Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I think I may have just run out of things to say.

Life has been moving forward at something of a constant rate, now. Nothing weird to report, everything good to revel in and remember.

Actually, I'm getting scared. I've wanted so much, and I've waited, and now I have received. It's almost too good to be true, though I know it is real. It's like the past year being away was nothing, we just picked up where we left off. Yet it's like he's another person. No, it's not like that at all. He's the same person, he's familiar and safe, and I know him and trust him entirely. But there's this new dimension to him that I've opened, that is bright and inviting and adventurous. And I want to be with him every moment, and get to know him all over again. I want to explore this new relationship we have, with new boundaries and fallen walls and open doors. He's the same Daniel, but now he's letting me in, pulling me closer. I've never been this close to someone before, on all these different levels. Before, I could talk to him about anything, and he would tell me about himself in turn, and we let each other into our lives bit by bit until it's like we're both really there. Now he's physically here, and I can feel his hand in mine, and his fingers run up and down my skin, and his arm around me and his heartbeat against my ear and our mouths connected and it feels like we can't get close enough.

I'm scared because now we've made it this far. So what happens next?
I don't want to think about him leaving again. I don't know when the next time I'll see him will be. I don't know if this will be it for us, now that we're finally here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to put this away. I intend to enjoy my month with him, and not let the dread of it ending overshadow the time we have. We have so much to get done! At least ten movies, and Lights Out shows. How we're going to cram them all, I don't know. We'll see.

I might not post in this journal again.
I probably will, but it'll be few and far between, and maybe even dwindle all the way down to nothing.
Now that I'm done with high school, now that I'm done with those people and that school and this place, now that I get a fresh start filtering out the people I don't need and just holding close to the people I do, I don't think I want to keep writing. Not here, not anymore. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop living in the future. I need to keep my mirrors up to see both ways, but always stick to what's happening now, and be aware of myself, and the people around me.

And Daniel. I need to focus on me, and Daniel.

This summer is going to be the busiest of all, what with the private ensemble, and my job, and camp, and Daniel. But I'm going to make it the best so far.

In the event that, by the end of the summer, this blog is abandoned forever and maybe even deleted...well, if you're important to me, you'll know how to reach me.

Bye, now.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I said it without realizing how much I meant it.

I have never wanted anything,
not even graduation,
as much as I want him home.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Strawberry Fields, Nothing Is Real

I can't believe this is happening.
I can't remember being so excited for anything in my life.
I went numb, I had no idea how to feel, how to deal with my emotions. My voice was shaky. My words tumbled over themselves on the way to my mouth, and hardly any made it through. I had put the thought away all day, so unprepared was I to face it.
And then he called.

His voice even sounded just a little closer, like he was almost here.
I could imagine him, I could almost feel him next to me.
I'm delusional.

I've had so many things to look forward to.

The cafe was fucking brilliant, best cafe ever. We say that after almost all of them, but this went beyond all others. This was amazing.

God, Robbie is cute. I love him to death and will miss him so much.
And once again, Lauren's endless talents show through in this video.

Ana's recital was amazing. For the first time in the 12 years I've known her, I got to see her really go hard doing what she loves. None of that Golden Girl stuff. I saw her en pointe, and her senior (YOLO!) solo, that crazy modern superhero one, and the grande finale, in which she was the lead. I'm so proud of her, and proud to know her, and be her friend. She is hands down one of the most incredible people I've ever known, body and mind, heart and soul. She's a fascinating and intricate creature, a complex human being. She is beautiful.

Awards tomorrow, and the next day. Baccalaureate, Thursday. Graduation, Saturday, let's go. Party time.
As I've said, I've had so many things to look forward to. I still do.

But this trumps them all.

Waiting just got a hell of a lot harder.
I'm just counting down the days.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I don't even know what to say.

I have so many things to say, and no words to express them.

It's been weeks since I've written, or been able to write.
All I've been doing is talking.
And I've been saying all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

I've been honest, I've been straight forward. I'm not hiding anymore.
But I am wrong, I am guilty, and I am ashamed.


I'm just counting down the days.

End of the year concert. VMAs. Underground cafe. Ana's recital.
That week before graduation--awards, officer training, baccalaureate, and the ceremony. Parties.
I start my job.

Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.

I need June to come and rip me from temptation, to burn the last ties I have to this school and these regrets clawing at my conscience, and to bring to my arms the boy that took my heart.

June can't come soon enough for me.