I don't remember what happened today.

I feel like I wasted a lot of time.

But, some nice things happened today.
You know, the heart-warmy type stuff.

Yeah.

Struggling with writing this paper. I know I have the material to write a good paper, I just can't focus. I've been wanting to go to bed since I got home. I still need to take a shower. Ugh. I'll do that now.

Goodnight.

Okay, but seriously.

Guys.

Chris is taking me to the Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses concert at the Bob Carr Performing Arts Center in Orlando, on July 14, at 8 PM.

How the hell am I supposed to repay him?
How do I say thank you to that?

What can I give him that he will actually take?

I think you understand my dilemma.

Two pages of Othello topic free-writing

Now to make it into a college A paper. LOL my method of writing is hilarious to me.

Today was really good.

The AP presentation went really well, I like to think. I wanted to talk more about "how to get involved" or whatever, but he started asking us if we had anything else to say, and for some reason that sets off alarms in my head saying "IF HE THINKS WE'RE DONE, WE MUST BE DONE." So I said no and we sat down, haha. Whatever, he said we had a fine presentation. So, :P

Second period was such a relief today. Vittoria is suddenly coming together. Okay, no, not really "together", but at least it's coming out at all. I'm learning to sing higher--I don't know if it's a higher register, there's no flip or anything, so maybe it's just higher in the usual register. But anyway, it's so much harder than I'd bargained for, to sing that high and still be comprehensible.......in Italian. But, I mean, I never bargained for it, I was going to sing it a whole step lower, but WHATEVER MR. RIDDLE, THAT'S FINE. I'LL HIT THE CEILING FOR YOU, THAT'S FINE. That G above the staff is gonna fly out of my lungs and slap you across the face on February 25. So there.

Hello, self-confidence. Where have you been lately? I missed you.

Although my self-confidence is never quite confidence in me. It's more like lost confidence in everything else, very much a "Fuck it!" attitude. Whatever, I'm happy.

Choir had a spectacular rehearsal, I'm so glad I didn't miss it to go to fucking business with Chris. SORRY CHRIS, I made you wait until math class to ask me out ;) JUST KIDDING LOL

BUT OMG the way he told me that his girlfriend said no to the ticket to the Legend of Zelda symphony tour. It was THIS CLOSE to asking me out, seriously. I was expecting him to just say, "She said no! Here you go" but instead I got a, "So....I have this ticket.." and a "Would you like to go with me?"

Um.....................YES. YES, I WOULD LOVE TO. OMG.

And me being super excited all day just told a million people.
Lauren was excited that I was excited, but was not really excited about it in general. I didn't even say who I was going with when we were in Riddle's office, but Daphne was immediately like, "Who, Chris?" Kind of excitedly, too. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Also, a few periods later when I was telling Steven, also in Riddle's office, this time with Mr. Riddle inside, Mr. Riddle also guessed I was going with Chris Tripp. What is this suspicion?? I don't understand.
I mean, yeah, I make it really obvious that I adore him, but I don't think Mr. Riddle or Daphne ever even see us together. We're not always together. And I didn't think Chris would let on anything. There's nothing for him to let on to, nothing special or of anyone else's interest is going on.

But there was that one time when Mr. Riddle relayed to me, that he heard I made Chris's "favorite person" list. ONE OF MY GREATEST TRIUMPHS THIS YEAR, MIGHT I ADD.

God, today was just so flipping great.
I don't even remember the rest of it.
I think I bombed that chem test. I put down stupid answers for some things I knew the answers to, but just couldn't focus on enough to realize it until after class. Damn.

Reminder: Prinnies, dood. lol

I don't even know what else to say.

I seriously need to work on Rappa's paper, she needs to see it tomorrow.

Yeah, okay, goodnight world <3

CHRIS! CHRIS, WHAT THE HELL CHRIS, WHAT THE FUCK

Oh my God he just bought two tickets to see the Legend of Zelda Symphony at the Bob Carr asdfghjkl; I AM DYING OHMYGOD

BUT

BUT

the catch: he is obligated to ask his girlfriend to accompany him first.

ugghhhh

But I mean, it's just courtesy.
I doubt she'd appreciate it if he went with me without even asking her.

