Saturday, December 31, 2011

Really, it's so dumb.

All of it. I have all these words, all these thoughts, about to burst out of me, that I need to take up my abandoned blog again, just to write them all down. When none of it really matters, in the long-run.

Bottom line, my friends are my friends. Clara, Michael, Abel, Julian. They're all my friends. I shouldn't be trying to analyze what's wrong or what's right with our relationships. I'm just supposed to care about them and be there when they want me. If that's always, I'll do my best. If it's never, well, fine by me.

If Clara wants to go to a museum with me, I want to go, too.

If Michael doesn't care to have me in his life anymore, so be it. He's always welcome in mine.

If Abel doesn't spare me a thought, that's fine. He's just another boy. I'll see him again soon enough. There will be plenty of time for us in the future, if we find something worth pursuing.

If Julian only needs someone who will never give up on him, well, he's got it. It's silly for me to think I can get him out of my life anytime before graduation. Plus, I think it says something, how we don't talk or hang out that much, but we're still close. As much bullshit as I have taken from him, it really doesn't matter. I should know I can't take him seriously. He doesn't do it on purpose. I'm not just being easy on him; everything is as much my fault as it is his. I've been telling myself I shouldn't have to deal with it, with him, but in the end, the only one who's been making me, was me. I really don't have to take his crap. I don't have to take his crap to be his friend.
I don't want to lose him, if I don't have to. I don't want him out of my life, any sooner than he has to be.

And that's just how it is.

Everything's going to be all right, and I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, the rest of senior year. Keep on.

Happy New Year, everyone.

"still *love you. Even if you're a dick"

"That kinda makes it worse! I feel like I'm this awful creature that doesn't deserve anything from you"

"Oh. Well, sucks for you, because I don't think I could ever hate you. It's hard enough to stay mad at you, since I forgive you for everything like a day later"


"I'm sorrryyyy c:"

":P <3"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I will not be your goddamn teacup pig.

I don't mean a thing to you; why should I let you use me

Monday, December 26, 2011

I had a fine Christmas.

To: M. de Torres
Subject: Re: Saw this and thought of you



 - Daniel Schaub

To: Daniel Schaub
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2011 9:26 PM
Subject: Saw this and thought of you

Saturday, December 24, 2011

As copied and pasted from my tumblr!

Screw you. You need to stop motherfuckin’ messing with me, because I actually fucking care about you and what you do, and I have been waiting for years for you to man up, grow up, and find a girl who is actually worth your time, but instead I have watched you pursue substandard relationships and sell yourself short. At this point, I can’t tell what or whom is “worth your time”, considering the extent to which you have let yourself depreciate. I was wrong; I don’t think I would let you in again. Because you never fail to piss me off afterwards, and I’m done walking into the same old trap. I don’t need you, and you add nothing to my life but excess grief.

bullshit, all of it.

Clara and Michael are my friends. I'm not willing to let that go just because we're not "together".

Fuck Julian. I will always be attracted to him. I refuse to be around him enough to consistently loathe him, as easy as that would be. I want to remember him by all his attributes that I admired or loved, and even the characteristics that irked me, or made me wince. The things that made him Julian, in my mind.
I don't really care to remember anything else, or pursue any new memories.
Now, I don't know how long that resolution will last; if history serves as any indication, I obviously find him irresistible. But any sort of long term future with him is clearly--as it has been--out of the question.

Most likely, Abel don't give shit about me. So. Yeah.
He was actually supposed to come over today, with his sister and Parker. From Jacksonville. But he stayed behind. Ugh. I wasn't originally expecting him, but since last night when they said he was coming, I excited. And nervous. It was actually pretty embarrassing. And then...he didn't come. And I was all the more disappointed. I was actually legitimately upset. I told Meghon, and Abby, and Parker. I just complained. I couldn't hold it in.
And you know what? I hope he does feel bad.
Maybe, if he actually likes me even a little, he might try to make it up to me somehow. The thing is, I know he probably won't. But that's fine, too. At least I'll know.

Why can't I just stick to my original plan of remaining single until college, and maybe even beyond?
I feel like that's the most stable, and smartest plan.

Friday, December 23, 2011

so many words, just gotta get them out

"If it ain't true, it ain't you"! Not gonna lie, I laughed much harder than I thought I might. But you're right.

It's just all weird.

This morning, I broke up with my fake girlfriend. I was with her when she had a crush on my lesbian friend, who would flirt with her and lead her on, unintentionally, because she was hung up on her ex (whom she had dated for nearly three years). I was with her when said lesbian friend got back together with her ex, which probably stung a lot. I was with her when she had a crush on her straight best friend, which is obviously a dead end. When she proposed we "date", I told her at the beginning I didn't want to lead her on. She understood, and I was initially pretty excited about this playful, not serious dating. But it was starting to sound like she was wishing it was real. And I was/am starting to develop feelings for someone else (a guy). So, I had to break up with her.
She replied with, oh, she was only joking, so it was kind of awkward that I was breaking up with her for those reasons.
I told her, I wasn't joking. Because, fake dating or not, it felt wrong, to be liking someone while "dating" someone else. And because I couldn't help the one, I had to end the other.

