tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62184449064278744552024-03-19T00:28:26.537-04:00Brain SpewEnjoy.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-7118222204766584142012-09-04T02:18:00.000-04:002012-09-04T02:18:10.586-04:006 hours 28 minutes 55 secondsThis is how long we Skyped continuously tonight.<br />
<br />
Not our all-time record, but by far the best we've done since he left.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I regret nothing.<br />
<br />
I can hardly wait to see him again.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-52135127099866574532012-09-01T14:13:00.000-04:002012-09-01T16:02:09.594-04:00Deleting everything off my old phone.Some texts I had saved to remember them:
<br />
<br />
Chris:<br />
"Haha, you're not lonely, you have plenty of loving friends"<br />
<br />
Sammy:<br />
"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially when concerning incoming and outgoing trends of music and art."<br />
"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially your own."<br />
"MONA. Take NO ONE'S bullshit. Especially what the old people in The Villages give you. Such horrible drivers they are."<br />
"Girl we be da cutest couple. That's why you shouldn't even care about that bullshit."
<br />
<br />
Daniel:<br />
"Notes are nice, poems are sweet, but when I'm with you, my whole world is complete."<br />
"Never forget you're always loved, if not by all, then by me."<br />
"You put the air in my lungs and the beat in my heart."<br />
"I miss you more than anything that has happened in my life. I love you."<br />
"Dreams with you in them are the best I could ever hope for, have a great day."<br />
<br />
And this conversation:<br />
Daniel: "Last night I slept with my guitar. We stayed up late making sweet sweet love music. Oh how she loved to be played!"<br />
Me: "Fuck your guitar, I slept alone"<br />
Daniel: "I Love You"<br />
<br />
<br />
Now I can delete these from my phone, but always remember I am loved. Jon told me something once, so simple and true, I haven't forgotten. "If you surround yourself with friends, you wil never be lonely."<br />
You know, senior year did a lot for me in finding out who and what I am, want, need, and don't need. I grew up, and can't wait for the future, to put what I learned about taking care of myself and those I love to the test.<br />
<br />
G2g, time to take on the world, okbaaaii<!--3-->mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-25857613240952946382012-08-31T23:28:00.002-04:002012-08-31T23:28:54.048-04:00I feel a bit guiltythat I can't write about good things in here anymore. It's more of an escapist tendency, coming back here. When I have too many negative emotions brimming and I need somewhere for it to spill safely over without staining everything.<br />
<br />
I'm unhappy. Why? I don't know. I blame my period.<br />
Something that ticks me off about my conversations with Daniel, is the abrupt end to them that happens too, too often. I can suggest we go to bed, I can prep myself that we're going to part ways, but he'll say, "No, we can finish this game first," "No, I'm not tired yet," "No." But then just as I settle with the idea of talking with him for the rest of the night, we come to a point where he says, "Goodnight, Mona."<br />
<br />
I'm not kidding. He's in complete control of the conversation. It's goodbye when he says goodbye, without warning, and I'm not allowed to prepare myself. I guess I'm just supposed to always expect it.<br />
But I feel like if I talk to him every night without letting go of the reality that he's not really with me, and that we can't go to bed together, and that I'll have to say goodbye, then talking to him at all wouldn't be worth it. It would be fake, a formality.<br />
<br />
So I like to let myself forget. It makes it easier to talk to him. I look forward to it every day.<br />
<br />
So when he just cuts it off like that, it drops reality like an anvil or a grand piano in an ol' Acme cartoon.<br />
<br />
Good Night, Mona. I have to go to sleep. I have to get my 10 hours of sleep, and wake up in the morning and go about my usual life. You have to get <i>some</i> sleep, I know you think you don't have to, but you do, so you can wake up in the morning and go about your life. And every morning you wake up, is another morning closer to when we'll be together again, right? So Have A Great Night, Mona. I Love You.<br />
<br />
I know. I know. I know. I know. The only response I have is a nod, a gulp, "Goodnight, love you, too."<br />
<br />
Sweet Dreams.<br />
<br />
"You, too."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dammit. I can usually get by. It bothers me, yes, every single time. It's just a let down, every single time. It hurts, every time. But I can handle it.<br />
<br />
Just, tonight it's killing me. I spent too much time during the conversation being frustrated with the game we were playing that I was obviously, <i>obviously</i> losing. We played for almost an hour. I lost. Then we switched to that dumbass game of Connect Four, that I won three times in a row. Shit, it only took a few minutes. It didn't make me feel any better about myself, if that was his plan. And then he says goodnight.<br />
<br />
I'm not blaming him for anything, he's not doing anything wrong. If anything, he's the sweetest thing. And he's damn right. Thinking of him helps me sleep at night, knowing I'm one night closer to him.<br />
But tonight, I kind of just wish he'd stay up with me, or we could fall asleep together, and pretend again that he was here.<br />
<br />
I guess I'm just bitching.<br />
<br />