Even though I'm the one who told him about it, and would definitely appreciate it. I don't know her, but I think I'd appreciate it more than she.
Because, I mean, it's fucking Legend of Zelda.

Forget writing a blog about today. I was going to, but all things were overshadowed by this.

I really hope Clara isn't legitimately upset about Chris. I mean.............yeah. I like him.
Again, I'm obviously not going to pursue anything. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to gush over him with my friends. Particularly after tonight.

Omg I don't even know what to do or how to feel right now. At this moment in time, I might just be a little in love with him.
But I mean, it's only temporary, right? He's just a really good friend, a really fuckin' badass friend, who bought me a ticket to see the Zelda symphony. I mean, it might not end up going to me, if his girlfriend wants to go, but hey now, we know he bought it with me in mind.




Omggggggg.

"Happy Valentine's Day"

Today, I got a bear from Clara <3 But I didn't get her anything
I'm a terrible Valentine.
This bear is super fluffy though.
His name is Dale. His name is Ted Dale d'Ottinger (I have no idea how to spell that lol).
I luff him.

Today I had another freak out session in second period. I don't know what to call them. Panic attacks or anxiety or something? Yesterday it was really bad, I was essentially throwing a tantrum in the practice room because of everything I was feeling and my inability to express it without destroying something. Yeah, I cried a little. Not, like, flowing tears, but I teared up, which in my world constitutes crying. Because if my eyes tear up anywhere where people can see it (not in my bed or my bathroom), it must be really bad. And it was. I was flipping out. My heart was freaking out, my brain was screaming, I couldn't breathe, it was really weird and freaky. Definitely an overreaction to my complete mortification.
Today it was me freaking out over not having my songs down. I couldn't do it. I tried to practice over the weekend and couldn't do it, and I couldn't do it today. I couldn't stay in tune, I couldn't stay in key, I couldn't breathe, everything sounded scratchy, nothing was coming together, I was running out of time (no offense Rachel, it wasn't your fault), and I was failing, I was failing, I was failing and failing quickly and without hope. So yeah. I broke down again, right before choir. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, but I did.


After choir, I talked to Mr. Riddle. He ran through one of my songs really quick, told me to have more fun with it and stop being "so damn perfect" and just sing out, make mistakes. Everything he usually says, that I say, but can't bring myself to do.


My self-esteem lately has been off the charts.
On the bottom end.
But, moving on. After mentally passing out in calculus, things started looking up, and rapidly.

Today, I got candy from Chris.
That doesn't actually mean anything, at least nothing significant, but it was a nice gesture. He had extra candy from when he asked Kade for one and he gave him, like, three, so the fact that he gave me one was just nice.

Today I sat down and got to chill with Jack for a few minutes. Just him and me. We talked about Daniel, and how we miss the hell out of him. We talked about Erin...their relationship is not really anyone's business, so I don't know how much I can share on here. But we did talk about it, and her. I was curious to know if she ever was unsure or suspicious of me, being so close to Jack. Apparently she was, at one point, but hopefully that has passed. I like Erin, and she and Jack are cute together. But sometimes she looks unhappy, and sometimes Jack doesn't know how to read her, or he does and doesn't know what to do. However things turn out by graduation and beyond, for both of them I hope for the best.

I'm pretty sure Jack was making fun of me about Chris earlier. But in a friendly way. It was funny, and kind of nice--almost a relief--that he's so understanding, and not pushy. I'm obviously not going to pursue anything with Chris, and am totally fine with it. That Jack understands that is actually really comforting. Even though we don't talk a lot, he still understands me. And maybe always will. I don't think I've told him, but he's always been surprisingly good about that. About me.

Anyway.
I think about this romance stuff way too often, for someone who is generally not interested in a relationship.
Yeah, I have those times when I think and say I want a boyfriend, but if we dig to the bone, I won't whole-heartedly want a relationship unless my whole heart (or enough of it) is set on one person, whose heart is also set on me.
And surely that won't happen for a while. At the very least, not until after graduation and I've become accustomed to whatever are my new surroundings.

Chamber choir was really good today, I forgot to leave early for my freshly baked cookies. Also, when I finally got out of chamber, long after everyone had rushed out, after Mr. Riddle gave me a quick French diction lesson, I went out to my car to find Clara. Who opened the door of her car to reveal a spiff-looking Sammy.

