Friends don't break up with friends.

Although I should know better than anyone that’s not true. A friendship is a commitment, just like a romantic relationship. And it can be broken. I’ve done it before, and I guess what goes around comes around.

I just didn’t expect it from you.

You’d think we’d be able to “work it out”, but it’s hard to work out something with someone when you’re not talking.
It’s been so long since we’ve really talked.
No one else seems to notice the change. Does this mean you’re just starting to treat me like everyone else? I didn’t realize this is who you really are. To me, you were always sensitive, perceptive, gentle, understanding…above all, caring. Yet the boy I knew has only showed himself once in the past month and a half, in a rare moment when we were together, and alone. Now the boy I see only ever answers anything with a “Fuck you, bitch.” And proceeds to pursue interaction with someone, anyone, else.
I realize you’re probably joking…but I thought you would’ve noticed I’ve never laughed. Not once.
I can just imagine what you think of me. Taking things too seriously, maybe? Can’t take a joke? I might even be being immature. So what, the mature thing to do is to shrug it off?

I think the truth is, I just can’t stand being treated this way. Especially not by you.

You know, I started off this post thinking he was breaking it off with me. I mean, he keeps pushing me away. I’ve tried to talk to him, and he’ll be receptive in an E-mail, but still rejects me in person, and around other people. I really don’t know how to read that. Does he want me around, or not?
Regardless, he certainly isn’t communicating as though he still wants me in his life. And I can’t handle being thrown back every time I approach. Actually, I’m sick of it. And yes, it fucking hurts.

So now that my thoughts are sorted into words, it looks like I’m the one leaving. But you know, it’s probably better this way, because God knows I don’t shut the door behind me. If he still wants to be friends, he’ll know where to find me.

Yeah, I'll admit: I've been avoiding talking about this. I've been avoiding the topic, avoiding the thoughts, avoiding making a decision--though truth be told, I think this decision's been made, for a while now...just never set in stone. So this is my distress call, this is me tearing out this piece of my heart and making its imprint in concrete. This is me making a decision.
I don’t know, some things you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs, off the top of a building, as if somehow by telling it to the world, it makes it more official. Like you won’t go back on your word. Like I won’t text him as soon as I’m done with this. Like I won’t try to talk to him again tomorrow. Like I won’t keep putting myself through the same bullshit every day.

As cheesy as it is, I literally thought we had something “special”. Based on evidence of how it was and how it is now, I’m inclined to continue believing that we did. Did: past tense. But that has gone and died, now, and it’s time to move forward.

I’ve gotta get out of here.

An eventful morning

As much as I'm allergic to cute couples and related obscenities,
I can take sweetness from him.

Even when it's overwhelming, and he's(/we're) being ridiculous and lovesick, when it's cheesy as fuck,
well, I mean, it just doesn't seem nearly as cheesy, and is really quite tolerable.
And it's arguably the first time it's been that bad, with us. We're pretty chill, I think, pretty in control. At least, when we're talking to each other.
Me, on this blog, that's a different story. I say everything here that I don't say to him or anyone else. This is where all my excess fluff and other bullshit filters out.

Anyway...
Damn. Just reading what he sent to me make something in me do flips, and I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or a little of both because it still blows me away that this is him, this is the same little boy I took in in eighth grade, this is Daniel, and he feels this way about me, and he thinks the world of me (despite experiencing pretty much every ridiculous absurd uncensored Mona under the sun), and this is real.

It's just so much more sincere, genuine, from him than anyone else. Like I actually intrigue him, like I'm special.
Like we passed right over that initial, "Oh wow, we're in love, we've been dating for like a day, omg let's get married" stupid barf magic that happens at the beginning of most relationships and dies in a month or so, and went straight into just being a part of each other's lives, and being aware of it, and adjusting to the sudden but not very dramatic change.

I don't know how else to explain it. I guess this is just what it's like when you realize this is how you really feel about someone you've actually been close to for a few years in advance, and not just the couple of months before you start dating. Like, this is what it's like when you start something more--this kind of relationship--with one of your best friends.

It's interesting and exciting and fresh, and comfortable and familiar and safe, all at the same time.

I'm just waiting for June to roll around.

Counting down, counting down, counting down

The best parts of my days are the nights.

