one person always scared me, because it applies "never" to everyone else.
But with Daniel, it's a little different. Less scary. More promising.
He makes me want things I didn't want. To live. He makes me want to do everything in the world. He makes me want to dream big, to travel and see and try new things. To know what it's like, to get married, to have a family, to have a grown-up life of my own. I think it's my desire for him to stay that is coming up with these fantasies. As if my idea of marrying him will anchor him to me, to this side of the world. I can go to work and come home to him every day, knowing he's not going anywhere. I could spend my nights and mornings with him without the shame of being desperate teenage lovers. He makes me want to grow up. With him.

Of course, I'm not in a hurry to get married; that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just such an interesting feeling.

I don't know if this will last forever, but as of right now, I wish it would. I'm ready to say, I'm kind of in love with him. And he's kind of totally in love with me, which will likely always be difficult for me to believe, although I want so much for it to be true. But he is possibly the greatest thing to have happened to me in my life, not exaggerating. Especially at this time of my life, after the disasters of high school and in the face of the fears of the future.

I don't want him to leave me. I don't ever want to leave him. I never want to hurt him. That's how I feel right now. "Never".

I just had a conversation with him on the phone.

We talked about something I've been dying to know...who is he? Who is he now, after everything he's been through the past 5 years? Maybe I was a little disappointed in what he had to say. He basically admitted, he's not the same person he was before. My consolation is that he's currently a mix of the Daniel I knew, and the Daniel he became when he moved. That's the Daniel I'm dating. But he told me, whenever he moves to a new place, he starts over, like becoming a new person. I already know, he's moved around a lot, and that's likely not to change--especially now that he has two lives across America. I guess I'm really just afraid of him changing, becoming someone completely different, leaving me behind. And the reality that we've both still got a bit of growing up to do, and we might not be perfectly compatible at the end of it. If we make it that far.

Part of me wants to freeze how we are now, this daily life of just trying to figure out when we'll next see each other.


I spent a week at camp enjoying myself and having a ball. And you know what? There were boys there (duh). There were boys with beautiful voices and beautiful faces and fascinating personalities and to be honest, some of them sparked my interest. Some of them were interested in me, too. But I came back to the dorm every night and either called or waited for Daniel's call, and talked to him for over an hour, or for five minutes, however long we had. And then I would climb into the top bunk and stare at the dark of the ceiling, cramped into a ball under two blankets in the cold room, aching for his body heat and the sound of his heartbeat and steady breathing. His quietly voiced sigh, almost inaudible, of complete comfort and content, when we're together. He wasn't there, but he helped me to sleep each night.

The last night of camp, we talked on the phone. "It's official," he said. "I'm leaving June 26."

It was one of those moments where your heart doesn't necessarily sink, but kind of bobs in uncertainty, something like shock and/or disbelief turning the medium in which it floated to a semi-solid jello. My heart was sinking, but very, very slowly.

Waiting for the best part of your life to leave is, as I have found, much akin to waiting to die.

And thus, the day back from camp was potentially the worst day of my summer. I felt horrible all day, and it was awful. Simple.

It was only a few days from when he broke the news to when a new opportunity popped up. August 8. He would have another month and some to stay here, and have enough time before school starts at Utah State to prepare himself. If only I wanted him to stay?

Of course, what could I say to that? I melted; it took everything not to beg him. I can't ask him to stay. I could never ask him to stay. I told him, he knew how I felt. How I feel. What did he think?

And so, the deadline was magically extended to August 8. Far enough away to soften the sting.
Still, it feels like we're bucket-listing. It's bittersweet, and I can only imagine who will cry first those last days.

Probably him. He could be weeks gone before it all crashes down on me.

And suddenly, I have so much to say.

In fact, I'm going to spread this over multiple posts so you don't get too irritated reading it all in one sitting. (whoever "you" are)

First of all, camp was incredible. Work as a graphic design intern reminds me where I'm going in life, by pressing me daily for creativity and new ideas and visual execution. Camp reminded me where the other half of my heart lies. One week, so many songs, and over 150 people who all came together of their own accord to do what they love. There was so much heart put into every moment, at that camp. My voice was so tired by the end of the week, but the songs keep playing to this day. The selection might have just been the director's choice, but they all meant so much to each of us, in different ways. Here Inside My Heart. Requiem. A Thousand Beautiful Things.
Oh, My Luve's Like a Red, Red Rose.

As fair art thou my bonnie lass, so deep in luve am I
I will luve thee still, my dear, tho' it were ten thousand mile.

Next post!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I think I may have just run out of things to say.

Life has been moving forward at something of a constant rate, now. Nothing weird to report, everything good to revel in and remember.

Actually, I'm getting scared. I've wanted so much, and I've waited, and now I have received. It's almost too good to be true, though I know it is real. It's like the past year being away was nothing, we just picked up where we left off. Yet it's like he's another person. No, it's not like that at all. He's the same person, he's familiar and safe, and I know him and trust him entirely. But there's this new dimension to him that I've opened, that is bright and inviting and adventurous. And I want to be with him every moment, and get to know him all over again. I want to explore this new relationship we have, with new boundaries and fallen walls and open doors. He's the same Daniel, but now he's letting me in, pulling me closer. I've never been this close to someone before, on all these different levels. Before, I could talk to him about anything, and he would tell me about himself in turn, and we let each other into our lives bit by bit until it's like we're both really there. Now he's physically here, and I can feel his hand in mine, and his fingers run up and down my skin, and his arm around me and his heartbeat against my ear and our mouths connected and it feels like we can't get close enough.

I'm scared because now we've made it this far. So what happens next?
I don't want to think about him leaving again. I don't know when the next time I'll see him will be. I don't know if this will be it for us, now that we're finally here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to put this away. I intend to enjoy my month with him, and not let the dread of it ending overshadow the time we have. We have so much to get done! At least ten movies, and Lights Out shows. How we're going to cram them all, I don't know. We'll see.

I might not post in this journal again.
I probably will, but it'll be few and far between, and maybe even dwindle all the way down to nothing.
Now that I'm done with high school, now that I'm done with those people and that school and this place, now that I get a fresh start filtering out the people I don't need and just holding close to the people I do, I don't think I want to keep writing. Not here, not anymore. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop living in the future. I need to keep my mirrors up to see both ways, but always stick to what's happening now, and be aware of myself, and the people around me.

And Daniel. I need to focus on me, and Daniel.

This summer is going to be the busiest of all, what with the private ensemble, and my job, and camp, and Daniel. But I'm going to make it the best so far.

In the event that, by the end of the summer, this blog is abandoned forever and maybe even deleted...well, if you're important to me, you'll know how to reach me.

Bye, now.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I said it without realizing how much I meant it.

I have never wanted anything,
not even graduation,
as much as I want him home.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Strawberry Fields, Nothing Is Real

I can't believe this is happening.
I can't remember being so excited for anything in my life.
I went numb, I had no idea how to feel, how to deal with my emotions. My voice was shaky. My words tumbled over themselves on the way to my mouth, and hardly any made it through. I had put the thought away all day, so unprepared was I to face it.
And then he called.

His voice even sounded just a little closer, like he was almost here.
I could imagine him, I could almost feel him next to me.
I'm delusional.

I've had so many things to look forward to.

The cafe was fucking brilliant, best cafe ever. We say that after almost all of them, but this went beyond all others. This was amazing.

God, Robbie is cute. I love him to death and will miss him so much.
And once again, Lauren's endless talents show through in this video.

Ana's recital was amazing. For the first time in the 12 years I've known her, I got to see her really go hard doing what she loves. None of that Golden Girl stuff. I saw her en pointe, and her senior (YOLO!) solo, that crazy modern superhero one, and the grande finale, in which she was the lead. I'm so proud of her, and proud to know her, and be her friend. She is hands down one of the most incredible people I've ever known, body and mind, heart and soul. She's a fascinating and intricate creature, a complex human being. She is beautiful.

Awards tomorrow, and the next day. Baccalaureate, Thursday. Graduation, Saturday, let's go. Party time.
As I've said, I've had so many things to look forward to. I still do.

But this trumps them all.

Waiting just got a hell of a lot harder.
I'm just counting down the days.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I don't even know what to say.

I have so many things to say, and no words to express them.

It's been weeks since I've written, or been able to write.
All I've been doing is talking.
And I've been saying all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

I've been honest, I've been straight forward. I'm not hiding anymore.
But I am wrong, I am guilty, and I am ashamed.


