The Daily Commute

Listened to Childish Gambino on the way to school.




Listened to Puccini on the way back.





Guys, I'm fucking classy, aye.

ALSO, one more thing!

I turned in my portfolio today.
I didn't add anything to it before I submitted it, like I'd said I would.
Because I don't have time.
And right now, I really just don't care.

I don't care about this math homework. I don't care about that AP homework. I don't care about that chemistry lab. I don't care, I don't care.
I don't care about this portfolio.
I have no idea if I'll get in.
I'm not going.

I can't.
I can't not take music.
Not after Saturday, at solo & ensemble. Not anymore.

Everything Jane Rabe-meyer said to me had so much weight to it. So, much, weight.

I might actually be good enough to do something with my voice, with music.
This could be my "calling", or whatever, this could be what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life.
Surely, I wouldn't mind it.
Choir is already my job, it's where I put my first priorities, it's what I love to do and will do even when I have other work to be done.

Maybe this is it.




......Too bad I missed all the FSU School of Music auditions.
The last one was last Saturday.

Oh well. We'll see what happens, what I can do.

He says I'm crazy...and he sounds like he means it.

I often wonder if I'm ruining everything I have going for me simply by not being able to control myself and my outrageous mood swings.

Anyway, they're so tiring.

My emotions are going haywire.

I don't see how it's reasonable to go from having a "fuck this" day to a good day to a shitty day to a hilarious day to shit to shittier to shittiest and downhill from there. What the fuck is going on.

I can't look at myself in the mirror.
Nothing feels real.

Sometimes I just hate myself. And I hate everything else. It feels like my hate for myself is being emitted from my body as hostility toward everyone else, and it is then reflected back to me as hatred of myself, from everything and everyone around me. Giving me the impression that everyone hates me just as much as I do.

I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.






Yet there are still things that make me happy.......or at least calm me the fuck down.
Like...being with/talking to Jack. Something about him is soothing to me.
Sitting alone in a hallway, or outside by the tree was gentle, calming.
Collapsing into the big comfy recliner in the big spacious living room before my mom realized I was home, so it was so still and quiet in the house.
And texting Daniel.

Today when everything set me off, these things calmed me down.

I need to get my head on straight.

I'm a fool. I'm an idiot, and I'm not good enough.
I'm not talking about school work. I'm talking about being a person. I'm terrible at it.
I have to be better. And I know how, I just have to keep working on it.
I need to try harder.

Priorities, priorities.

Nothing to report today.

I wasted a lot of time.

I did watch a lot of Take Away Shows by La Blogotheque. So good. Local Natives, Phoenix, Grizzly Bears, Arcade Fire, yes yes yes yes yes.

Looking at my phone, today I texted (/was texted by and responded to) Natalie Borrowman, Chris Tripp, Julian De Sevilla, Daniel Schaub, and Jack Little.
Cool.

Learning Dress and Tie. It's cute.

Need to work on portfolio, it's due Thursday. I mean, if necessary I can turn it in right now, but I'd like a couple more sketches/speed paintings...

Helter Skelter.

So today, was...um...............indulgent. In several ways.

First things first: I got a Superior rating at solo & ensemble. As an ironic followup to last year, my judge was really impressed with my Italian. Pluses err'where, yo. My English piece was kind of sad, I started out way quiet and weak, and she noticed. I had to work my way up to full voice, and she made a note of it, how we didn't hear it until the second page. But she did say once I opened up, I had a beautiful voice and beautiful tone. She was very impressed with me on the whole, which makes me incredibly happy. This adjudicator was very brisk and businesslike, so everything she said to me was not only appreciated but awed me as well. She complimented the way I dressed on my score sheet, saying I looked professional and confident. She was impressed that I came to talk to her at the end, saying that I showed initiative. She was surprised that I wasn't taking vocal lessons, and told me to never stop singing, that I could "really have fun with it", meaning, I'm assuming, that I could go far with singing. And I was so happy, and maybe even proud. I'm usually slow to realize pride; pride in myself is typically an unusual emotion, because I usually detach myself from any personal credit. But as a soloist, there's nowhere else to pin the credit, so I may have been proud of myself. I felt great, that was for sure. And I wanted the superior. I felt I did well enough to let myself want that superior rating. After that, I would've been crushed had I not gotten it.
"Wanting" is such dangerous territory.

Haley is an awesome person. She's funny, she's independent, she's comfortable in her skin, and has passion for what she loves. Some people might have a problem with her, but as someone whose friendship with her is more professional than personal, I have only respect for her, her naturalness and ability (even tendency) to look out for herself.
Devin has got it all wrong. He doesn't get it. "You need to be arrogant," "You need to be mean," "That's how they get to where they are"? How about more like, you have to be confident, and persistent. Adamant, even. And above all, good at what you do. Sometimes people who make it big are arrogant and cocky, but that's not the reason they made it big. They didn't let themselves get pushed around, and they pulled their own weight.
Augh, I guess I'm just still kind of shocked that he would say something like "You need to be arrogant." There are so many things wrong with that. I don't even know what else to say.

I love Natalie Borrowman. Haley and I openly fangirled about her all day, and everyone went home still singing You've Got Possibilities. I don't even have anything new to say about her, I could go on and on with empty words that don't come close to describing how I feel about this girl. "Love" is the closest I get, so "love" it is.
I just love Natalie. She's a brilliant human being, and a brilliant friend.

Adrian. I'm sorry, Adrian, I never give you enough credit. I never give you enough time in the day, for everything you've done for me. It's not a lot, time-wise, since we don't spend all that much time together. But you've done so much for me as a person. You are always there, being kind and making people smile. Sure, there are times you can be a child, you can be sour and crude and unpleasant, but when it comes to your friends, you're really a sweetheart. And I'm happy to have gotten to know you these past four years.

Erin. God, I'm so sorry Erin, I'm so stupid. I'm so terrible at talking to distraught people and trying to make them feel better. All day you've just been in this trance, and I went to say goodbye to you and you were crying. Was it the first time you cried all day? You held up, all day. You were strong. I understand, you're confused and at a total loss. And I have no idea how to help you, though I wish I could.
What's worse, I most likely would make it worse, if I tried to help.

Because.

Jack.
I don't even know what to say here.
I save some of your emails. I flag them, to mark them as important. Like the first ones we exchanged, the ones where I said

"Hey Jack. Don't make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better. Remember, to let her into your heart. Then you can start to make is better."

 and you said

"Dear Mona, won't you come out to play? Dear Mona, greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Mona, won't you come out to play?"

And especially the one where I had been having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and you told me you were worried about me. That you cared about me, and that I was one of your best friends.
I remember when we sang at graduation, and went inside. Shortly after, we were supposed to go back outside to watch the band, and the rest of the graduation, but we, just the two of us, were left alone in the music room, to have a little heart-to-heart. Something that somehow became kind of our thing, our way of communicating.

I was worried about you today, Jack. Yesterday, you would barely meet my eyes. You wouldn't look at anybody. You shook when you sang. You couldn't crack a smile. You barely spoke above a whisper.
I wanted you to have a good day today. And I know you did, and I did too.
Today, you looked me in the eyes, and could match my gaze, even hold me there. Today, you sang out, and sang with me. You cracked jokes, jammed out on the bus, smiled, and laughed. We poked fun at each other in our seats. You held my hand for a lot of the bus ride home, and even put your arm around me once.

Yesterday, the discussions among Mr. Riddle, Wesley, and whoever else in the music room and in Riddle's office. They mentioned this code, this kind of code of conduct. It works both ways for both genders, but the idea was of this rule of relationships where a boy is not allowed to talk to other girls about his relationship with a girl. It breaks the code, it's not fair to the people dating, and it usually ends badly. Apparently.
Is that what happened with you and Erin? Was it too much, that you would talk to me about your relationship? Was she on edge because she was suspicious of me? Were you getting anxious with her because of your relationship with me?