I really do blame the PMS. It's in that later stage where my emotions kick in and I get pissed at everything.<br />
<br />
I miss him so fucking much.<br />
Tonight's gonna be a bitch.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I thought it'd be easier when I got home.<br />
But I think I've found a new definition of home,<br />
and it's not here, not now.<br />
Not until he comes back.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-53177714656984824152012-08-16T00:37:00.003-04:002012-08-16T00:37:49.023-04:00And I'm selfishbecause the first post I make in over a month, after everything in my life really started moving--my boyfriend, most of my friends, I finished up at work, I'm working out my classes, etc.--is about an old flame.<br />
<br />
In my defense, it's the only thought that came, sudden and heavy, without any other outlet presented.<br />
Maybe I'll talk to Kaylee about it tomorrow.<br />
Daniel doesn't know.<br />
I've been able to talk to Daniel, Kaylee, Rachel, about everything else, which is why I haven't felt the pressure to write here.<br />
But I had to get it out, this feeling, idea, memory. I couldn't house it anymore, because God forbid, it would take root.<br />
<br />
I'll tell him soon enough.<br />
I'll tell him everything.<br />
I don't want to have to escape to my blog.<br />
I don't want to have to run away or feel like I have to drop unwanted feelings in this public dump of words meant for someone to know, but not necessarily someone I know or trust.<br />
I just want to trust him,<br />
and tell him everything.<br />
<br />
And I will.<br />
Eventually.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-54224021990022815512012-08-16T00:31:00.004-04:002012-08-16T00:40:37.931-04:00Having the self-controlto not tell that boy how you watched a movie today that made you think of him the entire time.<br />
And how the one character you found mildly attractive became more attractive the more he resembled that boy.<br />
And the way he leveled his face with whomever he was talking to<br />
and the way his gaze was steady, unblinking, the way <i>his</i> was with yours<br />
and the way his mouth was always just open, and the curve of his lips reminded you of the curve of <i>his</i> soft lips<br />
and that afternoon when he stumbled into you by the door on the far side of the school, by the parking lot, pulled you close and asked, he <i>asked</i>, just for one kiss.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm not interested. And I'm not in denial. I'm incredibly happy with who I'm with, and seriously see a future with Daniel.<br />
But that boy will always creep into my mind.<br />
<br />
And while it's hard for impulsive, blabbermouth, flirtatious me to keep it from him<br />
I can't bring myself to bring it up.<br />
And when he texts me song lyrics tinged with desperation,<br />
I can't reply.<br />
Because I already told him it's not going to happen<br />
and I've already fucked enough people up, haven't I?mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-68451786782390795562012-07-11T00:11:00.003-04:002012-07-11T00:11:54.334-04:00Don't know what's wrong with me lately.The painful effects of letting oneself <i>love</i> are finally kicking in. Signs of withdrawal, loneliness, longing, paranoia, drifting--like flies around my head. But I just keep telling myself, it'll pass. I lasted months with him miles away, yet now a few days without him are killing me. Maybe it's because we don't talk every night. We barely talk during the day, typically a good morning text and a good night text. Maybe it's because July is slipping away and I know when he's leaving and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, only that I'll have to. Because I am not letting him go. I am not letting my hormones, or emotions, or whatever it is that is eating at me, ruin what I have, because when I'm with him, when I talk to him, when I wear my bracelet and snuggle with my stuffed animal, I know we're so worth it.<br />
<br />
I just need to keep reminding myself.<br />
<br />
Cabin fever, a temporarily disabled mom, and these flames suddenly at my window, knocking on my heart expecting me to let them in again...it's making everything so hard. I hate to hurt people, but it's seems like there's no way I'm not going to. I have Daniel, I just have to hold on to him and keep moving forward.<br />
<br />
I need to be with him again soon. Not only am I driving myself insane thinking about him, he is the suddenly the only thing and only one that makes everything feel better. I can't even bring myself to call Kaylee or Rachel anymore. I want to, I'll pick up the phone, I still have their numbers memorized, but all I see is Daniel, and just roll over and just to push everything else out of my mind.<br />
<br />
I need to get out of here, and cut the ties that are holding me down. A fresh start, with just the ones I need--family, friends, and beau.<br />
<br />
I can't tell if I'm running away from time or trying to run with it, but something's gotta resolve, soon, or I just might lose it.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-54112372383176922932012-06-24T21:44:00.002-04:002012-06-26T11:12:01.120-04:00"And that's all I had to say about that."And so, my epically (4-post) long life update is finally published. For easy viewing, here are the links in order of how I wrote it (as opposed to the reverse order you get by scrolling).<br />
<br />
<a href="http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/and-suddenly-i-have-so-much-to-say.html">http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/and-suddenly-i-have-so-much-to-say.html</a><br />