I'm just counting down the days.

End of the year concert. VMAs. Underground cafe. Ana's recital.
That week before graduation--awards, officer training, baccalaureate, and the ceremony. Parties.
I start my job.

Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.

I need June to come and rip me from temptation, to burn the last ties I have to this school and these regrets clawing at my conscience, and to bring to my arms the boy that took my heart.

June can't come soon enough for me.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Friends don't break up with friends.

Although I should know better than anyone that’s not true. A friendship is a commitment, just like a romantic relationship. And it can be broken. I’ve done it before, and I guess what goes around comes around.

I just didn’t expect it from you.

You’d think we’d be able to “work it out”, but it’s hard to work out something with someone when you’re not talking.
It’s been so long since we’ve really talked.
No one else seems to notice the change. Does this mean you’re just starting to treat me like everyone else? I didn’t realize this is who you really are. To me, you were always sensitive, perceptive, gentle, understanding…above all, caring. Yet the boy I knew has only showed himself once in the past month and a half, in a rare moment when we were together, and alone. Now the boy I see only ever answers anything with a “Fuck you, bitch.” And proceeds to pursue interaction with someone, anyone, else.
I realize you’re probably joking…but I thought you would’ve noticed I’ve never laughed. Not once.
I can just imagine what you think of me. Taking things too seriously, maybe? Can’t take a joke? I might even be being immature. So what, the mature thing to do is to shrug it off?

I think the truth is, I just can’t stand being treated this way. Especially not by you.

You know, I started off this post thinking he was breaking it off with me. I mean, he keeps pushing me away. I’ve tried to talk to him, and he’ll be receptive in an E-mail, but still rejects me in person, and around other people. I really don’t know how to read that. Does he want me around, or not?
Regardless, he certainly isn’t communicating as though he still wants me in his life. And I can’t handle being thrown back every time I approach. Actually, I’m sick of it. And yes, it fucking hurts.

So now that my thoughts are sorted into words, it looks like I’m the one leaving. But you know, it’s probably better this way, because God knows I don’t shut the door behind me. If he still wants to be friends, he’ll know where to find me.

Yeah, I'll admit: I've been avoiding talking about this. I've been avoiding the topic, avoiding the thoughts, avoiding making a decision--though truth be told, I think this decision's been made, for a while now...just never set in stone. So this is my distress call, this is me tearing out this piece of my heart and making its imprint in concrete. This is me making a decision.
I don’t know, some things you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs, off the top of a building, as if somehow by telling it to the world, it makes it more official. Like you won’t go back on your word. Like I won’t text him as soon as I’m done with this. Like I won’t try to talk to him again tomorrow. Like I won’t keep putting myself through the same bullshit every day.

As cheesy as it is, I literally thought we had something “special”. Based on evidence of how it was and how it is now, I’m inclined to continue believing that we did. Did: past tense. But that has gone and died, now, and it’s time to move forward.

I’ve gotta get out of here.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

An eventful morning

As much as I'm allergic to cute couples and related obscenities,
I can take sweetness from him.

Even when it's overwhelming, and he's(/we're) being ridiculous and lovesick, when it's cheesy as fuck,
well, I mean, it just doesn't seem nearly as cheesy, and is really quite tolerable.
And it's arguably the first time it's been that bad, with us. We're pretty chill, I think, pretty in control. At least, when we're talking to each other.
Me, on this blog, that's a different story. I say everything here that I don't say to him or anyone else. This is where all my excess fluff and other bullshit filters out.

Damn. Just reading what he sent to me make something in me do flips, and I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or a little of both because it still blows me away that this is him, this is the same little boy I took in in eighth grade, this is Daniel, and he feels this way about me, and he thinks the world of me (despite experiencing pretty much every ridiculous absurd uncensored Mona under the sun), and this is real.

It's just so much more sincere, genuine, from him than anyone else. Like I actually intrigue him, like I'm special.
Like we passed right over that initial, "Oh wow, we're in love, we've been dating for like a day, omg let's get married" stupid barf magic that happens at the beginning of most relationships and dies in a month or so, and went straight into just being a part of each other's lives, and being aware of it, and adjusting to the sudden but not very dramatic change.

I don't know how else to explain it. I guess this is just what it's like when you realize this is how you really feel about someone you've actually been close to for a few years in advance, and not just the couple of months before you start dating. Like, this is what it's like when you start something more--this kind of relationship--with one of your best friends.

It's interesting and exciting and fresh, and comfortable and familiar and safe, all at the same time.

I'm just waiting for June to roll around.

Counting down, counting down, counting down

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The best parts of my days are the nights.

    [9:08:15 PM] Daniel: :M

    [9:08:23 PM] Daniel: ^sigma face

    [9:08:37 PM] Me: SIGMA NOTATION

    [9:08:42 PM] Me: I THINK I GET IT
    not 100% though

    [9:09:04 PM] Daniel: just a dude with a sigma for a mouth

    [9:09:13 PM] Daniel: would make for some odd kissing

    [9:09:37 PM] Me: I'm not witty or knowledgable enough to come up with something punny related to the Greek alphabet

    [9:09:50 PM] Me: but let's pretend I am and just said something astounding and hilarious

    [9:10:07 PM] Me: LOL I AM A SMART MOUTH

    [9:10:49 PM] Daniel: haha . . pun . . .

    [9:10:57 PM] Daniel: 'smart' mouth

    [9:11:01 PM] Me: teehee

    [9:11:12 PM] Daniel: you're an alpha mind for sure

    [9:11:33 PM] Daniel: take THAT

    [9:11:36 PM] Me: I like you!

    [9:11:49 PM] Daniel: I like mew too!

    [9:12:00 PM] Me: YOU TRYNA FIGHT ME

    [9:12:11 PM] Me: SACURITY!

    [9:12:35 PM] Daniel: If I was trying to fight you, I'd have to protect my tau's from your high-heels

    [9:12:50 PM] Me: tau

    [9:12:52 PM] Me: tau

    [9:13:14 PM] Daniel: it sounds similiar to toe :N

    [9:13:18 PM] Me: my heels would've delta powerful blow

    [9:13:25 PM] Daniel: I LOVE YOU

On another note, I had a lazy day today. Excited about getting a schmancy new phone for graduation, though. Samsung Rant, you have served me well these past 3-4 years. But it's time for an upgrade.

Better finish up that assignment that was due last Wednesday LOL. And start my Lit final.


was an amazing day.

I met five brilliant, beautiful artists from around the tri-county area. Muriel and Maria were sweet, and Cynthia was adorable. Hannah was aggressive, but harmless and even friendly. Katelyn was the real intimidator, and I didn't speak a word to her. I don't think any of us did. She's the salutatorian at West Port, and an avid painter. She was dressed sharply and quirky, kept to herself, and was the first to leave.

Palooza was insane. So it sucks that 80% of the things in which I participate somehow flop. Little Lion Man could've been incredible hadn't all those things happened (such as my mic being off, the piano glitching, and the equipment crashing to the ground). It was still exciting though, from what I could hear from the gazebo (I couldn't see a thing). At least Lauren's act was cute, and mad fun. Just goes to show, the more you get into it, the better it turns out, eh?

Getting rained out was a blessing in disguise, because I can't remember the last time I had that much fun after a show. I'm not sure I ever have. Not going into much detail, but with all the equipment in the band room and everyone leaving, the boys plugged their shit back in and we all rocked out. Hard. Jonah had already set up the drum set the minute all the parts were in, Robbie grabbed his guitar, Stephen took bass and Blair hooked up the mic. We shot through Melrose Diner, Sugar We're Goin' Down, and godfuckingdamn American Idiot, and it was electric and loud and fast and exhilarating and my heart starts pumping even just a little just remembering how amazing it felt to be in that room freaking out and not giving a shit. I saw the way Robbie grinned when I lost it at the mic, and for once I felt like I belonged up there. Seeing my sisters, Tara and Kaylee, cheering me on, that made it even better. Mr. Riddle watched from his office behind the closed door.
This, I'll miss, these people, this music, those moments, alone.
"Alone" meaning the plugged in rehearsals in the band room when Riddle lets us do whatever the fuck we want.
This time, we just had an audience. But it didn't stop us from connecting.