I got home not knowing what to think or feel. Between you leaving and me leaving, was when I caught Erin crying. I think everything happening all around the same time just really sent my head and my heart for a spin.
I put on my music in the car, first to A Whole New World. Then, to Across the Universe on shuffle.
What came on? Something, I Want To Hold Your Hand, Helter Skelter, Strawberry Fields Forever, and With A Little Help From My Friends.
Really, Zune? You're gonna do this to me, reflect on everything going through my mind, without me even asking you? This brings back my own quote, of "Sometimes, music is therapy. Sometimes, shuffle is God talking."

But you know what? I'm not going to over-analyze this. (No, I haven't already, just because I wrote it all down.) I love you, Jack. Whatever happens or doesn't happen from now on, won't happen for wrong reasons.  I'm gonna let time, and/or you, take the wheel on this one.
Because I'm tired of ruining things, like my friendships and my relationships, with my thinking, and over-thinking. However things turn out, I'll go with the flow. Because I'm sure I won't mind it either way. And who knows? Something really good might come out of it.

...What am I saying? It's just us. Something really good has already come out of it.
You're one of my best friends, too, Jack, and I don't want to lose that. Ever.

This post is long. As usual. I am not surprised.
I am kind of surprised you read all of these, Rachel. Are you learning to read faster? Or were you already a fast reader beforehand?
I'm too tired to proof this. Plus, I don't think it matters that much. I said what I needed to say, or at least remembered. I've got 4 chapters of AP to do in the morning, and 11 lessons in math to review, including the 5ish that I didn't actually get the hang of before we moved on. I think this is an appropriate place to say,

Goodnight, all.

FUCK SHIT DAMN MY EMOTIONS

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING RIGHT NOW

That people post I said I'd do

This was all written last night/in my last post, and I cut it out and pasted it here

Let's start with my boys.

• Pedro is a fun, talented, cool dude. As are them all.
• I'm so comfortable around Seth, and he's so nice to me. That's all I really have to say about him.
• But Jonah, he...is...amazing. He's hella cute, he's funny and easygoing, he's awfully polite...I'm always nervous talking to him about certain things, like asking if he'll back me up on a song or something, or if I have to confirm different acts with him (like the whole mess of the last cafe), and he's so cool with it. The entire time I was like "OMG sorry for bothering you, so sorry!!!" and the entire time, he was like, "You really don't have to be sorry, it's cool :)", and that makes all the world of difference to me. AND he accepts my affection! He's not weird about hugs, or my annoying...ness. And my expressions of love, which I have so much to give when it is attached to my respect.

Respect, to me, is everything, it is the thing. And when someone has it, love (adoration) comes with it.
People talk about people who throw the word love around like it's nothing. Or who are careless with love. I like to think I'm not one of those people, at least not fully. Because I really do have a lot of love, different kinds of love that I sort out and dote upon the people I know based on what they bring out in me. And when these people make me happy and want to be happy, make me want to live, and do well and be better.........well, I love them all that much.

• Which brings me to fuckin' Robbie Houston. He's a brilliant friend. I wouldn't even say we're that close; I rarely feel like I can honestly say that with any of these guys. But I can tell...he's a brilliant friend. He's totally grounded and realistic, but the difference with him is that his reality expands so much further than the average person. With him, "possibilities" mean so much more. They're not just maybes or ifs; they're solid, they're real, and there's a lot of them. He's passionate and smart, he knows what makes him happy and submerses himself in it, and he shares it with me, and the people around him.

Part of me hopes he goes really far in life, you know, does really well for himself, goes out and does big things.
But all of me really just hopes he is happy, that he continues to be happy, and chase his dreams, do and get what he wants, big things or small. Whatever makes him happy.

----------------------------------------

Hey, so apparently a lot of relationships are "on the rocks" or whatever right now...? I don't know what to make of it. Part of me is being the optimistic pessimist, thinking, I know it's dark to think it's good that this is happening, but at the same time I have this deeply rooted mindset about this year being senior year, and that it's better it's happening now than later, you know?
And then part of me has been somewhat humanized without me realizing, over time. You know how I said I sadly and without provocation think it's funny when relationships don't work out?
Well, maybe that was just a mood I was in, because it's gone now. I mean, there's that pessimist, but there's a general respect about the whole idea of relationships.


Haha, you know I have respect for people who do things that I can't. BA DUM, TSHH.
Get it? Because, I cannot, relationship? Yeh, u kno.


The point of this tangent is that...it's alarming to me, and kind of sad. Probably not the same way it is to other people, more understanding people, normal people.........but at least the feeling is there. I'm trying to be better, more respectful, more understanding.


And I'm not trying to make a move on anybody. And yeah, it kind of does piss me off when Mr. Riddle or Wesley make remarks to me about Chris. I know, I know, it's really obvious that I adore him. And you know what, I do have a crush on him. But it's just a crush.
I think the surge of infatuation I've had for the past week was just an inflation of said crush due to his gentleman-liness, and the fact that he's taking me to the Zelda symphony (OMGGGGG).
Could I listen to his golden voice for the rest of my life? Sure. Doesn't mean I want to go after him.


Jack. And Erin.
...........ssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhh. I don't know what to do with him.
His relationship stuff is only my business to the extent that he allows it. I'm just talking about him, right now. As one of my best friends, it's really hurting me to see him beating himself up like this. Again.
I might need to pay careful attention to him for a while.
And I do kind of care what Erin thinks of it. But that's not gonna stop me. I need to be there for Jack, as long as he needs me. If he doesn't, well, I'll back off.


------------------------------------------------


OKAY SO YEAH, I wrote this all yesterday, and I think I had more to add to it, but jfc why in the world would I even think that I'd be able to continue this after today????

Today deserves, like, 9000 posts all on its own, especially the last bits of it. (Especially considering that I was the last to go on.)

Will discuss more after dinner. It may take all night. I have a lot of feelings throwing themselves at each other and need to vent. And where better to, than my own blog? Eh?

asdfghjkl; ugh. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Just when I was getting the hang of posting everyday

How long's it been, two days? FAIL.

ERRTHING I DO
I DO IT BIIIIIG *shotdownomg*

Today was............indescribable. In the best way possible. Today was unreal.

Woke up hella late for school and didn't really care. It was one of those "I'm so late, it doesn't even matter if I hurry." I only panicked a little when I realized if I didn't show up for first period, Robbie might freak out LOL awwww baby.

Second period was fly. I was way excited, I couldn't stay still. And I got to talk to the kids in my class, like Wesley and Adrian and Lauren, and teacher sir Mr. Riddle.

 TODAY, Lauren said I was perfect.
^ THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME. ^ I have no idea why what he thinks of me is important
and you know what? He was probably just saying it. Because Adrian fuckin put him on the spot to say it.
But at the same time, something about his character makes me want to believe that he means what he says.
And something about the way he said it, lightly, and with this smile on his face...I just, I didn't know what to do with myself.
I was so shocked too. I instantly rejected him, just out of pure shock. I actually responded with, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
It reminds me of that first time that girl next to me in the tiny tiny eighth grade after school choir stopped in the middle of the music, turned to the teacher and said, about me, "She is REALLY GOOD."

Ugh, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Choir, my rehearsal went really well, I think. I mean, it wasn't perfect, but it was the best I'd done to that point.

Math, UH, WINNING.

Lunch was fly as well, I practiced and did well. My voice has been revved up all day! Singing (gently) along to Fall Out Boy in the car on the way to school seemed to have done me well LOL. Best warm-up ever.