<a href="http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/daniel.html">http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/daniel.html</a><br />
<a href="http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-just-had-conversation-with-him-on.html">http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-just-had-conversation-with-him-on.html</a><br />
<a href="http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/never-is-hard-word-to-swallow.html">http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/never-is-hard-word-to-swallow.html</a><br />
<br />
A lot has happened this summer. Mostly, I'm having a good time with my family, my job, and of course, my boyfriend. Life has never looked so good as it has lately.<br />
<br />
Hospital soon, though, for my mom's surgery. A solemn time approaches. I'm going to enjoy all the moments I can possibly enjoy.<br />
<br />
Enjoy.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-73944119580233596182012-06-24T21:00:00.002-04:002012-06-24T21:01:41.879-04:00"Never" is a hard word to swallow."Never" is a big word. I don't take well to absolutes. "Always". "Never". I guess it makes relationships a little weird to me, the whole concept of them. Or at least, of them happening so young. Especially as someone who didn't spend her childhood dreaming of settling. Young marriage, young family. Commitment to one person, one idea, one thing. That wasn't me. That isn't me.<br />
<br />
As I mentioned before, camp reminded me of that--possibilities. I'm thinking of Michelle and John. Tiffani and David. Then I'm thinking of me. Carlos, Jacob, Zaylin.<br />
I had a dream last night involving Julian.<br />
And then I wake up, and it's all about Daniel again. I remember what Julian and I talked about right before graduation. "We could've had a lot of fun this year", "We can still have fun", "This isn't a good time for either of us", "When we're both available to each other, I would love to..."<br />
And I think about Daniel.<br />
And I thought about all these guys, the things I remember about them, like their faces and their voices, and in my mind I applied in big red letters: "never"<br />
I might never know what it's like to be with them--not just them as people, but them as a concept. Any other guy I might meet in the future. Never again.<br />
<br />
Why? Because, Daniel.<br />
<br />
"Always" with one person always scared me, because it applies "never" to everyone else.<br />
But with Daniel, it's a little different. Less scary. More promising.<br />
He makes me want things I didn't want. To live. He makes me want to do everything in the world. He makes me want to dream big, to travel and see and try new things. To know what it's like, to get married, to have a family, to have a grown-up life of my own. I think it's my desire for him to stay that is coming up with these fantasies. As if my idea of marrying him will anchor him to me, to this side of the world. I can go to work and come home to him every day, knowing he's not going anywhere. I could spend my nights and mornings with him without the shame of being desperate teenage lovers. He makes me want to grow up. With him.<br />
<br />
Of course, I'm not in a hurry to get married; that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just such an interesting feeling.<br />
<br />
I don't know if this will last forever, but as of right now, I wish it would. I'm ready to say, I'm kind of in love with him. And he's kind of totally in love with me, which will likely <i>always </i>be difficult for me to believe, although I want so much for it to be true. But he is possibly the greatest thing to have happened to me in my life, not exaggerating. Especially at this time of my life, after the disasters of high school and in the face of the fears of the future.<br />
<br />
I don't want him to leave me. I don't<i> ever</i> want to leave him. I <i>never</i> want to hurt him. That's how I feel right now. <i>"Never"</i>.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-87463375173135473892012-06-24T20:57:00.007-04:002012-06-24T20:57:54.405-04:00I just had a conversation with him on the phone.We talked about something I've been dying to know...who is he? Who is he now, after everything he's been through the past 5 years? Maybe I was a little disappointed in what he had to say. He basically admitted, he's not the same person he was before. My consolation is that he's currently a mix of the Daniel I knew, and the Daniel he became when he moved. That's the Daniel I'm dating. But he told me, whenever he moves to a new place, he starts over, like becoming a new person. I already know, he's moved around a lot, and that's likely not to change--especially now that he has two lives across America. I guess I'm really just afraid of him changing, becoming someone completely different, leaving me behind. And the reality that we've both still got a bit of growing up to do, and we might not be perfectly compatible at the end of it. If we make it that far.<br /><br />Part of me wants to freeze how we are now, this daily life of just trying to figure out when we'll next see each other.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-63777506763104686782012-06-24T20:57:00.004-04:002012-06-24T20:57:31.927-04:00Daniel.I spent a week at camp enjoying myself and having a ball. And you know what? There were boys there (duh). There were boys with beautiful voices and beautiful faces and fascinating personalities and to be honest, some of them sparked my interest. Some of them were interested in me, too. But I came back to the dorm every night and either called or waited for Daniel's call, and talked to him for over an hour, or for five minutes, however long we had. And then I would climb into the top bunk and stare at the dark of the ceiling, cramped into a ball under two blankets in the cold room, aching for his body heat and the sound of his heartbeat and steady breathing. His quietly voiced sigh, almost inaudible, of complete comfort and content, when we're together. He wasn't there, but he helped me to sleep each night.<br /><br />
