Tuesday, January 31, 2012

But we all know the answer is for me to get the fuck over myself.

But that's a contradiction in and of itself.

How am I supposed to live my life and do what's best for me if I stop thinking about myself?

I obviously just don't know how to live.

Can someone please just do it for me

The words "I can't"

seem to have taken over my life.

I can't do my homework. I can't focus. I can't produce artwork. I can't sing properly, nothing sounds or feels right. I can't do anything satisfactorily. I can't do anything normal.

I can't figure myself out. I don't understand why I am suddenly just always so unhappy.
I'm fine during various parts of the day, but by the end of it, I'm sapped. I feel very little motivation to do the things I used to love.

I can't feel excited about Buffalo Palooza. I can't feel excited about performing--I actually wasn't planning to, but I think he assigned me something. That's what it sounded like this morning, anyway.
As much as I want, I can't feel excited about art club. About choir. About chamber choir. About prepping for art school. About going to college at all. Why do I have to? It's just a big load of, of, spending loads of money to spend time not making money. I can't afford anything by myself. I can't take care of myself.

I feel it now, especially, because all I seem to want to do is sleep and eat. And when I'm super hungry and have eaten all my food already, I want to go out to eat, but then I remember I have no time or money, no job and no time to have a job and make money. I'm just a cyclical wreck, and I'm just too tired to see past that.

I have to keep thinking things will come around, I know I'll come around, I know this is just a phase and I'll get past it. I know, I know, I know. But every day that "I can't" becomes a day wasted, and a day I regret.

Everyone's all, "Senior year, no regrets". "You only live once, no regrets." "Live without regret."

I have

Every day is a new set.

And I just feel terrible. About my life, and myself.
I've become this abhorred creature toward which I can feel no pride or esteem. I am ashamed of myself for being lazy and dead, and I am ashamed of myself for being ashamed of myself.

Oh my God, what do I do?

Even now, I feel further from God than I've ever been.
Prayer feels fake to me, like a lie, like a forced habit. I can't feel my heart anymore.
I need help, but I'm afraid to ask for it. My mind and body do not accept help well. I am much too stubborn.
I could ask you, Rachel. I could ask my sister. I could just freaking go to church,
but the last time I went to church was really when I felt it.
I was empty, and sad, and alone, and just wanted to cry. Like, I felt like I was betraying God, by not being able to feel Him there anymore. By suddenly feeling that the whole mass, the service, everyone believing this was absurd. I want to believe, I want to, but I just don't know what or how to think anymore and it's breaking me.

I've never felt so lost.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

You know what? I don't really wanna talk about today.

I went through all these things I could write about, as they happened, but I don't wanna go into too much detail.
Is it time to make a chronological list? I think so!

  • Showered immediately after getting up, so shake off the sleep. Attitude: Good.
  • Within a few minutes of being out, my dad managed to make me want nothing more but to leave and/or crawl back into bed. I generally can't stand the man. I can't stand being his daughter. He's a big reason for me not to have children. Attitude: Why.
  • Dad leaves for a while. Get to work on organizing my portfolio. Attitude: Looking up.
  • Coasted on that mood for the rest of the day. Did chores without complaint. The main reason I typically don't work or do chores, or hate working or doing chores, is because I'm always yelled at to do them. When I'm asked nicely, there's really not a problem. I enjoy helping out. Dammit, why can't parents understand that?
In summation, based on my mood at the end of the day, today was "eh", on the cusp of "good". Work-wise, it was good. And that's always, well, it's always good.

Shower and last minute to-do's before bed. Goodnight.

As expected, today was "eh".

Not as expected, I didn't get any homework done.

That's not to say I wasn't working. I did some house work (very little).
More importantly, I organized my plans about my portfolio, listing what needed to be scanned/photographed/uploaded, and actually completed and uploaded a few works to my Slideroom. Progress!
And I know I have enough to fill my portfolio. They're asking for 10-15, no more than 20, and about half should be observational. I'm aiming for 15 pieces, and have at least 7 observational drawings that I'm comfortable with submitting. Rock on.