Got shit done today in chem, and did not fawn over Chris. I left him very much alone. Uh, success much? I think so!
I really just don't want to weird him out. I'm not even going to date him, so why make things weird between us? That said, my big goal is to stop telling him I love him. I was doing really well, up until he bought those damn tickets. I HAD TO EXPRESS MY LOVE, AUGH.
Dese boys do not accept my affection :O

Actually, my boys do.
I think I'll write a separate post, just about people. I'll do that. Mostly because I already did, but want to get through my day, so I cut it out of this post. I'll put it in a new one, just about people LOL.

Music Appreciation was awesome. It started out with really bad anxiety, the nerves were kicking in and kicking hard. I talked more with Wesley and Mr. Riddle. I like our chill talks. Yeah, today's were weird, but I still appreciated them.
And my oh my, the excited look on Mr. Riddle's face when Natalie and I started belting out that Icarus Account in harmony. I love that girl so much<3 She's so beautiful in so many ways.
And I guess Dear Love is pretty much our song now.

The talent show was incredible. I don't know how the rest of the student body felt, but I was so pumped.
AND ohmygosh this happened.
Robbie was getting really jittery and excitable just before we got on stage, but toned it down when we did. However, once I stepped on with him, his nerves seemed to transfer over to me.
"Okay, NOW I'm freaked out," I said.
He looked at me and just smiled, comfortingly, like Don't Worry, I must be joking. "You've got this. You're golden" is what he said.
And then I think my heart exploded. I can't express how much that moment meant to me.
Exponentially stronger than Lauren saying I'm perfect. That was just a good moment. THIS was monumental. THIS I want to remember. THIS means something, in the long run.

Fast-forward, we didn't put on our best performance musically, but it definitely had the most energy despite having to fill that enormous room. Robbie is a beast. And you know what? Every person in our little band is pretty badass, in our ways. Me, probably the least. I'm not just saying that, it's the truth. But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate these boys, and being appreciated by them.

Fast-forward, I've always been a huge fan of the jazz band, and today they outdid themselves. When they all dove for the circle in the middle of the gym and played together on the floor, oh my God. There are no words to describe that feeling, I can't even imagine how they must have been feeling, besides from the glow on each and every one of their faces. And the continuation of the energy, pure ecstatic energy from the trumpet section as they went absolutely bally mad and ran all the fuck over the gym, up and down the bleachers, kicking and dancing and flapping their arms, going for another few rounds of that song they know so well.

Fast-forward. We were all headed to Starbucks (sans Seth) and Robbie intended that we ride together (which, I didn't know at the time, was hilarious because he was the only one parked in the opposite lot). So I drove over to meet him, and swerved on into the aisle and into the spot right next to him, it was a weird S shape I had to make to get there, AND I FUCKIN' PARKED STRAIGHT. YEAH, IT WAS BOSS. Even Robbie said it was badass. He literally said it was badass.
That, and when I pulled up and rolled down the window, he said, laughing, "I was trying to imagine what you'd drive up in...and this is pretty much exactly what I pictured." Robbie expects me in a decent, clean, newish bright red little car? FINE BY ME. I think I look good in it.
Jonah and Pedro park behind him, and we all get in. I'm already in, and I was "entitled" to shotgun, for being their first. \m/ Later on, I called shotgun again, just because. Jonah was so unaccustomed to not riding shotgun, it was hilarious.
The talk in the car was eventful! Considering the four chill dudes and the girl who is typically a quiet car rider, at least with people she's not used to riding with. It was mellow talk. Robbie listens to the Black Keys, that made me happy. What made me endlessly happy was when I mentioned Blakroc, and Robbie got excited. (1) I just made a worthy contribution to the conversation, (2) I scored music points with the music guru, Robbie Houston. BOOM.
Starbucks was brilliant. It's just, the whole idea of spending time with these guys outside of school, outside of practice, just as part of the group, is so golden to me.
Car ride on the way back was funny, we joked about My Name Is Jonah/Mona/Winona/etcetera, and Free Hug shirts, and the world's obligation to love pugs, and things that rhymed with "pug" and Pedro saying "dog" hahaha.
I believe Robbie appreciates me, and that means so much to me because he commands so much of my respect.
I believe Robbie accepts my affection.
Pedro and Jonah hugged me in response to my affection.
I keep saying this "my affection" stuff because my approach was to tell them to "Accept my affection", and they responded.

I went home, sang in the car, got home and practiced by solo & ensemble music a few times, just running through them, and did some of the best run-throughs I'd done with those songs, ever. I even recorded myself.

I'm psyched for tomorrow. Yeah, I'm scared. I want to do well, I don't want to fall short. I'm probably the most prepared one going, and I want to go to state again. I went to state my first time doing it, and I don't want to back off now. Senior year, let's do this.

I will do that post about people--HOO, boy, do I have a lot to talk about, just from today. A lot of gossip around here. But it's getting late, and I seriously need to go to bed. Sure I won't have to wakeup as early as usual tomorrow, but I still need to catch up on my rest.

Goodnight, all.

I love...and I'm so grateful that I can and do.

I'm standing in my garage

about to go inside.
I could've easily gone to sleep right after dinner. In fact, I almost did.

But what did I do instead? I wasted some time on the Internet, then went out and practiced my music for a straight hour, and now my throat and body and mind are all killing me.
I was in no condition to do this. Why do I do this to myself.
Not a question because I don't have an answer.

I guess It Was A Lover and His Lass is getting better. It's one of those songs that's in a weird area where it's better if I head voice it all, but it's really airy and awkward. I'm trying to stop that. I think it's getting better...? Or maybe it got worse and now it's returning to normal??
I'm really weirded out that I think the clearest my voice sounded on that song was when I had to sing it in front of choir, which was really awkward and weird in itself because, lol, no piano. I mean, it wasn't weird at the time because I knew the piano part wasn't going to work and I'd end up singing it by myself, and just winging it, but in hind sight it was really weird/awkward.

Weird and awkward seem to be words of the day.

I feel like Vittoria is actually getting worse. I think I should stop over-rehearsing it. But at the same time, how do I maintain that range without practicing? It's predominantly upper staff. I'm pretty sure the lowest note I hit is a D above middle C. I need to keep my voice up, literally.

I think my biggest accomplishment tonight was Sugar, We're Goin' Down.
It wasn't perfect. It probably wasn't even that good.
The success was in the fact that, after an hour of operatic/classical singing, I was able to tough it out. I sang it with the actual song, which I NEVER DO and actually can't remember the last time I did, and it was really weird. I think maybe I sing it higher usually, or at least lately because I've been in the upper part of my range. But once it started, I was like holy shit what happened to my voice? This is not right at all. And I actually had to stop near the beginning because (1) I was failing, and (2) my parents came out just as I was yelling DOWN DOWN. Damn.

I accidentally told my dad about how I felt lately like I can't do anything right. I'm not sure what he's going to tell my mom now, or what/if they're going to do about it. Probably nothing. Hopefully nothing. But at the same time I feel like he went to bed with my mom and they're talking about it now. I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I've just been complaining complaining complaining all day, all week, all month, all year, all high school, all my life.

So I moped on back out and he shut the door.

And I started the song again.

And I tried to imagine being next to Robbie, and Jonah, and Seth. In the middle of the gymnasium. They're keeping their cool, they always keep their cool, it's up to me to calm down and get the crowd excited.
And I warmed myself up and just got started and powered through it like a star.

My body and voice did not appreciate it, but at the same time they were pushing for it, too. Because when it comes to this, my entire body and soul are into it, pushing to the best of my current ability.
Sure, it wasn't perfect. But I could feel it. And the audience in my head could feel it, and they were excited. And my boys were proud.

That's really all I wanna do this Friday. I want to make them proud.

I'd better go to bed now. I've been tired for hours and hours.

Good night.