    [9:08:15 PM] Daniel: :M

    [9:08:23 PM] Daniel: ^sigma face

    [9:08:37 PM] Me: SIGMA NOTATION

    [9:08:42 PM] Me: I THINK I GET IT
    not 100% though

    [9:09:04 PM] Daniel: just a dude with a sigma for a mouth

    [9:09:13 PM] Daniel: would make for some odd kissing

    [9:09:37 PM] Me: I'm not witty or knowledgable enough to come up with something punny related to the Greek alphabet

    [9:09:50 PM] Me: but let's pretend I am and just said something astounding and hilarious

    [9:10:07 PM] Me: LOL I AM A SMART MOUTH

    [9:10:49 PM] Daniel: haha . . pun . . .

    [9:10:57 PM] Daniel: 'smart' mouth

    [9:11:01 PM] Me: teehee

    [9:11:12 PM] Daniel: you're an alpha mind for sure

    [9:11:33 PM] Daniel: take THAT

    [9:11:36 PM] Me: I like you!

    [9:11:49 PM] Daniel: I like mew too!

    [9:12:00 PM] Me: YOU TRYNA FIGHT ME

    [9:12:11 PM] Me: SACURITY!

    [9:12:35 PM] Daniel: If I was trying to fight you, I'd have to protect my tau's from your high-heels

    [9:12:50 PM] Me: tau

    [9:12:52 PM] Me: tau

    [9:13:14 PM] Daniel: it sounds similiar to toe :N

    [9:13:18 PM] Me: my heels would've delta powerful blow

    [9:13:25 PM] Daniel: I LOVE YOU


On another note, I had a lazy day today. Excited about getting a schmancy new phone for graduation, though. Samsung Rant, you have served me well these past 3-4 years. But it's time for an upgrade.

Better finish up that assignment that was due last Wednesday LOL. And start my Lit final.

Yesterday

was an amazing day.

I met five brilliant, beautiful artists from around the tri-county area. Muriel and Maria were sweet, and Cynthia was adorable. Hannah was aggressive, but harmless and even friendly. Katelyn was the real intimidator, and I didn't speak a word to her. I don't think any of us did. She's the salutatorian at West Port, and an avid painter. She was dressed sharply and quirky, kept to herself, and was the first to leave.

Palooza was insane. So it sucks that 80% of the things in which I participate somehow flop. Little Lion Man could've been incredible hadn't all those things happened (such as my mic being off, the piano glitching, and the equipment crashing to the ground). It was still exciting though, from what I could hear from the gazebo (I couldn't see a thing). At least Lauren's act was cute, and mad fun. Just goes to show, the more you get into it, the better it turns out, eh?

Getting rained out was a blessing in disguise, because I can't remember the last time I had that much fun after a show. I'm not sure I ever have. Not going into much detail, but with all the equipment in the band room and everyone leaving, the boys plugged their shit back in and we all rocked out. Hard. Jonah had already set up the drum set the minute all the parts were in, Robbie grabbed his guitar, Stephen took bass and Blair hooked up the mic. We shot through Melrose Diner, Sugar We're Goin' Down, and godfuckingdamn American Idiot, and it was electric and loud and fast and exhilarating and my heart starts pumping even just a little just remembering how amazing it felt to be in that room freaking out and not giving a shit. I saw the way Robbie grinned when I lost it at the mic, and for once I felt like I belonged up there. Seeing my sisters, Tara and Kaylee, cheering me on, that made it even better. Mr. Riddle watched from his office behind the closed door.
This, I'll miss, these people, this music, those moments, alone.
"Alone" meaning the plugged in rehearsals in the band room when Riddle lets us do whatever the fuck we want.
This time, we just had an audience. But it didn't stop us from connecting.

The traditional Steak and Shake trip was well worth it (but Rachel, we missed you!)
I miss the hell out of Robert, although I have no idea how to show it. I can't believe he'll be leaving soon, and won't be back for two years at least. But it was a good night of bonding, what with how comfortable Kaylee and I are around each other, which made it less awkward for Branden and Robert, with whom at least I'm not perfectly comfortable. We spoke freely and laughed and talked about childhood, books, life.

And if I'm being honest, I'll admit, Julian was a big part of the night, albeit not being around the entire time. He set his stakes in the ground, enough to make his mark.
Maybe he will be the biggest question mark of my high school years, but I'm happy now and I don't regret a thing. I'm not looking back. I'm glad I can still trust him and talk to him, though, unlike any other boy I've so much as touched.