The traditional Steak and Shake trip was well worth it (but Rachel, we missed you!)
I miss the hell out of Robert, although I have no idea how to show it. I can't believe he'll be leaving soon, and won't be back for two years at least. But it was a good night of bonding, what with how comfortable Kaylee and I are around each other, which made it less awkward for Branden and Robert, with whom at least I'm not perfectly comfortable. We spoke freely and laughed and talked about childhood, books, life.

And if I'm being honest, I'll admit, Julian was a big part of the night, albeit not being around the entire time. He set his stakes in the ground, enough to make his mark.
Maybe he will be the biggest question mark of my high school years, but I'm happy now and I don't regret a thing. I'm not looking back. I'm glad I can still trust him and talk to him, though, unlike any other boy I've so much as touched.


Daniel and I had a misunderstanding last night. Or maybe it was perfectly understood, but still a conflict?
I realize how much I can't handle aggression. I laugh about it, rage and tantrums, randomly throwing things across the room. But punching a hole in the door crosses into "violent". I didn't think much of it at first, but when he started joking about it, it set me off unexpectedly.

Anyway, the point of the story, is that: I didn't outright tell him he was wrong. It's not my place to push it, I  already told him what I thought, and he rebutted, and that was that. But he could tell something was up.
And he apologized.
And he didn't just apologize, he reiterated what (he thought) he had done wrong (and he was right).

And he said he loves me, and wouldn't let anything hinder that.

I understand, love is a heavy word. But when it comes from him....the way he always pauses before he uses it, the way his voice changes ever so slightly, like he's putting real weight into the word....it makes me want to believe him.

After all, didn't he put up with four years of me actually being myself around him, move away for 8 (going on 9) months now, and still wants to be with me?

I think I might've lucked out, he's definitely something special.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Friday, April 13, 2012

And it persists.

The Sadness.
I can have a perfectly normal, fine, good day, what have you. But then I go home.
And I look in the mirror.
And I see my eyes, round and empty. Nothing in my face is smiling.
And how long have my eyebrows been tensed up like that, in frowns of disappointment or frustration or defeat?

I breathe heavy. I sigh a lot.
And I frown.

But it was otherwise a good day.
There were so many good things about today.
Like music, and art. My solo, the University of Tampa concert, Grimm.
Talked to Daniel for 5 minutes. Mathematically, that's about 3% the amount of time we usually talk, but with the way I am feeling, it was plenty. Enough to lift my heart for about 5 minutes.

Before it sinks down again, somewhere in my chest, beating hollowly away.

I need to schedule my cardiology appointment.

I need to get some sleep.

And why not tonight? Since I've nothing else to do but wallow in my own unexplainable unhappiness.

My body needs reprieve.

It's so late but I have too much to do to sleep yet.

"I'm a cherry. I'm a wild cherry--" *abruptly turns around and starts dancing* "--PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY."

I'm not sure he understands most of what comes out of his mouth at times like these.

Also I got him to read several of the top 25 Damn You Autocorrects out loud.
Getting Daniel to say obscenities I think counts for some serious points.

I only got one "fuck" out of him, but he did allow me some "dicks" and "pussies", which is especially impressive, isn't it? It's so offensive! And the words came out of his mouth, in his voice! It was outrageous and hilarious, and he was embarrassed because he'd always catch it just a little late, he'd already started reading it out loud and couldn't just stop there. So funny.

God, I love this boy.

Putting away scholarship, unfinished. Time to math.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012



Sorry, just having one of those moments.
Also, I just Kafka'd him to sleep.

No really,
he was really tired
so I literally read Metamorphosis--from the beginning!--out loud, until he fell asleep.

...He is so damn cute.

What I Talked About: Leadership, team building, and watching the program grow

What I Should Have Talked About:
Finding my voice, my confidence, and the ability to trust myself.

But for all I talk about myself all the time, all the menial shit that no one cares about,
I can't seem to talk about what matters, what makes me significant in this life, in this body, what really counts and what I want people to remember and know and learn from for themselves,
when I am asked.

A problem of mine is having so much to give,
and no way to give it.

My heart is forever alienated from the outside, and there is barely a connection between me and anyone and anything around me. There is one, but it's coated in superficiality and the forced tradition of trying to keep up a conversation that loses all meaning the second it's over.

There are a handful of people who have known me long enough, well enough, deep enough, to be exceptions.
And that's really all one needs, isn't it? Just a handful of close friends.

I suppose I just wish I could convey myself better to the world,
or teach them the things I know,
help them to see things the way I see them.

I suppose maybe that's why I'm an artist.
I suppose maybe that's why I'm never satisfied with the work I do.

I suppose that's why I overcompensate for everything.

I suppose that's why I'm so tired.

He's trying to plug in his laptop frantically before it dies...

"Aw, why can't I find the hole? I'm a man, I should be able to find the hole!"

Won't Say I'm In Love

But with the way I'm feeling, it's hard to tell what this is.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

But I have to remember nothing has changed.

That's a lie. It feels like everything's changed. For the better, too.

But much of it is an illusion, or at least intangible.
I'm not saying what's happened or is happening isn't real.

But there are some things that are left untouched, that are still affecting me.

Such as the Sadness.

I was kind of wondering when it'd pop in again.
The past two days have been altogether bleh. Not very good.
Not bad, of course, and actually had many good moments (obviously, if my last post says anything about it).

But they typically end in the same unfeeling or even slightly melancholy state.

Of course, talking to Daniel makes it better.

But if I'm being honest, and sticking to why I've been at all dedicated to this blog, I have to take note of the general feeling that lingers in the peripheries of my mind. That is the familiar Sadness.

It's not terrible, or overwhelming. It's actually just at bay, subdued by the incredible Happiness that's been taking over lately. But I can't deny that it's still there.

There is no cause, no reason, no excuse, it just is, and it is just there.

Oh, yes, I can deal with it. I just needed to make note of it.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

My paper's going kind of well, let me just take a break and blog a bit.

Dear Rachel,
Whenever good stuff happens, like when life looks bright, I think of you, and I guess I kind of attribute it to you. You've always kept me safe, sane, and close. I know, I drift a lot, but you reel me back into reality and into the bright side of things. You're really a blessing in my life, and I love you.
Btw, Grace and I were talking about getting together with you sometime. There's this hilarious TV show we both used to watch, and we were like "WE SHOULD MARATHON THIS." It won't be too soon, since she's just finishing Grease and we've got all these performances and end of the year stuff boiling down, but whenever the time comes, hope you're ready! ;D


Suddenly having a boyfriend is always the trump card of distraction. You don't even have to be talking to him or with him to be completely distracted by him.
But I'm not letting myself get away with this, I can't get too excited or addicted. I need to savor it, I know, I'm taking it slow.

I don't even know what to say about him. I really just wanted to talk about him. He's always somewhere on my mind. He makes me laugh...a lot. Without being embarrassing. It's really amazing. He's dorky, and charming, and has the ability to be romantic but doesn't overdo it. He's open about his feelings and himself without being overwhelming. It's never awkward to talk to him, except when it's funny or intentional. The only boys I can think of around whom I'm ever this comfortable are Jon, Abel, and my brother...all of whom are pretty much if not actually family.

I love the outrageously corny jokes, puns and word plays he makes. I love the fact that we actually like/love/obsess about a lot of the same stuff--and we didn't even know it! I love that his parents like me, as though they know me. (Btw, Mr. Schaub > grilled cheese. You have no idea.) I love the way we interact, when he throws out his absurd what-ifs and I humor him with why they can or can't work, and he doesn't get mad when I disprove what he says, but instead builds on it and we create these ridiculous scenarios that couldn't possibly happen--but could they? I love the way he tells stories, and the cadence of his voice. I am endlessly entertained by how excited he is to "be a man"--being over 6ft tall, his voice dropping, being able to drive, having a girlfriend. I loved the first time he referred to me as his girlfriend. And that time he said, "That's my girl." And the way he says "darling", which is somehow not as corny or cartoonish as one would expect. It's actually...it's nice. Really.

I just love him. He makes me incredibly happy, happier than I'd ever given him credit for before.

I can't say I wish this had happened sooner, even though I know it could have, if either of us had said anything. I just feel like, now is finally the right time. Like I'm doing something right.
And it is right, and it's real, and it matters.

"Lights Out."