My mouse isn't working for some reason

...I'm actually really surprised I made it this far. Like, I had to open firefox (because I'm only ever signed into this account on firefox, and it keeps my personal blog out of my Chrome history), open blogger, get to a new post, and type in my title and get to the text box, all without a mouse.

GO ME, I'm so fucking boss.

It's impressive because it wasn't hard. Usually it's really hard, but I've either gotten a lot better at it, or this is the first time I wasn't trying to do something absurd, like Spanish homework, which was easier with a mouse when you had to copy/paste accented letters because your laptop doesn't fucking do symbol shortcuts.

Anyway.

Today was surprisingly good, considering the past day and two nights.

I was sure it was going to be horrendously painful and excruciatingly long, like yesterday, so I let myself sleep in. Until 11. I usually wake up moderately early for weekends, on weekends. Like, it's not the 5-6 o'clock of the school day, but a lot of teenagers sleep in until noon, right? I'm usually up by 8, or earlier.

Damn, I forgot my mouse wasn't working. I tried to hover over a spot where I missed a comma, and realized I had to arrow on back. Dammit.

Anyway, so my mom gets home from her doctor's appointment around 11 and comes into my room, which is lit just the way I like it when I wanna fuck the world--that is, sunlight bleeding through the curtains to let me know the day is moving, but the curtains blocking it steadfastly in my refusal to face the day. And yeah, I was already awake, which is probably why my mom didn't yell at me when she came in. I had been awake since at least 10, just lying in bed, essentially brain dead.

She has me get up and eat something, which is fine by me because I'm starving. By then, though, it's close to lunch time because although she came in at 11, I didn't force myself to get up until 11:30ish. I had stuff to do anyway.

So I heat myself up a single-person lunch, this delicious chicken pot pie thing that I haven't had since middle school, it was grrrreeeaaat. And we put on old music, blasting Chicago and singing along all the words we knew from all the times we've heard it, and mumbling all the words we could never understand in all the times we've heard it.
I'm kind of proud of my familiarity with Chicago. I can sing almost every Fall Out Boy song because I looked up the lyrics. I can sing to a lot of the songs on my Best of Chicago album because I grew up with it. This is one of the few instances in which I can say I grew up with this music. Other instances are other popular 107.7 songs, and video game soundtracks.

I took my dog for a long walk, singing all the way. Practicing my popular music voice, singing songs by bands, a little punk rock, a little alternative. I'm getting tired of singing my solo and ensemble music. I mean, I love it, but it's so hard to practice, singing it over and over again. It's like I have less air every time. There is a such thing as over-rehearsing, and I do it. A lot.

I didn't start my homework until, like, 2ish. I wrote my paper for Music Appreciation. He wanted it to be 1.5-2 pages, and I cut mine down to 3. I don't really care that it's too long, it's the best I could do without cutting out information I actually thought was important, and anyway it's probably better and more informed than anyone else's paper, so there.

I hope that's all I had to do. I'd done my AP yesterday, and Othello the day before.

I actually had time to work calculus! I've been writing in my homework as every single lesson we've covered since 3.5, because I had a lot of trouble with implicit differentiation. So that's where I worked today--just on implicit differentiation.
And you know what?
It turns out
I still have a lot of trouble with differentiation.

And why the eff am I getting answers that are so close to being right, but everything is wrong?
Like, instead of finding y', I keep finding -y'. All the numbers are right, but all on the wrong side of the number line. What the heck am I doing wrong?! I don't understand at all.

I don't think I'll be able to make the meeting tomorrow, Rachel. I'm sorry.
I was going to, but I'd forgotten about it, and now look. It's 12:30 and I'm still awake.

I'm going to bed, but I don't think I should wake up earlier than I have to for school.
I've been really trying to do the minimum I need to do acceptably (by my standards). I don't want to excel anymore. I want to coast. No, I really just want to stop breaking down. I think this is what I need to do to survive.


......I talked to him today, and didn't feel weird about it. Really, nothing has to change. We're doing just fine.
...He's really a gentleman. I admit it, I'm jealous of his girlfriend. That she's found such a close-to-perfect guy, so young, too. She's outrageously lucky, and I wish them both the best.

I just want other people to be happy. It's what makes me happy, the most, in the end.

I need to keep reminding myself of my goal in life.



And with that, good night, all.

-----


P.S. No proof-reading, because I don't wanna go through the trouble without a damn mouse lol. Kbai

Today has been........not very good.

I guess it wasn't bad either.
But, funk-wise, it kind of was.

Don't get me wrong, I did smile and laugh, earlier, talking to my sister before she left, and watching baby videos of me making faces and drooling all the fuck over myself.

But otherwise I really just haven't been happy all day.

It's been a pretty sad day.

Now that I think about it, I was supposed to meet Mary today
but she hasn't messaged me since last week, so we never set up a time or place.

That's okay,
I'll just be dolled up by myself.

So, as you can see, I uploaded pictures from my camera.
I don't do that a lot, so I also attained pictures from a few days ago, as well as a month ago.

Here's one from Kaylee's birthday:

Yup. I didn't take many pictures at Kaylee's birthday.
In fact, I only have two. And they're both of the cake.


I'm tired and I'm bored and today has been such a waste.

I need to work on my portfolio, if I'm not going to do any of my homework.
I also need to get information about March 3 from Riddle.
And practice my music.
But I'm just not feeling it today.

But on a more important note, today was nice.

Turned in my English paper on time.

Had family over and celebrated my grandma's 81st birthday (even though it's not until Feb. 23).

Yeah, it was really nice.

...The end.

I was going to do things before I went to bed, but I kind of don't want to anymore.

He never goes on picnics with me.

Maybe I really do like him.

Maybe that's why this is suddenly a lot harder than it was a week ago.

Maybe this is why I shouldn't get too close.

This is kind of uncomfortable, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I'm not sure how I feel about feeling this way.
Not again.

I don't remember what happened today.

I feel like I wasted a lot of time.

But, some nice things happened today.
You know, the heart-warmy type stuff.

Yeah.

Struggling with writing this paper. I know I have the material to write a good paper, I just can't focus. I've been wanting to go to bed since I got home. I still need to take a shower. Ugh. I'll do that now.

Goodnight.

Okay, but seriously.

Guys.

Chris is taking me to the Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses concert at the Bob Carr Performing Arts Center in Orlando, on July 14, at 8 PM.

How the hell am I supposed to repay him?
How do I say thank you to that?

What can I give him that he will actually take?

I think you understand my dilemma.

Two pages of Othello topic free-writing

Now to make it into a college A paper. LOL my method of writing is hilarious to me.

Today was really good.

The AP presentation went really well, I like to think. I wanted to talk more about "how to get involved" or whatever, but he started asking us if we had anything else to say, and for some reason that sets off alarms in my head saying "IF HE THINKS WE'RE DONE, WE MUST BE DONE." So I said no and we sat down, haha. Whatever, he said we had a fine presentation. So, :P

Second period was such a relief today. Vittoria is suddenly coming together. Okay, no, not really "together", but at least it's coming out at all. I'm learning to sing higher--I don't know if it's a higher register, there's no flip or anything, so maybe it's just higher in the usual register. But anyway, it's so much harder than I'd bargained for, to sing that high and still be comprehensible.......in Italian. But, I mean, I never bargained for it, I was going to sing it a whole step lower, but WHATEVER MR. RIDDLE, THAT'S FINE. I'LL HIT THE CEILING FOR YOU, THAT'S FINE. That G above the staff is gonna fly out of my lungs and slap you across the face on February 25. So there.

Hello, self-confidence. Where have you been lately? I missed you.

Although my self-confidence is never quite confidence in me. It's more like lost confidence in everything else, very much a "Fuck it!" attitude. Whatever, I'm happy.