The last night of camp, we talked on the phone. "It's official," he said. "I'm leaving June 26."<br /><br />It was one of those moments where your heart doesn't necessarily sink, but kind of bobs in uncertainty, something like shock and/or disbelief turning the medium in which it floated to a semi-solid jello. My heart was sinking, but very, very slowly.<br /><br />Waiting for the best part of your life to leave is, as I have found, much akin to waiting to die.<br /><br />And thus, the day back from camp was potentially the worst day of my summer. I felt horrible all day, and it was awful. Simple. <br /><br />
It was only a few days from when he broke the news to when a new opportunity popped up. August 8. He would have another month and some to stay here, and have enough time before school starts at Utah State to prepare himself. If only I wanted him to stay?<br /><br />Of course, what could I say to that? I melted; it took everything not to beg him. I can't ask him to stay. I could never ask him to stay. I told him, he knew how I felt. How I feel. What did he think?<br /><br />And so, the deadline was magically extended to August 8. Far enough away to soften the sting.<br />Still, it feels like we're bucket-listing. It's bittersweet, and I can only imagine who will cry first those last days.<br /><br />Probably him. He could be weeks gone before it all crashes down on me.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-35645073751372786472012-06-24T20:55:00.003-04:002012-06-24T21:46:06.429-04:00And suddenly, I have so much to say.In fact, I'm going to spread this over multiple posts so you don't get too irritated reading it all in one sitting. (whoever "you" are)<br />
<br />
First of all, camp was incredible. Work as a graphic design intern reminds me where I'm going in life, by pressing me daily for creativity and new ideas and visual execution. Camp reminded me where the other half of my heart lies. One week, so many songs, and over 150 people who all came together of their own accord to do what they love. There was so much heart put into every moment, at that camp. My voice was so tired by the end of the week, but the songs keep playing to this day. The selection might have just been the director's choice, but they all meant so much to each of us, in different ways. Here Inside My Heart. Requiem. A Thousand Beautiful Things.<br />
Oh, My Luve's Like a Red, Red Rose.<br />
<br />
<i>As fair art thou my bonnie lass, so deep in luve am I</i><br />
<i>I will luve thee still, my dear, tho' it were ten thousand mile.</i><br />
<br />
Next post!<i> </i>mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-72730850354772123902012-05-29T13:42:00.002-04:002012-05-29T13:42:27.637-04:00I think I may have just run out of things to say.Life has been moving forward at something of a constant rate, now. Nothing weird to report, everything good to revel in and remember.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542160_469471786403004_100000205591190_2073460_767796502_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542160_469471786403004_100000205591190_2073460_767796502_n.jpg" width="213" /></a>Actually, I'm getting scared. I've wanted so much, and I've waited, and now I have received. It's almost too good to be true, though I know it is real. It's like the past year being away was nothing, we just picked up where we left off. Yet it's like he's another person. No, it's not like that at all. He's the same person, he's familiar and safe, and I know him and trust him entirely. But there's this new dimension to him that I've opened, that is bright and inviting and adventurous. And I want to be with him every moment, and get to know him all over again. I want to explore this new relationship we have, with new boundaries and fallen walls and open doors. He's the same Daniel, but now he's letting me in, pulling me closer. I've never been this close to someone before, on all these different levels. Before, I could talk to him about anything, and he would tell me about himself in turn, and we let each other into our lives bit by bit until it's like we're both really there. Now he's physically here, and I can feel his hand in mine, and his fingers run up and down my skin, and his arm around me and his heartbeat against my ear and our mouths connected and it feels like we can't get close enough.<br />
<br />
I'm scared because now we've made it this far. So what happens next?<br />
I don't want to think about him leaving again. I don't know when the next time I'll see him will be. I don't know if this will be it for us, now that we're finally here.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to put this away. I intend to enjoy my month with him, and not let the dread of it ending overshadow the time we have. We have so much to get done! At least ten movies, and Lights Out shows. How we're going to cram them all, I don't know. We'll see.<br />
<br />
I might not post in this journal again.<br />
I probably will, but it'll be few and far between, and maybe even dwindle all the way down to nothing.<br />