Abel. I am developing these "feelings" for Abel.
But you know what? He's probably nothing. He's probably a false alarm. He's extremely attractive. He's basically everything I want in a guy, rolled into one. But he doesn't live around here, I'm rarely going to see him,so he's basically not even real. And I've been thinking, my brother and his sister just got married. And they're both 23. I'm 18, he's 16-almost-17. If I were to pursue this, I thought...we're a little early. We don't have to rush this. What if it's not a good time? If we were to get married at early twenties like our siblings, what if we don't last that long? But then I remembered, my brother and his sister were dating for 5 years. That's from age 18. We're pretty much right there.
I started thinking, you know...maybe we could make it?
But then I remembered, who am I kidding? I'm terrible with relationships. I'm terrible at being a girlfriend. I've little to no desire to get married. Why should I do this, and ruin what will hopefully be a lifelong friendship? We are practically family; what kind of chance do I think I have?

Speaking of marriage. I just had to divorce my "facebook husband"...which sounds pathetic, because it obviously wasn't real, he's openly gay. But we were really close before he graduated last year, so we were married as, like, the last tie keeping us together. At least, that's how I felt it. And now that tie is gone.
So he's got a boyfriend (which is great, his boyfriend is really nice). But I saw him today for the first time in four months, and it just felt like....there was nothing left. I mean, this is gonna sound absolutely stupid, but I love him very strongly, in a very unusual way. Like, more than friends, but not so much "in love" with him. Like, yes, but no, not at all. still kind of hurts, in my heart, just to look at him. It's kind of like a weird sort of want. Like he is something that I might have had, but have accepted that I never will. No, it's not exactly that.....but that's really the closest I can get to describing it. Knowing and loving him has taught me a lot about who I am, and it created this unique connection between us that, most likely, only I can feel. It's always been completely one-sided.
He was a big part of making me who I am today, so the fact that that part of my life, in which he had such a large role, is pretty much officially over...I guess it was just thoroughly disappointing.

FINALLY. Fuckin'. Julian. I have no idea what he's thinking. I have no idea what I am thinking. I thought I was over him. I think I am over him. If I step back, and take an impression of every thought I've ever given him, collectively, over the past four years, he has made me more sad than happy.
Yet. When he touches me. Or talks to me. Or plays with my hair. Or winks at me. Or even fucking looks my way. He can somehow still make me happy. Even amongst the guys (and girls) I have had in my life for the past four years, even considering those I have dated, Julian is honestly the only one who has consistently given me butterflies. I don't get butterflies a lot. But with Julian, I admit, I've gotten them. Really. Bad.
Fluttering from my stomach, to my chest, to the palms of my hands and the bottoms of my feet, joints shaking, can't sleep, can't breathe, motherfucking butterflies.
No, they haven't been that bad lately. I actually went a couple months actually convinced I was done with him.
Because in September, he kissed me. I kissed him. It happened. Whatever. Nothing happened after that. I've known him since I was six, but that doesn't mean we're that close. Yeah, I can talk to him at any time, about anything, because we've known each other that long, but we don't talk or hang out often. Nothing changed. It was like it never happened.
I thought something might actually happen. Nope, never did.
Until this past Monday.
Oh God, I get nervous just thinking about it. I was going to write about it, but I just can't. It wasn't even a big deal, it really isn't a big deal, the action itself.
It was only a kiss. How did it end up like this?
The memory of it is just something I cannot convey accurately. You cannot know the magnitude of it without feeling what I felt, or feel now, just thinking about it. It's not so much what happened, as it is the fact that it did happen. And the realization that, yes, I would do it again. And again. And I will probably like it every time.
God, I really just don't know what's going on.
I've decided, he's really not good for me at all. I've convinced myself, we really just wouldn't work out.
But that doesn't change the fact that I still think about him every fucking day. If only for a split second. It's still. Every. Fucking. Day.

I seriously think something is wrong with me. I have such obsessive, ritualistic, and analytical/must-pick-everything-apart tendencies. And it's driving me insane, about all this shit that clearly only exists in my mind.

The one that has been dormant, that was put to rest by me, since the end of last school year, that I wanted to keep that way for as long as possible, but that obviously has no obligation to yield to my will. My feelings are not under my control.
But, why should I ever have expected them to be?
I'm losing my mind, this stuff is the stuff I have the most trouble dealing with.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I think I'm going to turn this into my bullshit "private"ish blog.

Because it's no longer safe to post ultra personal things on my tumblr.

I hope you don't care.

I really just need a place to spill out the thoughts in which I am drowning. I just need some sort of reprieve from this fog.
Have you ever gotten sucked in so deep into all the shit in your mind that it pulls you into sleep?
I'm serious, this happens to me. I end up pretty much passing out, into a deep sleep, a sleep for the dead.
I need to get these thoughts out. Or I feel I might die.

And where better to put them, than my journal of "interminable brain spew"? Rather fitting, I should think.

So. Stay tuned for my mental nonsense. Or not. I only ask that you don't publicize what I write, or gossip about it, or tell anyone about this blog. I can be pretty open so long as you are straightforward with me. If there is something you want to know or clear up about anything I write here, come to me directly, and I'll see what I can do.

Until then,