Choir had a spectacular rehearsal, I'm so glad I didn't miss it to go to fucking business with Chris. SORRY CHRIS, I made you wait until math class to ask me out ;) JUST KIDDING LOL

BUT OMG the way he told me that his girlfriend said no to the ticket to the Legend of Zelda symphony tour. It was THIS CLOSE to asking me out, seriously. I was expecting him to just say, "She said no! Here you go" but instead I got a, "So....I have this ticket.." and a "Would you like to go with me?"

Um.....................YES. YES, I WOULD LOVE TO. OMG.

And me being super excited all day just told a million people.
Lauren was excited that I was excited, but was not really excited about it in general. I didn't even say who I was going with when we were in Riddle's office, but Daphne was immediately like, "Who, Chris?" Kind of excitedly, too. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Also, a few periods later when I was telling Steven, also in Riddle's office, this time with Mr. Riddle inside, Mr. Riddle also guessed I was going with Chris Tripp. What is this suspicion?? I don't understand.
I mean, yeah, I make it really obvious that I adore him, but I don't think Mr. Riddle or Daphne ever even see us together. We're not always together. And I didn't think Chris would let on anything. There's nothing for him to let on to, nothing special or of anyone else's interest is going on.

But there was that one time when Mr. Riddle relayed to me, that he heard I made Chris's "favorite person" list. ONE OF MY GREATEST TRIUMPHS THIS YEAR, MIGHT I ADD.

God, today was just so flipping great.
I don't even remember the rest of it.
I think I bombed that chem test. I put down stupid answers for some things I knew the answers to, but just couldn't focus on enough to realize it until after class. Damn.

Reminder: Prinnies, dood. lol

I don't even know what else to say.

I seriously need to work on Rappa's paper, she needs to see it tomorrow.

Yeah, okay, goodnight world <3

CHRIS! CHRIS, WHAT THE HELL CHRIS, WHAT THE FUCK

Oh my God he just bought two tickets to see the Legend of Zelda Symphony at the Bob Carr asdfghjkl; I AM DYING OHMYGOD

BUT

BUT

the catch: he is obligated to ask his girlfriend to accompany him first.

ugghhhh

But I mean, it's just courtesy.
I doubt she'd appreciate it if he went with me without even asking her.

Even though I'm the one who told him about it, and would definitely appreciate it. I don't know her, but I think I'd appreciate it more than she.
Because, I mean, it's fucking Legend of Zelda.

Forget writing a blog about today. I was going to, but all things were overshadowed by this.

I really hope Clara isn't legitimately upset about Chris. I mean.............yeah. I like him.
Again, I'm obviously not going to pursue anything. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to gush over him with my friends. Particularly after tonight.

Omg I don't even know what to do or how to feel right now. At this moment in time, I might just really like him.
But I mean, it's only temporary, right? He's just a really good friend, a really fuckin' badass friend, who bought me a ticket to see the Zelda symphony. I mean, it might not end up going to me, if his girlfriend wants to go, but hey now, we know he bought it with me in mind.




Omggggggg.

"Happy Valentine's Day"

Today, I got a bear from Clara <3 But I didn't get her anything
I'm a terrible Valentine.
This bear is super fluffy though.
His name is Dale. His name is Ted Dale d'Ottinger (I have no idea how to spell that lol).
I luff him.

Today I had another freak out session in second period. I don't know what to call them. Panic attacks or anxiety or something? Yesterday it was really bad, I was essentially throwing a tantrum in the practice room because of everything I was feeling and my inability to express it without destroying something. Yeah, I cried a little. Not, like, flowing tears, but I teared up, which in my world constitutes crying. Because if my eyes tear up anywhere where people can see it (not in my bed or my bathroom), it must be really bad. And it was. I was flipping out. My heart was freaking out, my brain was screaming, I couldn't breathe, it was really weird and freaky. Definitely an overreaction to my complete mortification.
Today it was me freaking out over not having my songs down. I couldn't do it. I tried to practice over the weekend and couldn't do it, and I couldn't do it today. I couldn't stay in tune, I couldn't stay in key, I couldn't breathe, everything sounded scratchy, nothing was coming together, I was running out of time (no offense Rachel, it wasn't your fault), and I was failing, I was failing, I was failing and failing quickly and without hope. So yeah. I broke down again, right before choir. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, but I did.


After choir, I talked to Mr. Riddle. He ran through one of my songs really quick, told me to have more fun with it and stop being "so damn perfect" and just sing out, make mistakes. Everything he usually says, that I say, but can't bring myself to do.


My self-esteem lately has been off the charts.
On the bottom end.
But, moving on. After mentally passing out in calculus, things started looking up, and rapidly.

Today, I got candy from Chris.
That doesn't actually mean anything, at least nothing significant, but it was a nice gesture. He had extra candy from when he asked Kade for one and he gave him, like, three, so the fact that he gave me one was just nice.

Today I sat down and got to chill with Jack for a few minutes. Just him and me. We talked about Daniel, and how we miss the hell out of him. We talked about Erin...their relationship is not really anyone's business, so I don't know how much I can share on here. But we did talk about it, and her. I was curious to know if she ever was unsure or suspicious of me, being so close to Jack. Apparently she was, at one point, but hopefully that has passed. I like Erin, and she and Jack are cute together. But sometimes she looks unhappy, and sometimes Jack doesn't know how to read her, or he does and doesn't know what to do. However things turn out by graduation and beyond, for both of them I hope for the best.

I'm pretty sure Jack was making fun of me about Chris earlier. But in a friendly way. It was funny, and kind of nice--almost a relief--that he's so understanding, and not pushy. I'm obviously not going to pursue anything with Chris, and am totally fine with it. That Jack understands that is actually really comforting. Even though we don't talk a lot, he still understands me. And maybe always will. I don't think I've told him, but he's always been surprisingly good about that. About me.

Anyway.
I think about this romance stuff way too often, for someone who is generally not interested in a relationship.
Yeah, I have those times when I think and say I want a boyfriend, but if we dig to the bone, I won't whole-heartedly want a relationship unless my whole heart (or enough of it) is set on one person, whose heart is also set on me.
And surely that won't happen for a while. At the very least, not until after graduation and I've become accustomed to whatever are my new surroundings.

Chamber choir was really good today, I forgot to leave early for my freshly baked cookies. Also, when I finally got out of chamber, long after everyone had rushed out, after Mr. Riddle gave me a quick French diction lesson, I went out to my car to find Clara. Who opened the door of her car to reveal a spiff-looking Sammy.

GOD SAMMY, YOU ARE SO ATTRACTIVE. YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING, AND YOU DRESS SO WELL, AND SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

lol i love you, Sammy.

And then we listened to some Legend of Zelda, and some Ministry of Magic, and the elephant song!
But I had to rush home to my cookies.
But they, of course, were already cool once I got home. But they were still yummy, and I wasn't going to mope about it. I could tell they'd be really good with milk, anyway.

Can I have cookies for breakfast? When no one's looking? Because my parents would not approve if they saw.

I got home to an amazing dinner. My mom went all out. Like, cookies AND brownies. And dinner with the rice and the something-shrimp-dish-the-name-of-which-I-don't-care-to-remember, and asparagus, and this steak and mushroom and onions thing, AND salad, and this cheese bread stuff, and it was just all SO GOOD. I couldn't even have cookies after dinner (I had a couple before) because I ate so much.

I haven't done any of my work yet. But all in all, this has been a very good Singles Awareness Day.
I hope your Valentine's Day went well, too. <3

Today was sad and embarrassing.

An appropriate followup to the pathetic turnout of last weekend (yesterday). I feel like I screwed up a lot today, in front of people whose opinions matter to me. I mean they don't, but they do.
They matter when they hurt.