Now that I'm done with high school, now that I'm done with those people and that school and this place, now that I get a fresh start filtering out the people I don't need and just holding close to the people I do, I don't think I want to keep writing. Not here, not anymore. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop living in the future. I need to keep my mirrors up to see both ways, but always stick to what's happening now, and be aware of myself, and the people around me.<br />
<br />
And Daniel. I need to focus on me, and Daniel.<br />
<br />
This summer is going to be the busiest of all, what with the private ensemble, and my job, and camp, and Daniel. But I'm going to make it the best so far.<br />
<br />
In the event that, by the end of the summer, this blog is abandoned forever and maybe even deleted...well, if you're important to me, you'll know how to reach me.<br />
<br />
Bye, now.<br />
M<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542160_469471786403004_100000205591190_2073460_767796502_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a><a href="http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542160_469471786403004_100000205591190_2073460_767796502_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a></div>mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-14654134577321338102012-05-22T08:41:00.000-04:002012-05-22T08:41:00.820-04:00I said it without realizing how much I meant it.I have never wanted <i>anything</i>,<br />
not even graduation,<br />
as much as I want him home.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-20338913164145426252012-05-20T23:52:00.001-04:002012-05-20T23:52:59.313-04:00Strawberry Fields, Nothing Is Real<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLapztHdfXwXwsFZGXcXBJGSfuXe-8263GaudPh8t55fTuJUfICuy1k46YkiTQUbLhR8SBsE5jZQ8aAqca05dFgkeqDu6AT1YUnK8lluCCVUSTAiwfY8wu5ki7JsmbEAqZGRkJEdLdZmY/s1600/scrnsht_google_UTtoFL.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLapztHdfXwXwsFZGXcXBJGSfuXe-8263GaudPh8t55fTuJUfICuy1k46YkiTQUbLhR8SBsE5jZQ8aAqca05dFgkeqDu6AT1YUnK8lluCCVUSTAiwfY8wu5ki7JsmbEAqZGRkJEdLdZmY/s400/scrnsht_google_UTtoFL.bmp" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
I can't believe this is happening.<br />
I can't remember being so excited for anything in my life.<br />
I went <i>numb</i>, I had no idea how to feel, how to deal with my emotions. My voice was shaky. My words tumbled over themselves on the way to my mouth, and hardly any made it through. I had put the thought away all day, so unprepared was I to face it.<br />
And then he called.<br />
<br />
His voice even sounded just a little closer, like he was almost here.<br />
I could imagine him, I could almost feel him next to me.<br />
I'm delusional.<br />
<br />
I've had so many things to look forward to.<br />
<br />
The cafe was fucking brilliant, best cafe ever. We say that after almost all of them, but this went beyond all others. This was amazing.<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/GjyvEbmXOFU" width="560"></iframe><br />
<i>God</i>, Robbie is cute. I love him to death and will miss him so much.<br />
And once again, Lauren's endless talents show through in this video. <br />
<br />
Ana's recital was amazing. For the first time in the 12 years I've known her, I got to see her really go hard doing what she loves. None of that Golden Girl stuff. I saw her en pointe, and her senior (YOLO!) solo, that crazy modern superhero one, and the grande finale, in which she was the lead. I'm so proud of her, and proud to know her, and be her friend. She is hands down one of the most incredible people I've ever known, body and mind, heart and soul. She's a fascinating and intricate creature, a complex human being. She is beautiful.<br />
<br />
Awards tomorrow, and the next day. Baccalaureate, Thursday. Graduation, Saturday, let's go. Party time.<br />
As I've said, I've had so many things to look forward to. I still do.<br /><br />
<b>But this trumps them all.</b><br />
<br />
Waiting just got a hell of a lot harder.<br />
I'm just counting down the days.<br />mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-4750734104444393122012-05-09T00:23:00.003-04:002012-05-09T00:23:36.757-04:00I don't even know what to say.I have so many things to say, and no words to express them.<br />
<br />
It's been weeks since I've written, or been able to write.<br />
All I've been doing is talking.<br />
And I've been saying all the wrong things for all the right reasons.<br />
<br />
I've been honest, I've been straight forward. I'm not hiding anymore.<br />
But I am wrong, I am guilty, and I am ashamed.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I'm just counting down the days.<br />
<br />
End of the year concert. VMAs. Underground cafe. Ana's recital.<br />
That week before graduation--awards, officer training, baccalaureate, and the ceremony. Parties.<br />
I start my job.<br />
<br />
Daniel comes home.<br />
Daniel comes home.<br />
Daniel comes home.<br />
<br />
I need June to come and rip me from temptation, to burn the last ties I have to this school and these regrets clawing at my conscience, and to bring to my arms the boy that took my heart.<br />
<br />
June can't come soon enough for me.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-31548729388898520272012-04-25T16:16:00.003-04:002012-04-25T16:28:00.540-04:00Friends don't break up with friends.Although I should know better than anyone that’s not true. A friendship is a commitment, just like a romantic relationship. And it <i>can</i> be broken. I’ve done it before, and I guess what goes around comes around.<br />
<br />
I just didn’t expect it from you.<br />