Friday and Saturday were beautiful. I fucking love Abby. I kind of felt like Kaylee was kind of set aside while she was here, because Abby and I were just so excited to see each other, but we all did talk and get along, so I mean, it was a success. And that was just their introduction! I just feel like they'd really like each other if they got to know each other. It's very difficult not to like Abby, and Abby seemed pretty happy about meeting Kaylee too. Again, I think it was a success.

Adventuring with Kaylee in downtown Leesburg was wondrous. I feel like (and kind of hope) it was sort of a peek into our future. I would really love to live with her/as her neighbor in some homey little town in North Carolina and just do artsy shit for the rest of out lives. And adventure! And travel! And experiment with food and projects and stuff. Idk, we can start a book or weblog of our adventures. Our lives would be splendid. I just, I want that. That's all.

Saturday was splendid, for similar reasons. The morning was adventuring at the Saturday market in Leesburg, the afternoon was the party. It was when you (Rachel) and I had just fallen on Kaylee's bed, laughing, holding hands, that it hit me that we were "the trio". It's always a trio. Once upon a time, it was me, and Ana, and Grace. Sometimes it's me, you, and Sammy. At that moment, it was me, you, and Kaylee, all back together again. With your +1, of course ;) It was great that he got to experience you with your girls, hahaha.

The night was nice. Being around and talking about Tanner, and you with Branden, made me think of Abel. I miss him and his quirkiness. And dancing with him, and walking with him in the dark. It was just nice, even as just friends. He's really sweet. I haven't seen him since that night; it's hard to imagine he's real. I hope he is, because he's therefore a whole lot better than the boys in front of me around here.

Being called for dinner. Will probably add another post just for today, and its roller coaster emotions (I always and without fail think of Scrubs when someone says something about emotional roller coasters).


Friday, January 27, 2012


"Say You Will" by Evanescence

It's taking you too long to decide
And I don't want to be the one, the one
Crying over wasted time

If you think you're strong enough to let me in
Then come on, stand up and be honest, be honest
I'm tired of feeling so alone
'Cause you won't let me understand
I don't wanna pretend, I wanna feel, I want to love

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

Whenever you're around, I can't fight it
You get under my skin the way that I like it
And I can't take anymore
Tell me what you want from me or leave me alone
'Cause I'm all caught up and I'm losing control

I'm tired of holding on so tight
When you won't let me understand
Now I'm falling apart
I never meant to lose myself

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?
Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

Like drops of rain against my heart
Cut through like silver
And I want to make you feel that way
And I want to make you feel the way that I do

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?
Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I'm gonna start trying to keep track of my days. Looking for patterns in my moods.

That being said, today was a'ight. I laughed a lot again, today. Everything was funny for some reason.

I realize that probably sounds like that's new to me, although I know it's not. Sometimes I feel like everything is funny. Most of my memories from life before eighth grade are like that. We were always the loud lunch group, we were always yelling and laughing. We laughed so much. We were so funny, we were hilarious, we were a riot.
It kind of feels new, though, relative to the past couple of weeks. It always feels like it's been a while. I always say to myself, "This is the first time I've felt like this in a while." But it's probably rarely true, or at least the "while" isn't as long as I always think. Taking note in this blog, in this journal, ought to help me clear that up.

Status update, you and Clara still seem really down. It's actually more noticeable now that my heads a little clearer and I'm getting more sleep. Clara seems to be picking up a bit, albeit feeling under the weather. You don't.
Truth be told, I don't want to hear all about Logan and how bad she is, or all the people giving you a hard time and how. I will definitely listen if you ever want to pour it out to me. Definitely. But I'm mostly concerned with trying to make you feel better. Without being obtrusive, of course. For example, if it were me, if you went out and baked me a friggin' cake, I'd feel more guilty than better. I wouldn't want super extra attention. I don't know how to deal with this or make it better, but......I don't know, I just wish there was some way, in my power, I could help.