Today had its good moments. And all in all, I'd want the good to overshadow all the bad mood that was today. But as long as I'm trying to keep track of my days, I've gotta go by the face I bring home to the mirror.
And the mirror tells me I am tired, and sad.

Oreos and milk are a beautiful thing. Talking with Mrs. Shoemaker was nice, really nice. Finding Jocelyn, Sammy, and Clara outside by the cars was also nice. They're not judging me, hopefully.

I feel like............am I paranoid?

I don't know. Lately I've just been so much more insecure. It's a feeling that builds on itself that only makes itself worse by existing.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you. And not just people you know, or don't know, it's the people you kind of know, or know enough, and they think they know you.
It's one thing to be up on a stage in front of people you don't know and who don't know you, and letting them judge you, because you know who you are, what you're doing and why, and they don't.
It's a similar thing to be obnoxious in your spare time, or in your class with your friends, and be judged by the students around you. They don't know you, or don't care. Whatever they think of you now won't matter later.

It's a completely different thing to be judged, especially negatively, by people you don't know all that well, but have wanted to. People you respect. People who don't know you, but think they do. They don't know you, but they think they know you enough to pass judgment, and there's a certain unwanted finality to it, a prejudice they will hold against you forever, or until it is buried under some recurring contradictory fact.
It's different when you want them to look at you like they are impressed, or like they like you or are interested in you, and instead you imagine the disdain in their eyes, in their voices, in their minds, or the pleasure they get in you saying the wrong thing and making a fool out of yourself. Particularly in a semi-professional environment where you just want to be respected for what you do, and you say exactly the wrong thing and you sound like a fucking pretentious idiot who shouldn't even be there and don't know anything about what you're doing.

Damn it, I do that all the time in front of the same people and I can't tell if they have lost all respect for me or what, but all I can do is try to redeem myself but I am so much more self-conscious that I keep stumbling over myself and making the same mistakes, worse and worse, again and again.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you.
It's a terrible feeling, to be ashamed of oneself.

I've gotta get out of here.
I only ever want to interact with my friends and family, the ones that don't judge me, don't ask me questions, don't expect anything from me. I only want to be happy, with them.

I'm so hungry right now, it's sad.

Tonight, I am discontent.

I am unhappy, and I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I have the vague feeling that I fucked myself over many times this weekend, but I didn't really do anything.
...Maybe that's just it.

I feel like if I'm working so hard to get into Ringling, if/once I'm accepted, I should just go, right?
But no, that's not how decision-making works.

But, I mean, if I wanna go somewhere where I don't really know anyone, art schools the place to go.

I'm so tired of this place and almost everyone in it.
I mean, some of you guys...I love you guys. And when I'm around you, I don't want to lose you.
But when I spend a weekend alone, it all feels forgettable. I'm not saying I want to forget. I just do, and I'm left feeling detached from everything worthwhile around here.

I never thought I'd be that person.

Caught up late. Sent to bed.
Goodnight.

I need to learn to work more quickly. This exhausts my eyes, and my body, and in severe cases, my brain.

Today was mellow. Did stuff. Was moderately productive. Yeah.

'Sunrise' by Childish Gambino stuck in my head all day.
AY! What it do, bitch?

I've got it bad

this senioritis shindig. It's harsh, it's rough, it's real. It sucks.

But at the same time, I think it's healthier than what I've otherwise been doing.

However, I did manage to lose weight, again. What the hull.

Today was a day of mixed feelings.

BEFORE I GET INTO THAT, I just wanna say
my mom scheduled a cardiologist appointment smack in the middle of spring break. She knew I had plans for spring break, and she scheduled an appointment I was supposed to have years ago, in the middle of the one spring break I actually have plans for. Okay, mom, okay.
Additionally, she might be scheduling a dentist appointment. I don't see why I have to suddenly have these overdue appointments during the vacation I actually have plans for. This is not really okay, but I guess I have no say in the matter.
Thirdly, my mom scheduled my grandma's birthday party on February 18...which is the same day as Ringling's Open House. Guess I'm not going. But I also guess it doesn't matter, because it looks like I'm not even going to Ringling anymore. I mean, it would've been nice to check it out one more time before I made a decision. But whatever, mom, it's fine.

God.

Anyway, today was weird. I don't remember much of it.
I'm pretty sure it was generally a good day, but I just ended it tired as a sack of potatoes, and totally drained.
It was pretty progressive too, not sudden. I saw Jimena after school, for the first time since she graduated, and I didn't know how to feel about it, because I was really just tired and focused on getting to my car on the other side of the school to go home.
And I had kind of given up holding onto feelings for Jimena when she never showed up, when she said she would. I mean, I still love her to death, and seeing her made me smile so much, and I think I might've made a weird noise, but it was one of those..."I've waited so long that I'm not sure what to do now that this is really happening" things.

I remember being really hungry all day.
And being a little frustrated that Mr. LaCroix doesn't come in until just before choir now, instead of around 9 like he's supposed to, so that second period vocalists can work with him. I haven't been able to work with him since before All-State, and I JUST got my solo/ensemble music, and I just really want to work with him, because I just can't stand feeling this unprepared so close to the date.
But I mean, I wasn't frustrated at Mr. LaCroix, I was just frustrated with the fact that even when he has five-ten minutes before choir, I never get to work with him. Marty works with him, sometimes Adrian. I don't know what the fuck Haley is doing, she's kind of not doing anything. Okay, this week I've seen a lot of improvement, but lately I just don't know what's up with her. I'm not the only one who's noticed. I'm not criticizing her, I don't know what's going on. I'm just saying, something's off, and I don't understand.

I keep remembering something that happened yesterday, that I feel the need to jot down, so I remember for later. It doesn't mean anything, but it kind of makes me smile.
Yesterday, I was saying goodbye to Wesley, Chris, and Jack. And, being me, and being so, so happy, I said to them, "I love you guys. All of you."
And Jack, jokingly, said, "Oh, but she loves Chris the most."
And in that moment, I had options to react. I could deny it politely, even though I know he was just joking. I mean, it's not really true, seeing as Jack is one of my best friends, and I've been hanging out with Wesley a lot lately now that we have class together. The three of them are a fun bunch, so why rank?
I could also just laugh it off.
I could tell Jack I love him the most, because he is one of my best friends.
But what I chose to do instead, was smile. Just smile.
And I smiled, and Chris locked eyes with me and smiled back, that way he does (the way we do) when we're playing around.

Jack's response was, "DAMMIT, IT'S TRUE", laughingly. It was really funny. It was a heart-smiling kind of moment.
I miss yesterday. Something was special about yesterday, a quality that I wish I could describe. I don't know.

I'm not sure what else to say here. I had other stuff, but I painted my nails and tried to take a nap instead of getting on my computer, so. I forgot most of it. Yeh.

I guess that's it then. Here's to one of the more aimless, incoherent posts of mine. But surely not the last.
Goodnight.

Today was outsanding.

Everyone said it was the full moon. They're saying "everyone is freaking out". I didn't really notice, but I guess the affect on me is this........unusually good day. I can't remember anything particularly good that happened at the beginning, but even so it felt like a snowball of good things coming along until the end. Yeah, it kind of petered out once I got home, but it didn't go down any. It sustained a good feeling, that I still have. It's......nice. It's relaxing, it's chill.

I feel somewhat organized about my thoughts today. Not permanently, obviously, but today, my thoughts are not fighting one another.

Clara had a good day, I know she felt it, too.
Haley seemed much better than she has lately, and she and Clara were talking and laughing, which is always good to see and hear.
Jack was splendid. I didn't really talk to him until 5 o'clock, just before we left, but he was off the walls as well.

It was just a good day, I guess.