-----------------------------------

Daniel and I had a misunderstanding last night. Or maybe it was perfectly understood, but still a conflict?
I realize how much I can't handle aggression. I laugh about it, rage and tantrums, randomly throwing things across the room. But punching a hole in the door crosses into "violent". I didn't think much of it at first, but when he started joking about it, it set me off unexpectedly.

Anyway, the point of the story, is that: I didn't outright tell him he was wrong. It's not my place to push it, I  already told him what I thought, and he rebutted, and that was that. But he could tell something was up.
And he apologized.
And he didn't just apologize, he reiterated what (he thought) he had done wrong (and he was right).

And he said he loves me, and wouldn't let anything hinder that.

I understand, love is a heavy word. But when it comes from him....the way he always pauses before he uses it, the way his voice changes ever so slightly, like he's putting real weight into the word....it makes me want to believe him.

After all, didn't he put up with four years of me actually being myself around him, move away for 8 (going on 9) months now, and still wants to be with me?

I think I might've lucked out, he's definitely something special.

My scalp is suffering.

Guess I'm really stressed out.

And it persists.

The Sadness.
I can have a perfectly normal, fine, good day, what have you. But then I go home.
And I look in the mirror.
And I see my eyes, round and empty. Nothing in my face is smiling.
And how long have my eyebrows been tensed up like that, in frowns of disappointment or frustration or defeat?

I breathe heavy. I sigh a lot.
And I frown.

But it was otherwise a good day.
There were so many good things about today.
Like music, and art. My solo, the University of Tampa concert, Grimm.
Talked to Daniel for 5 minutes. Mathematically, that's about 3% the amount of time we usually talk, but with the way I am feeling, it was plenty. Enough to lift my heart for about 5 minutes.

Before it sinks down again, somewhere in my chest, beating hollowly away.

I need to schedule my cardiology appointment.

I need to get some sleep.

And why not tonight? Since I've nothing else to do but wallow in my own unexplainable unhappiness.




My body needs reprieve.

It's so late but I have too much to do to sleep yet.

"I'm a cherry. I'm a wild cherry--" *abruptly turns around and starts dancing* "--PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY."

I'm not sure he understands most of what comes out of his mouth at times like these.

Also I got him to read several of the top 25 Damn You Autocorrects out loud.
Getting Daniel to say obscenities I think counts for some serious points.

I only got one "fuck" out of him, but he did allow me some "dicks" and "pussies", which is especially impressive, isn't it? It's so offensive! And the words came out of his mouth, in his voice! It was outrageous and hilarious, and he was embarrassed because he'd always catch it just a little late, he'd already started reading it out loud and couldn't just stop there. So funny.

God, I love this boy.

Putting away scholarship, unfinished. Time to math.

GOD, MY BOYFRIEND IS CUTE

*slain*

Sorry, just having one of those moments.
Also, I just Kafka'd him to sleep.

No really,
he was really tired
so I literally read Metamorphosis--from the beginning!--out loud, until he fell asleep.



...He is so damn cute.

What I Talked About: Leadership, team building, and watching the program grow

What I Should Have Talked About:
Finding my voice, my confidence, and the ability to trust myself.

But for all I talk about myself all the time, all the menial shit that no one cares about,
I can't seem to talk about what matters, what makes me significant in this life, in this body, what really counts and what I want people to remember and know and learn from for themselves,
when I am asked.

A problem of mine is having so much to give,
and no way to give it.

My heart is forever alienated from the outside, and there is barely a connection between me and anyone and anything around me. There is one, but it's coated in superficiality and the forced tradition of trying to keep up a conversation that loses all meaning the second it's over.

There are a handful of people who have known me long enough, well enough, deep enough, to be exceptions.
And that's really all one needs, isn't it? Just a handful of close friends.

I suppose I just wish I could convey myself better to the world,
or teach them the things I know,
help them to see things the way I see them.

I suppose maybe that's why I'm an artist.
I suppose maybe that's why I'm never satisfied with the work I do.

I suppose that's why I overcompensate for everything.

I suppose that's why I'm so tired.

He's trying to plug in his laptop frantically before it dies...

"Aw, why can't I find the hole? I'm a man, I should be able to find the hole!"

Won't Say I'm In Love

But with the way I'm feeling, it's hard to tell what this is.

But I have to remember nothing has changed.

That's a lie. It feels like everything's changed. For the better, too.

But much of it is an illusion, or at least intangible.
I'm not saying what's happened or is happening isn't real.