Another status update, this time on my thoughts. WARNING if you're sick of my love life complaints and rambles. I've been really good about not thinking about stuff like this since New Year's, honestly! But these thoughts are always hovering at the floor of my mind, waiting to be kicked up by the wind of a passerby. Certainly, last week. Certainly, today.
I never did make a physical list of "Boys That Would Make Superb Husbands". I don't really remember who's on it, besides Chris and Robbie. I added Abel, because, surely. Lauren too, most likely, I just never thought about it much because I don't know him that well and have zero chance with him ever.
That was not even what I was going to talk about. That was a defense mechanism to try to fool either me or le reader to believe that what I really wanted to talk about is not an obsession, is not constantly on my mind, is not haunting me and begging for attention. You can probably guess. I'm talking about Julian.

So I've realized, to try to say it in the simplest way, that Julian is the mistake that I will just keep on making. He's got a girlfriend and I'm still drawn to him like a magnet. He's not good for me at all, we don't even have much in common, and he can make me so mad, but I keep coming back, and I can't explain why. I know that I love him; can't that be enough? Can't I just be friends with the guy without wondering what he thinks of me, what it would be like to be with him, if we have a future, why do I feel the way I do?
It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I say Julian is the mistake I will continue to make, but on the other hand he is a mistake I never really made.
Because I am me, and this is how I am, I'm not going to push anything. I will not rock the boat, or break the status quo. Yet a part of me is just very afraid that he will remain in my life, a giant question mark over my years.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Surely I must have some sort of emotional amnesia.

A few days ago, and for several consecutive days, I was crying in the bathroom, crying in a practice room, crying just outside the cafeteria, crying in my sleep and in my dreams, thinking, believing, that nothing I could do, nothing I knew or loved, could possibly be worth the way that I felt.

Last night I went on a big ol' spiel about being depressed, or manically depressed.
This morning, I woke up neutrally. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, as I hadn't for a couple weeks, but today I had no motivation to keep myself in bed, so I got myself up, on time. Went to school. Brought a thermos of coffee. And just lived life.

I was breathing and functioning. I was stressing out about my math test. I was telling jokes and laughing.
Actually, I laughed a lot today. I laughed really hard.
And I left school early. I didn't go to the music room to chill out--what usually calms my nerves felt like a waste of time. I had too much to do. I drove myself home.

My mom was home. She bought me some snacks. I ate and watched TV. Whatever talk show was on, I don't even remember. And then I sat down and did homework and got distracted and of course lost myself somewhere in the process.

But the point is, I feel fine. I don't feel much at all. I'm okay.

And the truth is, I wouldn't mind feeling like this all the time. So easy. Nice.

i just realized this is not coherent at all

1. Once upon a time I had so much respect for you and then I got to know you over time through your actions and the way you voiced your opinions and fought for them and completely changed my mind about you. I feel bad for you, for being an insensitive artist. For being a beggar that doesn't give. For being a visionary without the resources to see things through. For having wide eyes, a closed mind, and an open mouth. Until you learn to adapt, you will forever want and never win. You're a self-righteous fool.

2. It freaks me out how closely I relate to people with actual mental health issues. It's always a subject that has fascinated me, and I would always try to find the traits of different disorders that fit me. I was a child like that. But lately people who have been battling things like anxiety and depression have been trying to explain what it's like, and considering my range of emotions affecting me the past school year, I've been able to relate more than ever before. The headaches, the stomachaches, the nervous habits, the shaking and the vertigo. The narcolepsy and lethargy. The apathy and anger. Insomnia. Bitterness. This time you can't try to tell me it's all in my head, or it's called "being a teenager". I've been a teenager for over five years now, and it's never been this bad. Yet, at the same time, it's not new. I've been exhibiting signs of manic depression since I was little.

No one wants to take me seriously. As a teenager, and as me, it's always just assumed that I'm looking for attention, or I'm trying to put in possible answers, reasons to blame for the way I feel. I'm being melodramatic, it's all in my head. It's a goddamn phase.