Spent a good amount of time with Chris. I've been spending a lot of time with Chris lately, but today went overtime. We went to Wal-Mart and bought retractable lightsabers. We listened to Flight of the Concords on the way to and back. We talked about wizard rock in between. We freaking ran into Jocelyn and Spencer in the Star Wars toys aisle, and bought our lightsabers altogether. I love our nerdy talks. I love.....being myself. There's this whole side of me I didn't even realize I was repressing, and it feels great to let it out sometimes. You know, without feeling like a pretentious asshole. That's a big danger with nerd-talk. Sounding like a pretentious asshole. But Chris is so reasonable! And Jocelyn, too. Both of them are great to have around.

I worked with Shannon today. That was my "NHS tutoring"--a little vocal coaching, from about three-thirty to four-thirty/five o'clock-ish. She's letting loose, a little bit, and she and Marty said they could really hear the improvement when they listened to the recording. She's learning to be less tense, less mentally focused on the physicality of the words, and of the actual singing. She's learning that singing is not this concrete thing that must be put together piece by piece, consonant to consonant, technique, technique. Singing is music, and music is freer than that.
Sure, in a choir, we're taught to put the reigns on it, tell it to go where we want it to go. But it's a dual skill, to know where to turn it loose, cut the slack in the appropriate places. As a soloist, you need to give yourself more free range, and throw it out there, whatever you've got.
She's so uncertain and hesitant. But she's definitely learning, and I'm proud of her.

Afterwards, hanging out with Jack, and Chris, and Wesley, and suddenly the topic of Daniel comes up. And it's obvious he hasn't fully left. He's still with Jack, and me, who talk to him semi-regularly (no doubt him more than me). He's still with Chris and Wesley, for all the times they spent together doing projects, and/or in engineering, respectively. I miss him so much, more than I even imagined I would. I remember the last time we saw him, not feeling real, like that couldn't possibly be it. And now my heart is so set on him going to school in Florida, I can't help but imagine Jack and I will both be crushed if he doesn't make it. This is so much more than I bargained for.

I love hanging out with Chris and Jack together. They just warm my heart in an indescribable, unique way. For one, they've got this tangible connection...as if they're breathing at the same time. (That's a weird description, but that's what it feels like to be around them.) Two, I feel a connection to them. As far as boys go, they're two of my best friends. As incredibly cheesy as it is, when they're around, I just feel more......complete. Yeah, I said that. Don't judge me, today was amazing.

Although, it was a little off-setting, to hear Chris talk about his girlfriend today. And to see her picture in the newspaper he showed me. I mean, I know about her. I've met her, and as far as I can tell, she's sweet as pie. As far as I can tell, I like her. So it's not new to me. It's just that, we don't talk about her a lot. She hasn't come up, as much as she used to, anyway. It had gotten to the point where I wanted to ask about her, because I hadn't heard about her in so long.
So today when she was mentioned, several times, in different contexts...I don't know. It reminded me of something. When he talks about her, the way he talks about her, it's kind of like.......like he had been holding my heart in his hands for a little while, and it felt really nice, but he knew he had to put it back, so he did. He placed it back, in its little spot on this dusty little shelf, waiting for someone else to admire it, to come pick it up for keeps.
I appreciate Chris. And I'm pretty sure he appreciates me. And you know what? I really like our friendship. We're funny together. His company is enjoyable. I don't know if this sounds really stand-offish and impersonal. "Oh, I think his company is enjoyable." But it's kind of my way of saying...I like him so much, that I don't need much from him to make me happy. He's a respectable human being with so much to offer, and if you know me as well as I do, that goes a long way with me.

And to top it all off, this.

 

LOL, I'm okay with it too, dude.

(the one Like on that comment is him, too xDDDD HE'S OBVIOUSLY OKAY WITH IT)

I just typed up about half of this, then went back and added 50% more. I've said this before, but really. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never run out of words.

But, better to write them all out here than ramble to someone else directly. I talk way too much anyway.

I just have a lot of words, okay.

I need to do research for Music Appreciation. The working bibliography is due tomorrow, and I haven't started it. Eek.

I haven't done any homework today. It was just way too good to stress about. And I'm not gonna stress about this assignment. It's an in-progress, so I can do the bare minimum for tomorrow and fill it out in a week's time. No stress.

Goodnight, blog and potential blog reader(s). See you tomorrow, most likely.

With love.

"Your mom's a whore"

I see why everyone loved Blink-182 back in the day. Or maybe why they still love them today? They entertain me.

Right, right, update.

I'm doing all right.

I don't feel much of anything right now.

Drawing is more fun when it's not competing with the urge to go to bed.

I haven't eaten dinner, but too lazy to get up. Plus, working.

Hope we didn't have homework.

I need the February schedule. I don't know what's going on and feel totally unprepared.

Shit, tutoring tomorrow. I wish I could just skip, but I have no legitimate reason.

I'm of no help to anyone.

He's considering going to FSU...

I mean, he's still got a year left of high school, but if he's only looking at UF or FSU, between me and Abby, I'm sure we could sway him the Seminole direction.

Am I really making an important life decision by something a guy says?

LOL NO.

But, I mean, it plays a factor. A very, very "last resort"-type factor.
I'm a terrible decision-maker. I feel like Ringling and FSU's good and bad points balance each other just enough that I'm running out of ways to compare them.

The last obvious resource is...who's going?

Let's look at it, people-wise.

A good point about Ringling: Hardly anyone I know will be there. I can start anew, in a whole new life.
A bad point about Ringling: It'll look a lot like the Villages, kind of canceling that out. (Ironically, this used to be a good thing, but I think maybe I need a more drastic change)

A good point about FSU: Multiple: Julian (yes, this is a good point. I'm counting it as one, anyway) and Robbie (potentially?). Abby would be proud. Abel is a huge maybe that won't be resolved for another year at least.
But he did JUST text me saying he'll probably go to FSU.

I mean, all things considered, it looks like a safe bet. FSU looks like a safe bet.

Sorry Kelsey, Denise, Charles and Steven. I might not be seeing you guys after all.

NOT THAT THIS MEANS I'VE MADE A DECISION
although I'm getting there.
I really need to make one soon.

But nothing official until I've completed my application to Ringling and have been accepted.
My heart is still torn, and no matter what I do, I'll have regrets.

I just hope the bright sides are bright enough to wash them out.

My clothes have been rearranged today

Got a boxful of garage sale/donation clothes, and now all my house clothes are folded properly on their shelves, my pajamas are separate, my underwear is in a covered drawer in my closet so people don't find them unless they're hardcore snooping, and my hanging clothes are really color-coordinated, not the half-assed stuff my mom was saying earlier LOL. I mean, she didn't even try, she just moved my stuff from the closet in the other room to this one, in chunks. They just happened to be kind of color-coordinated, because I like them that way.

Anyway.

This was a good weekend.

I didn't do any homework though. WHOOPS, let's get to that...

P.S. Abel commented on something I put on his wall! HE NEVER COMMENTS ON ANYTHING, he only ever Likes things. NOT THAT THIS MEANS ANYTHING, I was just astounded that he actually used words lol.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I obsess over guys in my head just to block out guys that I want to get over. It's like pinching and hurting yourself to get your mind off a greater pain, until it becomes the greater pain and the other is long faded, and you yet again need a new wound to fuss over. Whatever.

Channing Tatum (Step Up) married that one girl (Step Up)

I love it when canon romances carry over into reality. It makes everything so much easier on the brain.

I'm watching SNL. Kind of. I mean, I'm paying attention, mostly, even though I'm sitting on the side of the couch where I'm facing the same direction the TV is, so I have to crane around to see it. Lol.

Abel Crossley went from being "in a relationship" to "single."

My reaction was kind of a spit/laugh of disbelief. I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I think I'm really not supposed to feel anything at all. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Speaking of which, I need to stop getting upset over celebrity divorces and laughing at IRL break-ups. Again, something is wrong with me.