"It's time for...Lights...Out," he said dramatically in a deep voice, as he turned off the lights on his end, save for the monitor. I giggled, tapping the lamp on my end. We could only see each other by the light of our computer screens.

I gathered the blanket around me, put my head on my knees and waited. Rectangles of light reflected in his glasses.
"Tonight's episode," he began, and I could just make out his mouth moving, "is about...the Chicken Heart."
I squealed in mock fright and anticipation, like usual. How was he going to change it up this time?

"The chicken heart was kept alive. It was frozen in a cryogenic chamber, in a special solution, until he was released by a clumsy janitor.
The chicken heart melted..."

Wait, the chicken heart didn't melt.

"It melted...and it melted...and it kept melting...into a liquid."

Where's he going with this? This is new!
I couldn't stop smiling.

"It managed to leap into the refrigerator...which was then shipped to your very own state."

It's in my state! It's in my city! It's at my door! He's gonna say it!

"It's in your state. It's in....your local refrigerator store. .....It's in the refrigerator that you bought."


"It got into the water...it's in the water that you're drinking RIGHT NOW."

I squirmed. "That's not fair! Oh, that's not fair! I forgot about that!" He laughed, and I laughed.
He had been trying to get that chicken heart into my water, but was never sure where my water had come from until I told him it was from the refrigerator. And I had just been drinking my water!

"Your heart monitor," he continued, "isn't monitoring only your heart."

I widened my eyes, expecting him to make the creepy thump-thump sound of the rogue chicken heart.

A moment of silence in the dark. And then...

"A bok-bok bok," came surprisingly convincing chicken noises from his end.
I laughed out loud, stifling it to absurd almost painful giggles trying to minimize my obnoxiousness for my sister and grandma in the other room. We turned the lights back on on both ends of the conversation.

"Okay, okay, you win."

He just laughed gently, and we were quiet again.

Green, gold, and bovine forever

So if I can double-major in music, I'll be fine. I can settle. I'll be good. If I can double-major in music, I'll be golden.
If not......I guess I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. The Harold Schartz scholarship is a big deal....but it's not the main thing I should be focused on. I really need to relax, I guess.

The school, USF, it's really not so bad. It's pretty. My allergies weren't going haywire. It's relatively clean. The people I've met so far are nice. Even just passing students who could tell we were touring were welcoming. "Have a great day at USF!" "Welcome to USF!" "Hope you love it here!"
Not only is it similar to VHS in colors and mascot, but the drive is really not so bad. The St. Petersburg area is really nice. Michael Johnson might be (will probably be) transferring in. Etc.

Yeah, the point is, I can see this.

So it just took me probably about 2 hours just to write this up. Why? Well, let me tell you why. In another post.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The short end of every straw.

Just when you think everything is going swell, everything is all right, everything is amazing and beautiful and happy, falling into place

you realize you were really just distracted,
ironically, by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Isn't that what you're supposed to look at?

I guess not, when you're blindsided full force by the reality that nothing you wanted before this year can be yours.
It all boils down to me, doesn't it? Am I really that insufficient? This is an all-time low, this is a fresh new level of "not good enough" that I have somehow managed to reach.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm not sure there's anything I can do.

Just gotta keep telling myself, God has a plan.

That's what I'm supposed to do, right?
I'm supposed to trust God, because he has a plan.

There's a fucking reason everything I'd built my plans on has fallen apart.
It's gotta be because something else is waiting for me.

And I'll believe that. I want to believe it.

Doesn't mean my heart isn't still breaking.
Doesn't mean I feel it any less.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.

I suspect I'll be fine, I'll adapt, I'll thrive--I always do, given time.

But if it keeps hammering me with every step I take, I start to wonder if maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. That can't be true, though. I've gotta be making the right choices, if only for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong choices for the right reasons?
I'm doing what's best for me........for now? Long-term?

If I'll never know, I should just stop worrying about it, huh?

God. Dammit.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

30 minute power nap

the late nights that hate you in the morning
but that you don't regret, and you can't give up

"The love of my life"

"*LOL* Are we there already? Have we reached that point?"

"Oh! I suppose not. I can't say that yet, or it'll just all be downhill from here."


"Also, I am slightly in love with you."

"The feeling is mutual. It's...very mutual."

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


10 more days of this heart monitor shit.

53 more days of this high school shit.

62 more days of this waiting-for-Daniel-to-come-home shit.

I have so much to look forward to, I actually don't mind waiting--so long as I know it's coming. It's happening. This is real.

And I can't believe how real this feels.

It's really nice.
Unbelievably nice.

Amazing, even.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

It's a little unfair.

But I shouldn't hate a school just because I'm indefinitely angry at someone I know who is probably going there. I don't need to tell him anyway.

But it's still unfair. Health concerns are suddenly the new reason for me to stay close to home?

I guess it makes sense.

Doesn't make it fair.

I don't know what these medical terms mean.
Looking them up myself just results in a lot of people concerned over the same things, everyone being paranoid, "omg we're all gonna die" type of stuff.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

Yesterday was amazing, up until the very last minute.
Did I upset you?
Please talk to me tonight.
I want to clear this up, here and now.

I'm not losing you, too.

I can't.

That's just it then, isn't it? The realization, the certification, the second foot through the door.

I can't lose you.

"She's so pretty!"

"She's very pretty," he said enthusiastically...then added immediately, "The dog is nice too."

When did little Daniel grow up?

Friday, March 30, 2012

"Breathing is for n00bs."

He said it so casually, I almost died inside.

I always forget what I'm going to write when he's sitting right there, on the other end of the screen. Which may as well be the other end of the world.

My mind just clears itself of all other thoughts, but that one. "Everything is going to be just fine."

Thursday, March 29, 2012


My first thoughts when I got the heart monitor were, "Aw fuck, this is gonna suck balls."
Then I actually wore it, and thought, "You know what? This isn't all that bad."
And then all the times I have to take it off and put it back on came, and I'm right back to, "Aww, this sucks."

Mostly because of the scabbed skin over my ribs, and the perpetual redness around my collarbone. Ugh.

Company songbook, I can't get it out of my head. I'm so excited for tomorrow, for a new day, with second period 50 minutes in the music room, just to play around and make music.
Mrs. Rabe-meyer is coming in, though. That's intimidating. I'd better nail that high A.

Daniel is watching a movie tonight. I wonder if he'll be done before midnight?

I interacted with Jack today. I don't know how it went, but it happened, and well, that's a start.
It turns out he was sitting by himself on the bus up until the last people boarded. I wonder why?
We probably could have used 40 minutes to ourselves to sort things out. And somewhere in me I wish that was the reason. But I know it's probably not. If there was a reason at all, it had nothing to do with me. I'm not that special to him.

Also, I can't tell if he's actually a little jealous of how much Daniel and I communicate now. But surely it's not a total surprise? We were his best friends, the both of us. We still are.

As far as these boys go, I just can't wait to graduate and leave.

I wanna write about today but I really just feel like I can't remember all that happened. There's no lingering feelings, everything is moving forward and looking forward for tomorrow. That's the feeling I've been getting lately. It's not so much as amnesia, but immediate "getting-over-it". This excitement doesn't stick, although I know it's still there.

All I can say is,
OMG concert choir is going to state! ajdhakjshfk.asjfkshdkahsdkahsdkhaj
This is my senior year. This is a big fuckin' ass deal. I've been in this choir for four years and have helped build it to what it is today, and I will not miss the opportunity to go to state MPA as a choir. We made it, finally we made it. And we're gonna work our rear ends off to do well.

...And we're going to learn the "Daniel, Daniel" spiritual. Eat my heart out, okay.

I'm actually really sleeping all of a sudden. And I still have to look over some math concepts! Whatever. Goodnight.

And it really is a good night!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

This is rough.

I thought I would've talked to you today. I approached you, I played it in my head, I had the words. But I just couldn't say anything. I'm blowing this way out of proportion.
It's just......I stepped through the door. That's what really pisses me off. I completely, knowingly, stepped over the line. And it's hard to go back from that, and even if you can, you know where you've been, and where you've failed.

Maybe this is me telling me, it's better to move forward? Or that it's the only way to go?

"If that means there's not a place in my life for you, or someone like you, is it sad? Sure. But it's a sadness I chose."

If only I could face it. But I don't want to choose this sadness, I still want you in my life. Just not like this. This isn't fair.

