Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Don't know what's wrong with me lately.

The painful effects of letting oneself love are finally kicking in. Signs of withdrawal, loneliness, longing, paranoia, drifting--like flies around my head. But I just keep telling myself, it'll pass. I lasted months with him miles away, yet now a few days without him are killing me. Maybe it's because we don't talk every night. We barely talk during the day, typically a good morning text and a good night text. Maybe it's because July is slipping away and I know when he's leaving and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, only that I'll have to. Because I am not letting him go. I am not letting my hormones, or emotions, or whatever it is that is eating at me, ruin what I have, because when I'm with him, when I talk to him, when I wear my bracelet and snuggle with my stuffed animal, I know we're so worth it.

I just need to keep reminding myself.

Cabin fever, a temporarily disabled mom, and these flames suddenly at my window, knocking on my heart expecting me to let them in's making everything so hard. I hate to hurt people, but it's seems like there's no way I'm not going to. I have Daniel, I just have to hold on to him and keep moving forward.

I need to be with him again soon. Not only am I driving myself insane thinking about him, he is the suddenly the only thing and only one that makes everything feel better. I can't even bring myself to call Kaylee or Rachel anymore. I want to, I'll pick up the phone, I still have their numbers memorized, but all I see is Daniel, and just roll over and just to push everything else out of my mind.

I need to get out of here, and cut the ties that are holding me down. A fresh start, with just the ones I need--family, friends, and beau.

I can't tell if I'm running away from time or trying to run with it, but something's gotta resolve, soon, or I just might lose it.