GOD SAMMY, YOU ARE SO ATTRACTIVE. YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING, AND YOU DRESS SO WELL, AND SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

lol i love you, Sammy.

And then we listened to some Legend of Zelda, and some Ministry of Magic, and the elephant song!
But I had to rush home to my cookies.
But they, of course, were already cool once I got home. But they were still yummy, and I wasn't going to mope about it. I could tell they'd be really good with milk, anyway.

Can I have cookies for breakfast? When no one's looking? Because my parents would not approve if they saw.

I got home to an amazing dinner. My mom went all out. Like, cookies AND brownies. And dinner with the rice and the something-shrimp-dish-the-name-of-which-I-don't-care-to-remember, and asparagus, and this steak and mushroom and onions thing, AND salad, and this cheese bread stuff, and it was just all SO GOOD. I couldn't even have cookies after dinner (I had a couple before) because I ate so much.

I haven't done any of my work yet. But all in all, this has been a very good Singles Awareness Day.
I hope your Valentine's Day went well, too. <3

Today was sad and embarrassing.

An appropriate followup to the pathetic turnout of last weekend (yesterday). I feel like I screwed up a lot today, in front of people whose opinions matter to me. I mean they don't, but they do.
They matter when they hurt.

Today had its good moments. And all in all, I'd want the good to overshadow all the bad mood that was today. But as long as I'm trying to keep track of my days, I've gotta go by the face I bring home to the mirror.
And the mirror tells me I am tired, and sad.

Oreos and milk are a beautiful thing. Talking with Mrs. Shoemaker was nice, really nice. Finding Jocelyn, Sammy, and Clara outside by the cars was also nice. They're not judging me, hopefully.

I feel like............am I paranoid?

I don't know. Lately I've just been so much more insecure. It's a feeling that builds on itself that only makes itself worse by existing.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you. And not just people you know, or don't know, it's the people you kind of know, or know enough, and they think they know you.
It's one thing to be up on a stage in front of people you don't know and who don't know you, and letting them judge you, because you know who you are, what you're doing and why, and they don't.
It's a similar thing to be obnoxious in your spare time, or in your class with your friends, and be judged by the students around you. They don't know you, or don't care. Whatever they think of you now won't matter later.

It's a completely different thing to be judged, especially negatively, by people you don't know all that well, but have wanted to. People you respect. People who don't know you, but think they do. They don't know you, but they think they know you enough to pass judgment, and there's a certain unwanted finality to it, a prejudice they will hold against you forever, or until it is buried under some recurring contradictory fact.
It's different when you want them to look at you like they are impressed, or like they like you or are interested in you, and instead you imagine the disdain in their eyes, in their voices, in their minds, or the pleasure they get in you saying the wrong thing and making a fool out of yourself. Particularly in a semi-professional environment where you just want to be respected for what you do, and you say exactly the wrong thing and you sound like a fucking pretentious idiot who shouldn't even be there and don't know anything about what you're doing.

Damn it, I do that all the time in front of the same people and I can't tell if they have lost all respect for me or what, but all I can do is try to redeem myself but I am so much more self-conscious that I keep stumbling over myself and making the same mistakes, worse and worse, again and again.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you.
It's a terrible feeling, to be ashamed of oneself.

I've gotta get out of here.
I only ever want to interact with my friends and family, the ones that don't judge me, don't ask me questions, don't expect anything from me. I only want to be happy, with them.

I'm so hungry right now, it's sad.

Tonight, I am discontent.

I am unhappy, and I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I have the vague feeling that I fucked myself over many times this weekend, but I didn't really do anything.
...Maybe that's just it.

I feel like if I'm working so hard to get into Ringling, if/once I'm accepted, I should just go, right?
But no, that's not how decision-making works.

But, I mean, if I wanna go somewhere where I don't really know anyone, art schools the place to go.

I'm so tired of this place and almost everyone in it.
I mean, some of you guys...I love you guys. And when I'm around you, I don't want to lose you.
But when I spend a weekend alone, it all feels forgettable. I'm not saying I want to forget. I just do, and I'm left feeling detached from everything worthwhile around here.

I never thought I'd be that person.

Caught up late. Sent to bed.
Goodnight.