<br />
You’d think we’d be able to “work it out”, but it’s hard to work out something with someone when you’re not talking.<br />
It’s been so long since we’ve really talked.<br />
No one else seems to notice the change. Does this mean you’re just starting to treat me like everyone else? I didn’t realize this is who you really are. To me, you were always sensitive, perceptive, gentle, understanding…above all, caring. Yet the boy I knew has only showed himself once in the past month and a half, in a rare moment when we were together, and alone. Now the boy I see only ever answers anything with a “Fuck you, bitch.” And proceeds to pursue interaction with someone, anyone, else.<br />
I realize you’re probably joking…but I thought you would’ve noticed I’ve never laughed. Not once.<br />
I can just imagine what you think of me. Taking things too seriously, maybe? Can’t take a joke? I might even be being immature. So what, the mature thing to do is to shrug it off?<br />
<br />
I think the truth is, I just can’t stand being treated this way. Especially not by you.<br />
<br />
You know, I started off this post thinking he was breaking it off with me. I mean, he keeps pushing me away. I’ve tried to talk to him, and he’ll be receptive in an E-mail, but still rejects me in person, and around other people. I really don’t know how to read that. Does he want me around, or not?<br />
Regardless, he certainly isn’t communicating as though he still wants me in his life. And I can’t handle being thrown back every time I approach. Actually, I’m sick of it. And yes, it fucking hurts.<br />
<br />
So now that my thoughts are sorted into words, it looks like I’m the one leaving. But you know, it’s probably better this way, because God knows I don’t shut the door behind me. If he still wants to be friends, he’ll know where to find me.<br />
<br />
Yeah, I'll admit: I've been avoiding talking about this. I've been avoiding the topic, avoiding the thoughts, avoiding making a decision--though truth be told, I think this decision's been made, for a while now...just never set in stone. So this is my distress call, this is me tearing out this piece of my heart and making its imprint in concrete. This is me making a decision.<br />
I don’t know, some things you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs, off the top of a building, as if somehow by telling it to the world, it makes it more official. Like you won’t go back on your word. Like I won’t text him as soon as I’m done with this. Like I won’t try to talk to him again tomorrow. Like I won’t keep putting myself through the same bullshit every day.<br />
<br />
As cheesy as it is, I literally thought we had something “special”. Based on evidence of how it was and how it is now, I’m inclined to continue believing that we did. Did: past tense. But that has gone and died, now, and it’s time to move forward.<br />
<br />
I’ve gotta get out of here.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-74656103595602884962012-04-22T21:41:00.000-04:002012-04-22T21:41:01.628-04:00An eventful morningAs much as I'm allergic to cute couples and related obscenities,<br />
I can take sweetness from him.<br />
<br />
Even when it's overwhelming, and he's(/we're) being ridiculous and lovesick, when it's cheesy as fuck,<br />
well, I mean, it just doesn't seem nearly as cheesy, and is really quite tolerable.<br />
And it's arguably the first time it's been that bad, with us. We're pretty chill, I think, pretty in control. At least, when we're talking to each other.<br />
Me, on this blog, that's a different story. I say everything here that I don't say to him or anyone else. This is where all my excess fluff and other bullshit filters out.<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
Damn. Just reading what he sent to me make something in me do flips, and I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or a little of both because it still blows me away that this is him, this is the same little boy I took in in eighth grade, this is Daniel, and he feels this way about me, and he thinks the world of me (despite experiencing pretty much every ridiculous absurd uncensored Mona under the sun), and this is real.<br />
<br />
It's just so much more sincere, genuine, from him than anyone else. Like I actually intrigue him, like I'm special.<br />
Like we passed right over that initial, "Oh wow, we're in love, we've been dating for like <i>a day</i>, omg let's get married" stupid barf magic that happens at the beginning of most relationships and dies in a month or so, and went straight into just being a part of each other's lives, and being aware of it, and adjusting to the sudden but not very dramatic change.<br />
<br />
I don't know how else to explain it. I guess this is just what it's like when you realize this is how you really feel about someone you've actually been close to for a few years in advance, and not just the couple of months before you start dating. Like, this is what it's like when you start something more--this kind of relationship--with one of your best friends.<br />
<br />
It's interesting and exciting and fresh, and comfortable and familiar and safe, all at the same time.<br />
<br />
I'm just waiting for June to roll around.<br />
<br />
Counting down, counting down, counting downmona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-32160097026491621322012-04-21T22:58:00.000-04:002012-05-29T13:48:48.187-04:00The best parts of my days are the nights. [9:08:15 PM] Daniel: :M<br />
<br />
[9:08:23 PM] Daniel: ^sigma face<br />
<br />
[9:08:37 PM] Me: SIGMA NOTATION<br />
<br />
[9:08:42 PM] Me: I THINK I GET IT<br />
