Sunday, June 24, 2012

"Never" is a hard word to swallow.

"Never" is a big word. I don't take well to absolutes. "Always". "Never". I guess it makes relationships a little weird to me, the whole concept of them. Or at least, of them happening so young. Especially as someone who didn't spend her childhood dreaming of settling. Young marriage, young family. Commitment to one person, one idea, one thing. That wasn't me. That isn't me.

As I mentioned before, camp reminded me of that--possibilities. I'm thinking of Michelle and John. Tiffani and David. Then I'm thinking of me. Carlos, Jacob, Zaylin.
I had a dream last night involving Julian.
And then I wake up, and it's all about Daniel again. I remember what Julian and I talked about right before graduation. "We could've had a lot of fun this year", "We can still have fun", "This isn't a good time for either of us", "When we're both available to each other, I would love to..."
And I think about Daniel.
And I thought about all these guys, the things I remember about them, like their faces and their voices, and in my mind I applied in big red letters: "never"
I might never know what it's like to be with them--not just them as people, but them as a concept. Any other guy I might meet in the future. Never again.

Why? Because, Daniel.

"Always" with one person always scared me, because it applies "never" to everyone else.
But with Daniel, it's a little different. Less scary. More promising.
He makes me want things I didn't want. To live. He makes me want to do everything in the world. He makes me want to dream big, to travel and see and try new things. To know what it's like, to get married, to have a family, to have a grown-up life of my own. I think it's my desire for him to stay that is coming up with these fantasies. As if my idea of marrying him will anchor him to me, to this side of the world. I can go to work and come home to him every day, knowing he's not going anywhere. I could spend my nights and mornings with him without the shame of being desperate teenage lovers. He makes me want to grow up. With him.

Of course, I'm not in a hurry to get married; that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just such an interesting feeling.

I don't know if this will last forever, but as of right now, I wish it would. I'm ready to say, I'm kind of in love with him. And he's kind of totally in love with me, which will likely always be difficult for me to believe, although I want so much for it to be true. But he is possibly the greatest thing to have happened to me in my life, not exaggerating. Especially at this time of my life, after the disasters of high school and in the face of the fears of the future.

I don't want him to leave me. I don't ever want to leave him. I never want to hurt him. That's how I feel right now. "Never".

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