But hey. What about that awesome feeling when you realize something in your life is right?
Something new, or different, that actually makes you happy, in spite of yourself?

When you've had a day of discomfort--you're ill, you're starting your period, you're dehydrated and sleep-deprived, you aren't breathing properly, your math test was brutal, you're not where you want to be in your work, deadlines are approaching and you're losing your mind...

When you've had a day of disappointment after disappointment, and you think......."You know what I can look forward to? My nightly skype call with a friend."
And then it happens......and not 20 minutes into it, he has to go for the night.

You would think it would crush you. But the truth is it doesn't matter because you still got to see him, and he still got to see you, and you both still got to see how happy you make each other just for Being Alive.
It wasn't a disappointment that he had to go. I'll see him tomorrow. It was just the highlight of my day, to talk to him at all.

Song of the night: "We Will Rock You", by Queen. xD

On the bright side, it makes it easier for me to go to bed on time, anyway. We won't have to go through excruciating goodbyes hours earlier than usual. Those never work. This is much more convenient.

Hardcore study time, then hopefully a good night's sleep.
Tonight is turning out just fine.

The only thing I put before me, is "do, re".

If you'd have told me the truth, we'd be okay.

Monday, March 26, 2012

March 26, 2AM

Play that funky music, white boy. x)

Prom was overall a chill experience, and one I don't regret in the least. There are some things I wish I had done or said, but nothing unbearably wrong.
Jack is a mystery to me, and not one I'm particularly interested in pursuing. I mean, I am.....but something tells me it's just not worth it. And it'd probably be better for both of us if I let it go.

Chris and Carolyn are too cute for my to harbor any negative feelings toward either. Seeing them so happy made me so happy.

And so did texting Daniel Schaub. I really like this Daniel, this more talkative, open Daniel, with the same sense of humor, the same personality, but now we actually get to see it most of the time, instead of having to coax it out of him. And where he's now more out there, he's generally calmer, like his energy is properly disbursed. I don't know, it's fascinating and alluring and heartwarming at the same time, to see the same Daniel in a new light. Especially seeing Daniel at all.

I'm on skype with him right now actually. He went to brush his teeth, so I was able to write this. I couldn't think of what to write when he was around. xP Actually, he's back now, and I don't remember what else to write. It's 2:07 AM on a night when I'd planned to sleep at 11PM. I'm up talking to him, like I have for the past few nights not including prom, and it's nigh impossible to think of anything else. I don't know how he does it.

He's still humming "play that funky music white boy" LOL. We had a jam session a minute ago. Right after we jammed to the YMCA. Next is Mambo #5, and sleep.....if we can manage to let each other go for the night.

Until next time~

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I think I feel more betrayed than anything.

I don't know you like I thought I did.


I didn't know I could be this mad at someone. Or at least, not you.

I can't believe you. I don't even know if I should blame you, or just myself for falling for it. Probably even making it up.
Because that's all I ever do.
I guess I try to will stuff to happen, and think it's happening, but it's not, and I'm left at a cliffhanger, because I took the wrong path.

You know what? I actually thought, maybe if we were as good of friends as I thought we were, you would've told me about this. In not telling me, aren't you saying something else? Something louder, and worse? Something like, "I don't really trust you", or even "I actually do know how you feel, but I'm not going to face it because maybe if I don't it'll just go away".


The thing is, I'm not just mad. This isn't the normal, just me being mad. I am mad at you.
I don't know if I have the right to be, but right now, I don't fucking care.
Actually, big-picture, maybe I don't. But right now, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT.

Because whether or not you realized it, you did lead me on.



My unhappiness is all my own.
You probably don't even know.
You probably won't even find out.

Were you blind?

Or did you pull a Mona and get scared?

I actually pushed this one, I did. For once, I did put my heart on it, and I did it rashly and against all better judgment, because I didn't want to lose this opportunity. I thought maybe I had it. I still think that, even now.

But less than a month later, it turns out, I was wrong. And it's obvious that a happy relationship with someone I actually know and trust simply will not happen this year.

That being said, here it is:
Fuck you. The end.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Another update

I feel like, I am Bobby. I heard "Marry Me a Little" for the first time, watching Company in second period, and thought: "Oh my...this is exactly me. This is where I am, and what I think."And even then I knew.

"Your problem is, you want too little. That's the hardest thing in the world to get."

My obsession with this musical is starting to make a little sense.


Today was pretty chill,
 up until the assembly where I was reminded that a lot of our generation is lost. Fucking children need to grow up. And then I get mad at their parents for forgetting to teach their kids respect. I know I'm not perfect, but relative to a lot of these kids, I'm very respectful. I look like a freaking angel. And I know that's not the case, so to say they're worse than me......it's really just shameful. I hate the fact that I'm using that word, but that's where it is! Wow, I'm turning into a manufactured product of my family. Okay.

Julian's at it again, prodding at my heart. But this time, I know how to receive it. I'm in control, and my judgment is clear, and I don't intend to make the same mistakes.

Chris is so funny and charming, but it's all in good fun.

I'm getting so much better at not being annoyed with Lauren. I love her to death, so every time I go through an angry phase, I feel really bad because she's always available to take it out on. And she takes it. She adores me, which is endlessly flattering and kind of heart-breaking because I think I'm a terrible role model. She's already such a good person, and so responsible. I don't say this about a lot of people, but she'll surely do well with herself. She's so self-driven and independent, and she takes care of herself and her family. In this way, I look up to her.

It's reached the point where I get perceptively excited when I realize I'll be seeing Jon soon.
No, you don't understand. I'm typically very cool about Jon. That's our relationship, we're so chill.
But it's been a while and I've been a little bit of a physical/mental/emotional wreck lately with school and college and all, and when Shannon talked about sitting on the bus together, and mentioned Jon, I literally flipped. The schoolgirl squeal and everything. I instantly realized how bad it had gotten, I never get that far with Jon. I ought to tell him how much I miss him, for it to have gotten this bad. Not that I don't text him periodically about missing him.

Talking to Daniel has really picked up, from not-at-all to wow-he's-suddenly-the-single-person-I-text-the-most.
In fact, here's a text now. He sent me an email. I believe I shall check it!
God, I love him.
Kaylee, you were so fucking right, he was on my list. I may have put my list aside now, now that I may or may not have my heart set on somebody, but if he were around, ohhhhh he'd be on there.
And he's growing up so much! He asked that one girl on a date. I wonder how that went. The way he told me, he "sort of" asked her out, but it "wasn't the same". He also may or may not have called me hot at one point :x That was interesting, but we kind of let it slide and just kept talking. Since that incident, I've kind of been analyzing his texts now, and my conclusion is that he may be being a little flirty. Not much at all, but there's a little bit there. It's probably just the natural joking nature coming off as flirty.

Although I guess it's hard to avoid when all I ever do is flirt. I'd honestly stop, but I guess it's just the way I talk. The only way to avoid it is to never talk to me lol.

AWW, he sent me pictures from his birthday! He even looks older. Only a very little bit though. Like a young man. In his glasses, I could even understand he's a senior in high school. I could see him becoming a college student soon. Yeah. He's getting there.

A'ight, gonna reply now. Gotta get off blogger, too, and write a one page essay (or find one that I might've already written??) for the scholarship due by 7:30AM tomorrow.
Oh crap, NHS meeting too.

Dang it, why did I procrastinate so much?

"What do you get?"

The longing is so much more acute when you are aware of being human, of having feelings, of having needs.
I hate being so dependent on everybody, on attention, on praise. Being needy.

Yet, here I am again, wanting more.

It's too soon, and it's too late.

"Don't be afraid it won't be perfect! The only thing to be afraid of really is that it won't be."

I am afraid. I don't think I've ever felt this way, with anyone else, before.
I don't even know what it is I feel. I'm not saying I'm "in love", or have "developed feelings" or anything like that. It's much more like a realization, of something I've had and known for a long time but never shed light on, or appreciated as much as I should have.

What I've known: You're one of my best friends. What I've realized: I don't want to live without you.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Sunday, March 18, 2012

But on a better note,

I had a "splendiferous", "awesometabulous" day with my family yesterday, exploring FSU.

It's a lovely school.

I might even go there next year.

It being relatively far away, almost four hours to drive, the distance isn't so bad.
I'll make new friends, I'll have virtually a new start.

And as for old friends...I'm not going to fight for a place in their lives that I can't so much as keep warm.