But there are some things that are left untouched, that are still affecting me.

Such as the Sadness.

I was kind of wondering when it'd pop in again.
The past two days have been altogether bleh. Not very good.
Not bad, of course, and actually had many good moments (obviously, if my last post says anything about it).

But they typically end in the same unfeeling or even slightly melancholy state.

Of course, talking to Daniel makes it better.

But if I'm being honest, and sticking to why I've been at all dedicated to this blog, I have to take note of the general feeling that lingers in the peripheries of my mind. That is the familiar Sadness.

It's not terrible, or overwhelming. It's actually just at bay, subdued by the incredible Happiness that's been taking over lately. But I can't deny that it's still there.

There is no cause, no reason, no excuse, it just is, and it is just there.

Oh, yes, I can deal with it. I just needed to make note of it.

My paper's going kind of well, let me just take a break and blog a bit.

Dear Rachel,
Whenever good stuff happens, like when life looks bright, I think of you, and I guess I kind of attribute it to you. You've always kept me safe, sane, and close. I know, I drift a lot, but you reel me back into reality and into the bright side of things. You're really a blessing in my life, and I love you.
Btw, Grace and I were talking about getting together with you sometime. There's this hilarious TV show we both used to watch, and we were like "WE SHOULD MARATHON THIS." It won't be too soon, since she's just finishing Grease and we've got all these performances and end of the year stuff boiling down, but whenever the time comes, hope you're ready! ;D

------------

Suddenly having a boyfriend is always the trump card of distraction. You don't even have to be talking to him or with him to be completely distracted by him.
But I'm not letting myself get away with this, I can't get too excited or addicted. I need to savor it, I know, I'm taking it slow.

I don't even know what to say about him. I really just wanted to talk about him. He's always somewhere on my mind. He makes me laugh...a lot. Without being embarrassing. It's really amazing. He's dorky, and charming, and has the ability to be romantic but doesn't overdo it. He's open about his feelings and himself without being overwhelming. It's never awkward to talk to him, except when it's funny or intentional. The only boys I can think of around whom I'm ever this comfortable are Jon, Abel, and my brother...all of whom are pretty much if not actually family.

I love the outrageously corny jokes, puns and word plays he makes. I love the fact that we actually like/love/obsess about a lot of the same stuff--and we didn't even know it! I love that his parents like me, as though they know me. (Btw, Mr. Schaub > grilled cheese. You have no idea.) I love the way we interact, when he throws out his absurd what-ifs and I humor him with why they can or can't work, and he doesn't get mad when I disprove what he says, but instead builds on it and we create these ridiculous scenarios that couldn't possibly happen--but could they? I love the way he tells stories, and the cadence of his voice. I am endlessly entertained by how excited he is to "be a man"--being over 6ft tall, his voice dropping, being able to drive, having a girlfriend. I loved the first time he referred to me as his girlfriend. And that time he said, "That's my girl." And the way he says "darling", which is somehow not as corny or cartoonish as one would expect. It's actually...it's nice. Really.

I just love him. He makes me incredibly happy, happier than I'd ever given him credit for before.

I can't say I wish this had happened sooner, even though I know it could have, if either of us had said anything. I just feel like, now is finally the right time. Like I'm doing something right.
And it is right, and it's real, and it matters.

"Lights Out."

"It's time for...Lights...Out," he said dramatically in a deep voice, as he turned off the lights on his end, save for the monitor. I giggled, tapping the lamp on my end. We could only see each other by the light of our computer screens.

I gathered the blanket around me, put my head on my knees and waited. Rectangles of light reflected in his glasses.
"Tonight's episode," he began, and I could just make out his mouth moving, "is about...the Chicken Heart."
I squealed in mock fright and anticipation, like usual. How was he going to change it up this time?

"The chicken heart was kept alive. It was frozen in a cryogenic chamber, in a special solution, until he was released by a clumsy janitor.
The chicken heart melted..."

Wait, the chicken heart didn't melt.

"It melted...and it melted...and it kept melting...into a liquid."

Where's he going with this? This is new!
I couldn't stop smiling.

"It managed to leap into the refrigerator...which was then shipped to your very own state."

It's in my state! It's in my city! It's at my door! He's gonna say it!

"It's in your state. It's in....your local refrigerator store. .....It's in the refrigerator that you bought."

WHAT.

"It got into the water...it's in the water that you're drinking RIGHT NOW."