not 100% though<br />
<br />
[9:09:04 PM] Daniel: just a dude with a sigma for a mouth<br />
<br />
[9:09:13 PM] Daniel: would make for some odd kissing<br />
<br />
[9:09:37 PM] Me: I'm not witty or knowledgable enough to come up with something punny related to the Greek alphabet<br />
<br />
[9:09:50 PM] Me: but let's pretend I am and just said something astounding and hilarious<br />
<br />
[9:10:07 PM] Me: LOL I AM A SMART MOUTH<br />
<br />
[9:10:49 PM] Daniel: haha . . pun . . .<br />
<br />
[9:10:57 PM] Daniel: 'smart' mouth<br />
<br />
[9:11:01 PM] Me: teehee<br />
<br />
[9:11:12 PM] Daniel: you're an alpha mind for sure<br />
<br />
[9:11:33 PM] Daniel: take THAT<br />
<br />
[9:11:36 PM] Me: I like you!<br />
<br />
[9:11:49 PM] Daniel: I like mew too!<br />
<br />
[9:12:00 PM] Me: YOU TRYNA FIGHT ME<br />
<br />
[9:12:11 PM] Me: SACURITY!<br />
<br />
[9:12:35 PM] Daniel: If I was trying to fight you, I'd have to protect my tau's from your high-heels<br />
<br />
[9:12:50 PM] Me: tau<br />
<br />
[9:12:52 PM] Me: tau<br />
<br />
[9:13:14 PM] Daniel: it sounds similiar to toe :N<br />
<br />
[9:13:18 PM] Me: my heels would've delta powerful blow<br />
<br />
[9:13:25 PM] Daniel: I LOVE YOU<br />
<br />
<br />
On another note, I had a lazy day today. Excited about getting a schmancy new phone for graduation, though. Samsung Rant, you have served me well these past 3-4 years. But it's time for an upgrade.<br />
<br />
Better finish up that assignment that was due last Wednesday LOL. And start my Lit final.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-80868139383011316642012-04-21T21:26:00.001-04:002012-04-21T22:58:31.713-04:00Yesterdaywas an amazing day.<br />
<br />
I met five brilliant, beautiful artists from around the tri-county area. Muriel and Maria were sweet, and Cynthia was adorable. Hannah was aggressive, but harmless and even friendly. Katelyn was the real intimidator, and I didn't speak a word to her. I don't think any of us did. She's the salutatorian at West Port, and an avid painter. She was dressed sharply <i>and</i> quirky, kept to herself, and was the first to leave.<br />
<br />
Palooza was insane. So it sucks that 80% of the things in which I participate somehow flop. Little Lion Man could've been incredible hadn't all those things happened (such as my mic being off, the piano glitching, and the equipment crashing to the ground). It was still exciting though, from what I could hear from the gazebo (I couldn't see a thing). At least Lauren's act was cute, and mad fun. Just goes to show, the more you get into it, the better it turns out, eh?<br />
<br />
Getting rained out was a blessing in disguise, because I can't remember the last time I had that much fun after a show. I'm not sure I ever have. Not going into much detail, but with all the equipment in the band room and everyone leaving, the boys plugged their shit back in and we all rocked out. Hard. Jonah had already set up the drum set the minute all the parts were in, Robbie grabbed his guitar, Stephen took bass and Blair hooked up the mic. We shot through Melrose Diner, Sugar We're Goin' Down, and godfuckingdamn American Idiot, and it was electric and loud and fast and exhilarating and my heart starts pumping even just a little just remembering how amazing it felt to be in that room freaking out and not giving a shit. I saw the way Robbie grinned when I lost it at the mic, and for once I felt like I belonged up there. Seeing my sisters, Tara and Kaylee, cheering me on, that made it even better. Mr. Riddle watched from his office behind the closed door.<br />
This, I'll miss, these people, this music, those moments, alone.<br />
"Alone" meaning the plugged in rehearsals in the band room when Riddle lets us do whatever the fuck we want.<br />
This time, we just had an audience. But it didn't stop us from connecting.<br />
<br />
The traditional Steak and Shake trip was well worth it (but Rachel, we missed you!)<br />
I miss the hell out of Robert, although I have no idea how to show it. I can't believe he'll be leaving soon, and won't be back for two years at least. But it was a good night of bonding, what with how comfortable Kaylee and I are around each other, which made it less awkward for Branden and Robert, with whom at least I'm not perfectly comfortable. We spoke freely and laughed and talked about childhood, books, life.<br />
<br />
And if I'm being honest, I'll admit, Julian was a big part of the night, albeit not being around the entire time. He set his stakes in the ground, enough to make his mark.<br />
Maybe he will be the biggest question mark of my high school years, but I'm happy now and I don't regret a thing. I'm not looking back. I'm glad I can still trust him and talk to him, though, unlike any other boy I've so much as touched.<br />
<br />
-----------------------------------<br />
<br />
Daniel and I had a misunderstanding last night. Or maybe it was perfectly understood, but still a conflict?<br />
I realize how much I can't handle aggression. I laugh about it, rage and tantrums, randomly throwing things across the room. But punching a hole in the door crosses into "violent". I didn't think much of it at first, but when he started joking about it, it set me off unexpectedly.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the point of the story, is that: I didn't outright tell him he was wrong. It's not my place to push it, I already told him what I thought, and he rebutted, and that was that. But he could tell something was up.<br />
And he apologized.<br />
And he didn't <i>just</i> apologize, he reiterated what (he thought) he had done wrong (<i>and he was right</i>).<br />