The ones that really matter
my real friends
will keep in touch, and I'll return the favor.

I don't want to look at it anymore as me against them. I don't want to blame myself or the other side for something that falls apart. What we have is a relationship, which requires the attention of both sides. It's me and them. Maybe, we can work something out.

I'm not a terrible person. I'm just trying to live my life.

"You've always been a terrible friend."

Well, for one, there's no way this doesn't make you a hypocrite. Particularly the fact that it was sent anonymously, because that rules out the possibility that you're a friend trying to tell me something about myself that I need to know, that I could improve. Now you're just a person tearing me down, which I qualify as an act of a terrible friend. So...well, right back atcha.

Two, I already knew that. I say it all the time. Doesn't mean I'm not taking this to heart, and doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Congratulations, you hurt me. That's what you wanted, yes?
It's harder when it's anonymous. Then I just imagine the faces of everyone I've hurt. And that's a lot of old scars to irritate.

But three, I didn't need this, but I will take it anyway, as a reminder.
I know I've been a terrible friend. I'm self-absorbed and live in a movie. Nothing is real and none of the characters matter. I'm the manic pixie dream girl that comes into your life just to leave it later. I don't mean for it, but in expecting it, I lessen the possibility of actually saving a relationship.

I get it. I'm a terrible friend. I've hurt many people along the way. I always go after the ones that don't want me, and leave the ones that love me behind. I know, and I'm endlessly sorry.

But I also know that I can't go back, and neither can you. I don't know who you are, but if we're currently not friends anymore, there's probably a reason for that. It's honestly sad that you haven't moved on (I've been there, I know) but I can tell you now that I have, and you'll feel better once you do.

I hope this, or your own message, has given you some sort of closure.
Some sort of satisfaction.
So that we might say that at least one of us benefited from it.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I survived my first "event"!


So...I went to a cardiologist today. Everything seems fine, but I get to wear this neat-o monitor box thing that attaches to two little pads, one by my clavicle to the right, and one on my ribs to the left. It beeps sometimes and stuff. I have to wear it for 30 days. FUN.

But anyway...it's supposed to monitor.......idk. Palpitations? Irregularities?
So, if I feel something wrong or some variation, like my heart starts racing or fluttering or something, I push this button, and it makes noise while it records, and then stores the "event" in the box. When I have three "events" recorded, I get to call the monitor people, and put the box up to the phone--a land line, specifically--and it magically transmits the recordings over the phone. Cool, right?

Sometimes it records automatically, if it senses an event that I can't feel.
That already happened today, at 7:17PM. It beeped, recorded, and did a little ring-tone like diddle to say it was done.
I'm supposed to "sit quietly" and "breathe normally" when it records. I think I was a little too freaked out to do that when it happened. Plus, I had been walking, not sitting, which made it a little more difficult to "sit quietly" and calm down.

What was cool was that it beeped. There's no way to turn the sound off completely, so the best I can do is this beep. If I don't have it on the beep, it makes this TOTES AWK loud fax machine-esque noise that lasts the entire time it's recording. I'm gonna do my best to make sure it's always on the beep setting, but I still just hope it doesn't go off in class. Especially not choir. I intend to take it off the day of MPA (they said I could do that). I also intend to take it off for prom, which, I didn't realize until this afternoon, is next weekend. I had to try on my dress today at this alteration place for this lady to pin so she can hem it later. It was a little awkward because (1) I haven't shaved LOL and (2) I had the weird pad thing by my clavicle showing, just out in the open. I have to replace those every 3 days, so I think the day of prom I'll just keep them off. I should be allowed to do that, right? 28/30 days should be enough to catch these "events" anyway. After all, one's already happened, and it's been less than 12 hours.

Anyway, I have to go walk my dog.
But, just thought I'd record all this.

Hahahaha. Record. Events. Blogging. Trololololol.

I have to finish this paper tonight or tomorrow. O boi~

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Hey lady :)

I hope you're wearing sunblock! I bet you burn easily.
But, I mean, most white girls burn easily to me. I take it relatively -w-

The weather was so great today. Hot, but great.
I kind of like it that way. I like that humorous moment of mutual discomfort when you and another person get into the car on a really hot day, and you're both just complaining loudly on the outside and laughing on the inside. I like driving and listening to music and feeling the sun on my arms and the AC on my feet.

This spring break is turning out to be just fine.
I'm not working at the pace I ought to be...except maybe I am?
Maybe I just packed way too much stuff for a simple high school girl to do in one week, without accounting for outings with her mom, doctor's appointments, college visits and just errands. The rest is a lot of lack-of-motivation.
Oh, I have motivation. Just not for this.

I wanna do other things. I want to draw and paint and doodle and make stuff.
This paper is killing me.
I've written, what? One sentence.
It was hard enough picking a topic. Now I actually have to execute it? Jeez, what does this lady expect from me? LOL

 Today I texted Jack and Daniel. The highlights were definitely...when Jack actually texted back. And when Daniel suggested someone make "jerky cereal". And he decided that if you put the dried jerky in milk, it would probably become "juicy meaty nuggets".
...It's been hours and I'm still laughing at that.

Today I also visited Mr. Riddle. It was nice; I got to practice a little on the piano, and I found some old sheet music and had brought it with me. Turns out I didn't completely forget all of it. Practicing is always nice, since I never get to do it at home anymore.

Today I also bought a lot of clothes. You know, I never liked Bell's or Bell's Outlet, but I also never liked summer clothes. Now that I'm somewhat (okay, a lot) more comfortable about the way I look, generally, I looked at tank tops and thought......"Yeah, I could definitely wear those."
And we went to Kohl's, and I saw bright colorful tops and thought......."I could pull that off."

I don't know, I just feel like today was something of an improvement on my person.
This week has been something of an improvement on my person.

And I don't know if I'm just in a happy/"manic" phase, but I really hope I don't drop this and get stuck in the rut again anytime soon.
Especially not with MPA coming up.

Somewhere from the depths of my heart was discovered, an excitement for Festival Disney. An excitement I didn't have last year. I like being a little excited, a little buzzed. I don't want to go thinking I won't have a good time.
I do hope I'll get to hang out with my boys, at least some of the time.

I don't know what's getting into me...about everything...but I don't mind.
I do want to finish all my work before the break ends,
but I also really wanna get back to school.

Actually, I really want it to be summer.
I just want to see faces and hear voices again.

Midnight is always an acceptable time for cereal.

Particularly if you are me, and you love cereal, but don't get to eat it often because no one buys it anymore.
Except, like, Special K. Which is good, for like, a week, but then you get tired and desire more sugary stuff. Like kiddie cereal.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch it is <3333

All day I've been singing the guy part to Dress and Tie.

"Oh, my heart's been tried time and again.
I always thought that it was me, but I see now just how wrong I was.
No, I haven't known you for a lifetime...still somehow I've never been more
sure that you're for me."

.........Now if I could only say that about a college TROLOLOL.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

hey guys remember when i

was infatuated with Chris
because he's a gentleman and the drum major, has a golden voice and makes tasteful jokes, and bought me a ticket to the Legend of Zelda symphony?

Yeah, it wasn't so long ago.

But suddenly I'm thinking about
how he's not the one on my mind.
In fact, it looks like he's just leaving.

Because suddenly a boy whom I'm always cared about
is looking at me a little differently
and talking a little more carefully
and maybe sitting a little bit closer.

And I really don't mind.
His hand feels so nice in mine.

It doesn't take much to shoot me over the moon.

I miss you mona<3
Find your cell phone damnit :P
Hope your spring break is going well
We should totally chill one of these days ;)
Text me if you find your phone


Sunday, March 11, 2012

This is my altar. This is my Witness.

This is my "big stone thingy".

This is where I leave my secrets and sacrifices, my burdens.

It was obvious tonight that I still haven't found my voice, don't yet have the strength to say my prayers out loud, to get on my knees. I don't have my purpose. But my heart was loud and the feeling was real.
When I'm surrounded by people who are so strong in their faith, the question is no longer, "Is this real?"
It's "Am I strong enough?"

I prayed for guidance and stability.
I thanked God for all the people he's placed in my life to pull me back when I drift too far out.
In my family, my sister. My new family, Abby, Meghon, Abel, Claire, and their parents.
And the family I always have when I don't think I do...my friends.