I squirmed. "That's not fair! Oh, that's not fair! I forgot about that!" He laughed, and I laughed.
He had been trying to get that chicken heart into my water, but was never sure where my water had come from until I told him it was from the refrigerator. And I had just been drinking my water!

"Your heart monitor," he continued, "isn't monitoring only your heart."

I widened my eyes, expecting him to make the creepy thump-thump sound of the rogue chicken heart.

A moment of silence in the dark. And then...

"A bok-bok bok," came surprisingly convincing chicken noises from his end.
I laughed out loud, stifling it to absurd almost painful giggles trying to minimize my obnoxiousness for my sister and grandma in the other room. We turned the lights back on on both ends of the conversation.

"Okay, okay, you win."

He just laughed gently, and we were quiet again.

Green, gold, and bovine forever

So if I can double-major in music, I'll be fine. I can settle. I'll be good. If I can double-major in music, I'll be golden.
If not......I guess I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. The Harold Schartz scholarship is a big deal....but it's not the main thing I should be focused on. I really need to relax, I guess.

The school, USF, it's really not so bad. It's pretty. My allergies weren't going haywire. It's relatively clean. The people I've met so far are nice. Even just passing students who could tell we were touring were welcoming. "Have a great day at USF!" "Welcome to USF!" "Hope you love it here!"
Not only is it similar to VHS in colors and mascot, but the drive is really not so bad. The St. Petersburg area is really nice. Michael Johnson might be (will probably be) transferring in. Etc.

Yeah, the point is, I can see this.


So it just took me probably about 2 hours just to write this up. Why? Well, let me tell you why. In another post.

The short end of every straw.

Just when you think everything is going swell, everything is all right, everything is amazing and beautiful and happy, falling into place

you realize you were really just distracted,
ironically, by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Isn't that what you're supposed to look at?

I guess not, when you're blindsided full force by the reality that nothing you wanted before this year can be yours.
It all boils down to me, doesn't it? Am I really that insufficient? This is an all-time low, this is a fresh new level of "not good enough" that I have somehow managed to reach.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm not sure there's anything I can do.

Just gotta keep telling myself, God has a plan.

That's what I'm supposed to do, right?
I'm supposed to trust God, because he has a plan.

There's a fucking reason everything I'd built my plans on has fallen apart.
It's gotta be because something else is waiting for me.

And I'll believe that. I want to believe it.

Doesn't mean my heart isn't still breaking.
Doesn't mean I feel it any less.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.

I suspect I'll be fine, I'll adapt, I'll thrive--I always do, given time.

But if it keeps hammering me with every step I take, I start to wonder if maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. That can't be true, though. I've gotta be making the right choices, if only for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong choices for the right reasons?
I'm doing what's best for me........for now? Long-term?

If I'll never know, I should just stop worrying about it, huh?

God. Dammit.

30 minute power nap

the late nights that hate you in the morning
but that you don't regret, and you can't give up

"The love of my life"

"*LOL* Are we there already? Have we reached that point?"

"Oh! I suppose not. I can't say that yet, or it'll just all be downhill from here."

----------

"Also, I am slightly in love with you."

"The feeling is mutual. It's...very mutual."

Countdown

10 more days of this heart monitor shit.

53 more days of this high school shit.

62 more days of this waiting-for-Daniel-to-come-home shit.

I have so much to look forward to, I actually don't mind waiting--so long as I know it's coming. It's happening. This is real.

And I can't believe how real this feels.

It's...nice.
It's really nice.
Unbelievably nice.

Amazing, even.

It's a little unfair.

But I shouldn't hate a school just because I'm indefinitely angry at someone I know who is probably going there. I don't need to tell him anyway.

But it's still unfair. Health concerns are suddenly the new reason for me to stay close to home?

I guess it makes sense.

Doesn't make it fair.

I don't know what these medical terms mean.
Looking them up myself just results in a lot of people concerned over the same things, everyone being paranoid, "omg we're all gonna die" type of stuff.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

Yesterday was amazing, up until the very last minute.
Did I upset you?
Please talk to me tonight.
I want to clear this up, here and now.

I'm not losing you, too.

I can't.

That's just it then, isn't it? The realization, the certification, the second foot through the door.

I can't lose you.

"She's so pretty!"

"She's very pretty," he said enthusiastically...then added immediately, "The dog is nice too."

When did little Daniel grow up?