Actually, I'm getting scared. I've wanted so much, and I've waited, and now I have received. It's almost too good to be true, though I know it is real. It's like the past year being away was nothing, we just picked up where we left off. Yet it's like he's another person. No, it's not like that at all. He's the same person, he's familiar and safe, and I know him and trust him entirely. But there's this new dimension to him that I've opened, that is bright and inviting and adventurous. And I want to be with him every moment, and get to know him all over again. I want to explore this new relationship we have, with new boundaries and fallen walls and open doors. He's the same Daniel, but now he's letting me in, pulling me closer. I've never been this close to someone before, on all these different levels. Before, I could talk to him about anything, and he would tell me about himself in turn, and we let each other into our lives bit by bit until it's like we're both really there. Now he's physically here, and I can feel his hand in mine, and his fingers run up and down my skin, and his arm around me and his heartbeat against my ear and our mouths connected and it feels like we can't get close enough.I'm scared because now we've made it this far. So what happens next?
I don't want to think about him leaving again. I don't know when the next time I'll see him will be. I don't know if this will be it for us, now that we're finally here.
Don't get me wrong, I'm going to put this away. I intend to enjoy my month with him, and not let the dread of it ending overshadow the time we have. We have so much to get done! At least ten movies, and Lights Out shows. How we're going to cram them all, I don't know. We'll see.
I might not post in this journal again.
I probably will, but it'll be few and far between, and maybe even dwindle all the way down to nothing.
Now that I'm done with high school, now that I'm done with those people and that school and this place, now that I get a fresh start filtering out the people I don't need and just holding close to the people I do, I don't think I want to keep writing. Not here, not anymore. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop living in the future. I need to keep my mirrors up to see both ways, but always stick to what's happening now, and be aware of myself, and the people around me.
And Daniel. I need to focus on me, and Daniel.
This summer is going to be the busiest of all, what with the private ensemble, and my job, and camp, and Daniel. But I'm going to make it the best so far.
In the event that, by the end of the summer, this blog is abandoned forever and maybe even deleted...well, if you're important to me, you'll know how to reach me.
Bye, now.
M