Rachel, you have been the light of God in my life:
you are always around, always helping me and caring for me,
and I have turned away from you and pushed you away and shut you out, because I didn't know what to believe.
I still don't know for sure, but I do want to believe in faith, hope, and love,
and that these things are real and alive in my life.

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself,
and I don't want to feel like no one wants me.

Of course, I'm not going to wake up a totally new person,
with a new heart and new eyes, completely devoted.
Of course, it'll take a lot more to get me there.

But, at least for tomorrow, I am going to see this bracelet and remember
that I have people on my side, and that I have God in my heart.

I will survive this year--
I will still have breakdowns, and meet barriers, but--
I will survive this life,
and when I tell my story,
it won't be about how God saved me from drugs, violence, sex, etc.

It'll be about how God saved me from myself.


I shouldn't be this nervous.
I don't even know what I'm nervous about.

At first it was a little bit, nerves, about going tonight. The idea wasn't sitting well in my stomach. But I cleared that up. I know I want to go, I want to be there. And I want to be there with people I know and trust. I know I'm making this into this huge deal, so much bigger than it ought to be, but maybe for me it is. I need to get back into reality, back into something that isn't just me and a million mirrors. Something with other people, other ideas, other things that I can hold onto and put my hope into. Faith. I want to go tonight.

But that didn't make the nervousness go away.

1:00 is always a little painful. Why? I have no idea. After I eat, there's just always this fluttery, papery feeling of dread, that settles in my stomach. And my heart feels like it's sinking into my stomach, too, resting at the bottom. Kind of like it's broken. Not like somebody has broken it...just, it is broken. At the bottom of my stomach.

And it makes my whole body ache, and I get restless and jittery. My fingers won't stop moving, it's hard to breathe comfortably. I feel like I've got to be doing something, I've gotta be doing something.

I can't focus on anything, it feels like I suddenly have way too much to do.

There's crap all over my room, I started sorting it out this morning which of course always leaves it messier before it gets better. So that clutter sets me on edge. And I have this scholarship that I'm totally failing at, I wish I could just drop it, but Mrs. Shoemaker has been so good about getting me to do it, she's really pulling for me, and I'm here doing everything wrong, turning everything in late. I feel like if it's getting this bad, it looks even worse than if I turned in nothing at all.
I can't do my unit review. I already took the test, there is no motivation. Maybe I'll still do it, later this week? How bad will my grades get if I don't do it? Chris was approaching a B when he didn't do one. How were his test scores? How are my test scores? This is awful, I shouldn't have to think about it, but I don't have the nerve to do it now, I just can't bring myself to. There are too many other things I need to be focusing my time on. Or are there?
My calculus is horrible, I have no idea what's going on ever. I've been doing a lot better at staying awake and taking notes, but I've been doing just as poorly actually understanding the lesson. I look at my notes and don't even remember taking them. I don't have time for this.

I have to write an essay on my career and educational goals for this same scholarship. I have no idea what I'm doing, especially not now.

I think I should just put everything away and eat some ice cream.

I feel awful.

I feel like maybe if I throw up, I'll feel better.

I don't understand that logic at all.

I also just kind of feel like sleeping off the rest of the day.

Part of me doesn't want to have to see anyone again, everyone has all these expectations I'm failing to reach. If I never had to get back to them, I'd be fine, I'd be golden.

But that's really not an option. Plus, I know I won't feel like this forever. Hopefully once I get in the car and get to your place I'll feel much better, and I'll be able to forget about everything, for just tonight.

Oh boy, here are some tears. I'm pathetic.

I need to breathe. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being a sorry-ass human being, and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this, inadvertently.

I feel like tomorrow night, so long as I'm still allowed to go, will be my version of
Roger finally going to the support group with Angel and Collins.

I just need to be with people who are actually doing something right with themselves.

this week was insane.

What even happened?

Monday was sick. Or, I was sick. Not sick like, wow dude that was sick. More like, sick like anemic and sad.

Tuesday was pre-MPA at Weeki Wachee. It went really well...for chorale and concert choir. Chamber choir made me want to throw someone's head through a wall.
Additionally, no solos for Mona. Well, that was a little unfair. But I'm obviously way too passive to do anything about it. I screwed up once in rehearsal, and it was taken away from me.
What-the-fuck-ever though, it wasn't even supposed to be my solo, and it isn't going to be. I may have known it better than the girl who is doing it at MPA--I probably still do--but I clearly didn't know it well enough when it mattered.

I was a little irked...okay, let's be real, I was totally irked on the bus ride up and home. Mostly because of Jack. It feels like we've been on and off this week, connection-wise. We've been disagreeing and either creating or becoming aware of friction, and then finding where we click, and then falling out again. I did feel a little betrayed on the bus when he joined in with the guys hating on my music. I thought Jack liked my music. In fact, I chose a CD with songs that I've shown him, songs that he said he really liked. Sure, we only got to one of them, and that was when Mr. Riddle shot it down. But why did he have to join in? I know, he was probably joking, or else he wouldn't have looked me in the eye and said it. He probably wouldn't have even said it at all. He's not like that. Right?
And then later when he sat next to Haley. And sang that song with her, the one he wanted to sing with me. This part, this isn't a big deal at all, but when you added it to what had happened earlier with the making fun of me part, and me being ridiculously mood-swingy and hormonal, it just sucked.

Actually, sometime in between him slandering my musical taste and leaving me completely...he held my hand again.
And now that I think about it, after we found out about the fancy new bus, I checked my phone and realized he had texted me about it. He had invited me to come be on the bus with him.
I guess these little things are things I ought to remember.

Anyway, on the ride back Tara and I got our minds off our boy problems by listening to explicit rap by a guy who likes Asian girls LOL.

Schoolwork has been shitty, especially doing all that work for the lab and pretty much none of it actually getting to Nick to put into our presentation, and by the time we did present I was way too out of it to remember most of what I did.
Wing'd, and not proud.

Thursday when Mrs. Clark came in. She broke us down. She had to, because we were missing so many things closer to the foundation than the details. To fix the bottom, you've gotta take down all the stuff on top.
At any rate, it gave us a good place to start for Dr. Larson the next morning. Oh my God, everyone loved Dr. Larson. I loved Dr. Larson. I'm a little jealous I won't be studying under him at Stetson, without the regret of not even applying to Stetson.
But he's such an energetic, exciting teacher with an excellent conveyance of ideas. Everyone was so receptive. It was brilliant.

Friday night was.............worth it.
That's all I can describe it as.
It was 50/50 excitement, pride to be there and hard work, vs. rejection by the larger group, tiredness and frustration. The work and the results were so promising, though. Like, it puts the night into perspective. That was our first run, and if we keep this up, we could be great. We could be really good. And we had such fun, and made lovely sound. We had our moments. As a whole, although I went home just bone-tired and a little sad, the whole thing was worth it, and I'll do it again and again.
Although Lauren, Adrian and I may need to practice more than the others, because unlike them, we never have to sing together, and our sounds were not blending the way they ought to. Truth be told, when we played back the recording, the altos did sound fine, but when we were actually singing I could tell it wasn't comfortable. For finnicky me, anyway. Our three voices sound nothing alike, and it made it really hard to lock in. Whatever, we have time to figure this out.

Today has been dumb. I was supposed to do work today, but I've been so tired from this week that all I've really done today is eat and sleep. I've even been eating terribly cliche unhealthy foods, such as pizza for lunch and ice cream for snack. I'm terrible and I feel terrible but I just don't have the mind, heart, or energy to do anything about it.

I think for the rest of the day, if I don't solve the writer's block for the scholarship essay, I'm just gonna keep doing my AP, the one that was due last Monday. I hope he accepts it. Whatever. Ugh.

the mind is the enemy.

I think this is my issue with The Yellow Wallpaper. I just can't get past the obvious part of it--that a woman with too much to think about was given way too much time to think. The entire thing is just a bad idea.

I haven't written in a bit, and I've been writing far from regularly. I just haven't felt like it.
I would feel like it during the day time, but by the time I got home I realized what I had to say didn't matter all that much.
It wasn't anything that would be worth remembering in a day or two, or a month, or ever.

Ironically, I still remember some of it.
Such as:

"You seemed mad at me today. It's okay. I'm mad at me too.
Sometimes I think I don't apologize for being me, because I want you to be a little mad. I feel like I deserve it."