<br />
And he said he loves me, and wouldn't let anything hinder that.<br />
<br />
I understand, love is a heavy word. But when it comes from him....the way he always pauses before he uses it, the way his voice changes ever so slightly, like he's putting real weight into the word....it makes me want to believe him.<br />
<br />
After all, didn't he put up with four years of me <i>actually</i> being myself around him, move away for 8 (going on 9) months now, and still wants to be with me?<br />
<br />
I think I might've lucked out, he's definitely something special.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-22471659276583159592012-04-16T19:41:00.001-04:002012-04-16T19:41:21.000-04:00My scalp is suffering.Guess I'm really stressed out.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-45945402773217192122012-04-13T23:57:00.002-04:002012-04-13T23:57:18.791-04:00And it persists.The Sadness.<br />
I can have a perfectly normal, fine, good day, what have you. But then I go home.<br />
And I look in the mirror.<br />
And I see my eyes, round and empty. Nothing in my face is smiling.<br />
And how long have my eyebrows been tensed up like that, in frowns of disappointment or frustration or defeat?<br />
<br />
I breathe heavy. I sigh a lot.<br />
And I frown.<br />
<br />
But it was otherwise a good day.<br />
There were so many good things about today.<br />
Like music, and art. My solo, the University of Tampa concert, Grimm.<br />
Talked to Daniel for 5 minutes. Mathematically, that's about 3% the amount of time we usually talk, but with the way I am feeling, it was plenty. Enough to lift my heart for about 5 minutes.<br />
<br />
Before it sinks down again, somewhere in my chest, beating hollowly away.<br />
<br />
I need to schedule my cardiology appointment.<br />
<br />
I need to get some sleep.<br />
<br />
And why not tonight? Since I've nothing else to do but wallow in my own unexplainable unhappiness.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My body needs reprieve.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-80106119986544134942012-04-13T01:34:00.003-04:002012-04-13T01:34:55.359-04:00It's so late but I have too much to do to sleep yet."I'm a cherry. I'm a wild cherry--" *abruptly turns around and starts dancing* "--PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY."<br />
<br />
I'm not sure he understands most of what comes out of his mouth at times like these.<br />
<br />
Also I got him to read several of the top 25 Damn You Autocorrects out loud.<br />
Getting Daniel to say obscenities I think counts for some serious points.<br />
<br />I only got one "fuck" out of him, but he did allow me some "dicks" and "pussies", which is especially impressive, isn't it? It's so offensive! And the words came out of his mouth, in his voice! It was outrageous and hilarious, and he was embarrassed because he'd always catch it just a little late, he'd already started reading it out loud and couldn't just stop there. So funny.<br />
<br />
God, I love this boy.<br />
<br />
Putting away scholarship, unfinished. Time to math.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-21125510222270776692012-04-11T23:06:00.000-04:002012-04-11T23:06:12.340-04:00GOD, MY BOYFRIEND IS CUTE*slain*<br />
<br />
Sorry, just having one of those moments.<br />
Also, I just Kafka'd him to sleep.<br />
<br />
No really,<br />
he was really tired<br />
so I literally read Metamorphosis--from the beginning!--out loud, until he fell asleep.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
...He is so damn cute.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-21607473187490839402012-04-11T21:34:00.001-04:002012-04-11T21:34:11.883-04:00What I Talked About: Leadership, team building, and watching the program growWhat I Should Have Talked About:<br />
Finding my voice, my confidence, and the ability to trust myself.<br />
<br />
But for all I talk about myself all the time, all the menial shit that no one cares about,<br />
I can't seem to talk about what matters, what makes me significant in this life, in this body, what really counts and what I want people to remember and know and learn from for themselves,<br />
when I am asked.<br />
<br />
A problem of mine is having so much to give,<br />
and no way to give it.<br />
<br />
My heart is forever alienated from the outside, and there is barely a connection between me and anyone and anything around me. There is one, but it's coated in superficiality and the forced tradition of trying to keep up a conversation that loses all meaning the second it's over.<br />
<br />
There are a handful of people who have known me long enough, well enough, deep enough, to be exceptions.<br />
And that's really all one needs, isn't it? Just a handful of close friends.<br />
<br />
I suppose I just wish I could convey myself better to the world,<br />
or teach them the things I know,<br />
help them to see things the way I see them.<br />
<br />
I suppose maybe that's why I'm an artist.<br />
I suppose maybe that's why I'm never satisfied with the work I do.<br />
<br />
I suppose that's why I overcompensate for everything.<br />
<br />
I suppose that's why I'm so tired.mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6218444906427874455.post-10712120527313787182012-04-11T01:32:00.001-04:002012-04-12T00:44:22.034-04:00He's trying to plug in his laptop frantically before it dies..."Aw, why can't I find the hole? I'm a man, I should be able to find the hole!"mona.in.the.boxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03023846729726703541noreply@blogger.com0