But I don't think it is. This is a legitimate concern. I'm not joking. It's actually getting in the way of my life.

Am I going to do anything about it? Absolutely not, probably the only people who can really help me are my parents, and they would surely be angry and/or disappointed that I would even think such things.

But I've been thinking a lot worse lately.

I want to be helped. I want to feel normal. It's just hard when I'm forced to pretend that I do.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm really sorry.










but I cannot do anything about it
because nothing I say or do or think really matters in the long run
because I am not a substantial life.

Why is everything so complicated?
Why does everything I am hurt everyone I love?
How long have I been doing everything wrong?

I just want to feel some sort of stablility

Everything's moving and everything's changing and I don't want to have to care about it. I want to wake up in a small apartment alone, sunlight streaming through the window. I want to get dressed and go to some school or workplace where I only know a few people that I don't have to spend all day with but can easily go have a coffee or lunch or dinner with without it being awkward or quotidian. I want to go home at night and maybe chat with some long-distance boyfriend or something that I only ever see once a month. Or otherwise shower, eat a TV dinner and some crackers, have a drink, and sleep off the day.

I want to get out of here, and away from these people that think they know me. The ones that stare and judge me but don't dare to talk to me. I'm untouchable. I'm to be looked at and pitied from afar.

I want to live my life as a ghost.
The only person I want to have to think about at the end of the day is myself.

I am the only thing that will never surprise me.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

She tried to convince me it wasn't a big deal

She said don't saying anything about it. It's silly, and I'd done nothing wrong.

But I feel like, if you think I did, then in your mind I did, and if I don't do something, it will never be right. It will sit there, and breed, into a prejudice that I can't afford.
You know those 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens? You know the one that says, "Relationships are like bank accounts" and you've gotta make deposits to keep it up? Well, I'm basically all out. Spent. I haven't been myself almost all year, and many of my relationships outside of my family have run dry. I'm a stranger to most, and I know it's all my fault.

If I'm reading way too much into this, ignore it. But if there really is something, please, talk to me.
I can't remember a time when I was mad at you for anything. We both know I'm of short temper and I get annoyed easily--the hypocrite of the world--but you've never done anything I could blame you for. I've done everything wrong, am doing everything wrong, and all you've ever done is encourage me and tell me I am loved.

I'm horrible at consoling others. I'm a terrible communicator. I typically only ever say as much as I want to, or else write it all down; therefore, on the flipside, when it's someone else, I don't ask questions. I let them say as much as they want to un-coerced. If they don't talk, I'll never know.

If you don't talk, I'll never know.

Something was obviously wrong today.

I'm not going to pry, and if you don't say anything, I won't ask.

But please...at least talk.

I don't want the only thing we say to each other to be, "Bye."

Monday, January 9, 2012

What I really wanna know

is why you broke up with your girlfriend after two weeks
kissed me literally three days later,
right before our two week holiday break
and then got back together with that girlfriend
a few days back in school.

Actually, I guess I'm just hoping you would have a good answer.

Maybe I wanna know if I mean anything to you at all.
Well, I must...right?

How many other girls do you try to pull this with?
Which of them actually care?

What am I to you?

The Bachelor is on TV behind me.

So I'm passively listening while I do my homework, and occasionally turn around to see. What I gather is that he's on one of his first dates with this girl, and they seem like they're having a really good time without being hella tacky, and I turn around......and they kiss. Okay, it's not a big inappropriate kiss, but it reminded me how much it irks me to see stuff like that.

Okay, yeah, lately, the PDA, cuddly/kissy stuff has been hard to stomach at school--"lately" applying to this year. But that's not even what I mean.

I mean, the fact that he's going to be dating x many girls at the same time, and kissing all of them like that, and some of them more.
What I saw was a simple little kiss. Soft, a little shy. Really nothing that should bother any onlooker.

But I've had that kind of kiss before.

And you know what? I don't like the idea of having to share that kiss with other people.