Number one reason for me not to get married: my absurd fear of divorce.

Number one reason to have a child/children: to be the best parent I could possibly be for a child. To make sure they are raised in a house of love, and wisdom, and make the world that much better.
Number one reason not to have a child/children: to end up being a terrible parent. To end up like my dad.

Today was, overall, a good day. For me, anyway. Not really as a whole.

Last night my dad went ballistic and threw shit because we cooked the salted pollock instead of the unsalted pollock. The bright side was he obviously lost and we didn't have to deal with him for the rest of the night. My mom and I ended up watching hours to TV together--shows we didn't even watch--just to chill out, until we fell asleep on the couch.

I didn't have to deal with my dad much of the morning, either, which was nice. I feel awful thinking stuff like that is nice. I feel awful remembering that when I was little I learned about divorce, and would fantasize what life would be like if mom and dad got a divorce. I thought it would be grand, that I could just live with my mom and not have to deal with my dad.

That's such a horrible thought. I have serious relationship issues, obviously.

Even so...this morning was nice. It was quiet. I cleaned up and got started on my chores without being nagged. After breakfast my mom and grandma went to pick up medicine from the pharmacy and I kept working. I cleaned and washed my car. I gave my dog a bath. I got stuff done, outside, without being yelled at by my dad. I got to go in and shower and eat dinner and chiilllll.

The not so good part was the tension in the house after my dad got home. At one point everyone was in the kitchen at once, and it was tense as crap. Everyone was talking quietly, treading lightly. I was just trying to act normal.

Whatever, it's over now. Mom and dad went to bed, I'm the only one left awake, to record my thoughts of the day.

I'm eating a box of snack raisins. Well, you know, the raisins in the box. Not the box itself.

What the fuck? I just checked Abel's FB, just to make sure.
His relationship was "FB Official" just yesterday.
AND on February 2nd, his girl wrote on his wall, "Poop."
HEY, on January 15th, I wrote on his wall, "POOP"
Surely it means nothing.
But at the same time, like...WHAT THE HELL.
They'd better really be broken up, or I'm gonna be disappointed.
I really was okay with it, but now that it might be over...you know. Hope, and shit.

There was a Captain Morgan commercial with "Ball and a Biscuit" on it. I enjoyed it.

I feel like there were other random thoughts to put here, but somehow this post became one about my family and relationship problems, and Abel.

I wish I could see him more often. When I'm with him, he essentially eliminates every other boy I even think about. Around here, I'm always looking around, wondering whys and hows. It's gotten to the point where I kind of want a boyfriend, because the only boys around here I'd even consider dating all have girlfriends. Or maybe it's because all my closest guy friends have girlfriends? Or maybe it's a combination because the only guys I'd date are some of my best friends.

Aaaand that particular list is cut short as I'm approaching the point where I'm not willing to date anyone around here before graduation. The exception would be Chris, who is very happy with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for a pretty long time (I can't remember exactly how long). Or Abel, of course, but the graduation deadline doesn't apply for him because I'll be seeing him for the rest of my life. It's just that, as nice as I'm sure it would be to have a boyfriend, I don't want to start anything so late. We'll be gone in a few months, and I need to focus on the future. It really just doesn't seem plausible. Not worth it, even.

But, I mean, will it ever be? For me?

I need to erase everything I think I know about relationships, because at this rate with how I feel, I'll never have anything that lasts.

I need to pee, and I ran out of raisins. I should probably brush my teeth and go to bed.

I don't think of this as a negative post. I'm just being thoughtful.

ACTUALLY, LAST ONE - THIS IS RELEVANT

The youtube for the song I just posted.

A comment: "Why is everyone talking about a scene in a movie?"

They have no idea hahaha.

For no discernible reason.......very possibly my favorite movie of all time.

3 posts, 1 day! Lol.

Just Tuesday, I felt like the world was falling apart.

It seems, in the history of me, that every time I feel so overdramatic like that, as long as I let it all out (through blogging, crying, eating/stuffing my face, blashkdjhas, etc. [all of which was indulged in Tuesday night])
I typically find myself fine the next day.

Better, even, than before.

I don't know if this is a mood pattern, or a physical pattern.

Crying generally helps.

I hate doing it, because when I actually allow myself to do it are the times when I really need to and end up crying for an hour straight or something like that. I don't time myself.

Remember middle school and the beginning of high school when I never let myself really cry?

Yeah, I'm over that. Crying definitely helps when you can just let it all go.

Everything makes me cry now. Thinking too much makes me cry. Sad stories make me cry. Sad music makes me cry. My own voice makes me cry, when I try to tell someone I'm all right and it comes out horribly, like I'm barely holding together. Stuff just makes me cry. It's gotten to the point where it's pretty embarrassing, especially around people that knew me during my never-ever-cry years.
But it's whatever.

I'mma go now. I'm tired of writing.

Sometimes it seems I will never run out of words.

I know I am defending an Old Dream.

Now I have New Dreams.

But some Dreams are recurring.

Big Dreams Die Hard.

These days...

"These days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do."

http://cedarseed.deviantart.com/journal/7-Reasons-Why-You-Should-Go-to-Art-School-214154871

Yesterday was good. Today was generally kind of stupid, but mostly because sick.

I can't tell if going to an art school is too big of a risk, financially. It's like...do I want to spend an exceptional heap of money going to a school that will surely put me ahead of a lot of other artists and might land me a really good job that I love? Or do I want to spend an average heap of money going to a school that will expose me to a larger variety of fields and people and experiences that may land me an OK job without leaving me in a huge amount of debt?

So basically...
(Potential job + some debt) vs. (potential really good job + a ton of debt)

The thing is, neither ensure me any job at all; only I am responsible for that. An art school would probably raise my chances of getting an art-related job (not that I can imagine possibly doing anything else), but a regular state school will still do its best without making my parents cry. And I'll be able to take music, and explore other fields. Maybe I'll pursue a career in something else--although I don't count this factor heavily in my decision, because I know what I want to do. Drawing and designing and making things is not something I ever plan to give up, it's who I am. But, I mean, what if my main job becomes performing? I love that, too.

It's choir. I love choir. I treat it as my job, and school is just on the side (although that's hardly accurate, considering the weight I put on my grades). But when I am assigned something in choir, I do it as if I am paid to do it, and I enjoy it. I want it. I want to do more, I want to get better, I want to share my voice and the way I feel with everyone.
There are traveling choirs. That is what people do. I kind of want to travel, don't want to be anchored forever in one place, want to get out occasionally. I don't think I would mind that.

But anyway, back to school things.
I want to be surrounded by creative, artistic people. However, I don't think I want to be around them all the time. My brain's argument is that everyone is different--it's not like at an art school everyone is the same and I won't make any friends or I'll be sick of the lack of variety. It's not like I talk to a lot of people now that have interests very different from mine. I mean, friggin' Robbie likes to snowboard, but that's not what we talk about. We talk about music.
He plays guitar, I sing. I'll be an Illustration major, maybe I'll have friends in Graphic Design, Studio, Animation, etc. Variety.
And surely they'll have interests outside of visual art. Surely I'll meet some musicians. Heck, the dorm building had a piano in it, for the students.
And I'll have connections at an art school. Big connections, from the professors, to the recruiters, to the students. Some, if not many of them, will make it big.

Note: Something I've always wanted to try my hand in--voice acting. With animator/cartoonist friends, I could totally do that!

But I mean, they have those programs at state universities, too. And some of those kids will do well for themselves.
The very successful are not limited to certain schools. It's all about what the person has got.

I am not limited to a purely art/design school. What have I got?

What should I do?

Get home just before four; wake up just before six...wait, huh?

Today was a fine day.

I woke up this morning and thought..."Today feels as if it will be a fine day."

And a fine day it was.

That is all.