"Was it me you were talking about? Why wouldn't you talk to me? I kind of thought you trusted me more than that...
I don't want to overanalyze it. But if it was me that you and Daphne were whispering about...well, that might be a game-changer.
But with you, I don't intend on backing down."

"Maybe you're just a quiet bus-rider, too. I just hope I wasn't boring you when I left you alone, or bothering you when I did talk. You seemed to enjoy yourself just fine. Sometimes it really feels like we're family, and I like that. Thank you for talking to me and letting me into your life."

"You're a sly fucker, putting your hand on my leg like that. You don't even like me, why are you playing me?"

^Shit like that.

Today's my first time I'm home all day, and my sister's out all day, in Tampa with her friends who go to USF. I basically missed her spring break.
Except for the moments we did hang out, which were pretty golden.
Except when she kept telling me how it takes work to keep good friends, implying that I'm not trying hard enough. I know she was trying to be helpful, but it does take work from both sides. I guess I've been making it hard for anyone to want to be close to me, haven't I? Pushing everyone away, that's all I do regularly, just push everyone away.

I have too much time to think.

When I should be out with friends or family, just doing something, I'm always at home, not getting my homework done, wallowing about stuff that doesn't matter, stuff that I don't even remember later, I just get stuck in it and drag around in it and get deeper and more lost every minute I'm in there.

I don't even remember what I opened this to talk about, exactly.
I just ended up writing about everything I didn't want to think about.
Which is myself.
Which is other people.

Instead of stuff that has happened and how I feel about said stuff.

Here, I'll stop this here and start a new post. Try again.

Monday, March 5, 2012

"Today's really just not a good day."

"It's really not. Y'know, choir? I thought it was terrible. I thought choir was terrible today..." Here he trails off. He's distracted by something someone else said, and stops listening.

"I couldn't sing right at all today," she commented, not adding the fact that she's on her period and her body is screwed over. "Everything sounded weird, but otherwise I thought it was a pretty good rehearsal."

"That story he told us...ugh..." he adds half-heartedly. He's still trying to keep up two conversations at once.

"But it worked, right? That was the most together we'd ever been--"

He turned, suddenly attentive, a somewhat alarmed look on his face. "Wait, what?"

"That was the most together we'd ever been......in the song. The German song."

"Ooohhhh! I was like..." he trailed, embarrassed and apparently not really sure what he was "like".

"Oh, you."

Sometimes I just think I'm good at pointing out the problems with the things presented to me.

And I just wanna say, I am not against marriage. Marriage is a great idea, I understand why it exists today, and I think it's a very special, sacred thing. However, I just don't think it's for everyone. I think it's obviously not for everyone.

company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company


It's like the Fantasticks. "Moderation!" That was the lesson.
They were allowed to be married, and in love. So long as they kept up the wall.

"Marry me a little. Love me just enough. Keep a tender distance."



Neither Robbie nor Chris were at school today. Why is life so tough lol.
However, I did become so pro at using the Vernier LabQuest. SO PRO. I might even get it more than Chris now.
I should change our lab report to say I collected data. Or at least helped substantially. Like, 50%.

So my mom has officially signed me up for that FSU music camp this summer. And it turns out Abel's going too.
.............................................OMG SQUEEEEEEEEE. SQUEE MOMENT. THIS IS A SQUEE MOMENT.
Honestly, I'm just happy I'll actually know someone there.

It's a bonus that it's a cute boy, with whom I already have some sort of established relationship. As, you know...the sister of his brother-in-law. Yeah, good enough.
Jealous that I don't get to stay with Abby, though. Why am I so inconvenient.

Pre-MPA at Weeki Wachi tomorrow.

Music Spread Thy Voice Around is haaaarrrrrd. Like, the solo part. My voice is so uncomfortable in that range. A D on an "ah" vowel is so flipping awkward. An E, too, for that matter. Threw that out the window in It Was a Lover and His Lass. Hmm.

My goal is to finish my AP homework this week. Or at worst, email it to him on Saturday. After all, I won't be home a lot this week. Oh boy.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I had a good weekend.

Yet my body and mind insist on feeling awful. It's just one of those times, I guess. I can be fine for a while but by the end of the day I'm in the rut. Ugh.

Friday, if I remember correctly, was somewhat spectacular. Spectacular really is a strong word, and not really accurate, but the only word I seem to be able to think of to describe it as any better than OK, which it was. Er, it was better than OK, that is. But I mean...otherwise it was OK. Egh.
The school day was funny, there were many laughs.
I like splitting my time between lunch tables. I get my time with the girls, my breather from the school day, where I can eat, snooze, chill da fuq out, you know. And then I get to spend time at the guys' table--but let's be honest, I'm only there for Chris and Jack. Well, and kind of to take a breather from the girls' table. Change is nice right around now. Especially with me getting so restless.

Jack hasn't texted or emailed me. Which is fine, he's under no obligation to do so. But it's always weird when someone begins to pick something up regularly and drops it again without warning. Such as...texting or emailing.
Daniel did text me, however, so I really shouldn't complain.

I feel like I shouldn't be putting so much weight into our friendship--mine, and Jack, and Daniel's.
If the two of them both decided to go to USF, would I really just drop everything and go there too?
It's really tempting.
Plus, I'm being overdramatic when I say "drop everything". USF is still an open option, and let's face it, my dad would love it if I went there, because it's so much closer to home than FSU. I think he's convinced I want to get away.
You know, dad? Maybe I'm actually looking out of myself and my future. Maybe there are schools out of an hour's traveling distance that can offer me so much more than what I can get in this little radius you're giving me.

I can't really remember Saturday, I think I just spent a lot of time staring at my computer screen (my homework), not doing anything, and watching the TV behind me with my sister, because she was catching up on Once Upon A Time. Yeah, pretty sure that's all we did all day. Besides house chores.

And then today I went to Orlando to see Meghon and Kuya and Abby. Which was slightly disappointing because instead of dropping me and my sister off and then going shopping, we actually went grocery shopping and errand-running before and after visiting, which probably cut our visit by a few hours, making it impossible to go out and see a movie like we'd wanted to, made us tired, etc. Also, Claire and Abel, even Caleb, had gone to see them yesterday, so we missed them.

How is it possible that the last time I saw them was December 17, 2011?
What happened?
They're supposed to be new family.
This is unacceptable.

You would think that I'd be okay with it because it's not like I'm used to having family around anyway, since hardly any of our family lives anywhere nearby.

But I feel like maybe that's worse, because I'm so much more alone than I have been. I was so excited to have more family, more people in my life...but it really doesn't feel like that's the case anymore.
I thought about it, and I think this is why this year has been so hard on me. I've never had to deal with everything all by myself.
Even now, I don't have to, but I'm not comfortable enough to talk to my friends any more than I always have. I'm used to just keeping to myself, then bloggeringeringering, then talking to my family. I'd gotten used to talking to Meghon last year. But Meghon's married and moved out, my brother is with her, my sister is out with her own life, Meghon's family live scattered in different places all several hours away. Nothing is anchored, nothing is constant, nothing is stable. These are the people I'm supposed to be hanging onto, they're the ones who are supposed to be there always, and they are, but they're not.

Why is coming back to school so hard every week?
Why is being me no longer enough?

Everything is a struggle, everyday is a fight.

10 weeks. Give me strength, give me freedom. 10 more weeks.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Marta, Marta, I just can't. Oh my gosh. I can't.
She's just this outrageous, fervent, young and unafraid character.
And she's supposed to represent the city of New York, isn't she?
I don't know anything firsthand about being in New York, or in any big city really, but this scene does wonders for me.

Her voice is just this powerful, brassy thing. When she dips into her lower notes there's this inviting mystique, and as it heightens it becomes frantic but above all never backs down. The lyrics, the music, her entire performance illustrates glory and frenzy and intrigue, and ever present in her voice is this exciting edge that draws you in, the way a CAUTION sign does. It says to me, the city's not for everyone, but it is a wondrous, enthralling place for those people to whom it calls. Those people like Marta.

"And another hundred people just got off of the train."
She's saying, it could be you. It is me, I'm already there, but you've got to see it for yourself. People are coming here every day, every minute, every few seconds--living it, breathing it, soaking it in or passing it by. It could be you. And, in the case of Bobby, there are so many people...who knows who you'll meet in the mix?

Sondheim is brilliant, and Company--at least this performance of it--is one of the best things I have ever seen.