"Breathing is for n00bs."

He said it so casually, I almost died inside.

I always forget what I'm going to write when he's sitting right there, on the other end of the screen. Which may as well be the other end of the world.

My mind just clears itself of all other thoughts, but that one. "Everything is going to be just fine."

14/30

My first thoughts when I got the heart monitor were, "Aw fuck, this is gonna suck balls."
Then I actually wore it, and thought, "You know what? This isn't all that bad."
And then all the times I have to take it off and put it back on came, and I'm right back to, "Aww, this sucks."

Mostly because of the scabbed skin over my ribs, and the perpetual redness around my collarbone. Ugh.


Company songbook, I can't get it out of my head. I'm so excited for tomorrow, for a new day, with second period 50 minutes in the music room, just to play around and make music.
Mrs. Rabe-meyer is coming in, though. That's intimidating. I'd better nail that high A.



Daniel is watching a movie tonight. I wonder if he'll be done before midnight?

I interacted with Jack today. I don't know how it went, but it happened, and well, that's a start.
It turns out he was sitting by himself on the bus up until the last people boarded. I wonder why?
We probably could have used 40 minutes to ourselves to sort things out. And somewhere in me I wish that was the reason. But I know it's probably not. If there was a reason at all, it had nothing to do with me. I'm not that special to him.

Also, I can't tell if he's actually a little jealous of how much Daniel and I communicate now. But surely it's not a total surprise? We were his best friends, the both of us. We still are.

As far as these boys go, I just can't wait to graduate and leave.




I wanna write about today but I really just feel like I can't remember all that happened. There's no lingering feelings, everything is moving forward and looking forward for tomorrow. That's the feeling I've been getting lately. It's not so much as amnesia, but immediate "getting-over-it". This excitement doesn't stick, although I know it's still there.

All I can say is,
OMG concert choir is going to state! ajdhakjshfk.asjfkshdkahsdkahsdkhaj
This is my senior year. This is a big fuckin' ass deal. I've been in this choir for four years and have helped build it to what it is today, and I will not miss the opportunity to go to state MPA as a choir. We made it, finally we made it. And we're gonna work our rear ends off to do well.

...And we're going to learn the "Daniel, Daniel" spiritual. Eat my heart out, okay.



I'm actually really sleeping all of a sudden. And I still have to look over some math concepts! Whatever. Goodnight.

And it really is a good night!

This is rough.

I thought I would've talked to you today. I approached you, I played it in my head, I had the words. But I just couldn't say anything. I'm blowing this way out of proportion.
It's just......I stepped through the door. That's what really pisses me off. I completely, knowingly, stepped over the line. And it's hard to go back from that, and even if you can, you know where you've been, and where you've failed.

Maybe this is me telling me, it's better to move forward? Or that it's the only way to go?


"If that means there's not a place in my life for you, or someone like you, is it sad? Sure. But it's a sadness I chose."

If only I could face it. But I don't want to choose this sadness, I still want you in my life. Just not like this. This isn't fair.



But hey. What about that awesome feeling when you realize something in your life is right?
Something new, or different, that actually makes you happy, in spite of yourself?

When you've had a day of discomfort--you're ill, you're starting your period, you're dehydrated and sleep-deprived, you aren't breathing properly, your math test was brutal, you're not where you want to be in your work, deadlines are approaching and you're losing your mind...

When you've had a day of disappointment after disappointment, and you think......."You know what I can look forward to? My nightly skype call with a friend."
And then it happens......and not 20 minutes into it, he has to go for the night.

You would think it would crush you. But the truth is it doesn't matter because you still got to see him, and he still got to see you, and you both still got to see how happy you make each other just for Being Alive.
It wasn't a disappointment that he had to go. I'll see him tomorrow. It was just the highlight of my day, to talk to him at all.


Song of the night: "We Will Rock You", by Queen. xD


On the bright side, it makes it easier for me to go to bed on time, anyway. We won't have to go through excruciating goodbyes hours earlier than usual. Those never work. This is much more convenient.

Hardcore study time, then hopefully a good night's sleep.
Tonight is turning out just fine.

The only thing I put before me, is "do, re".

If you'd have told me the truth, we'd be okay.

March 26, 2AM

Play that funky music, white boy. x)

Prom was overall a chill experience, and one I don't regret in the least. There are some things I wish I had done or said, but nothing unbearably wrong.
Jack is a mystery to me, and not one I'm particularly interested in pursuing. I mean, I am.....but something tells me it's just not worth it. And it'd probably be better for both of us if I let it go.

Chris and Carolyn are too cute for my to harbor any negative feelings toward either. Seeing them so happy made me so happy.

And so did texting Daniel Schaub. I really like this Daniel, this more talkative, open Daniel, with the same sense of humor, the same personality, but now we actually get to see it most of the time, instead of having to coax it out of him. And where he's now more out there, he's generally calmer, like his energy is properly disbursed. I don't know, it's fascinating and alluring and heartwarming at the same time, to see the same Daniel in a new light. Especially seeing Daniel at all.

I'm on skype with him right now actually. He went to brush his teeth, so I was able to write this. I couldn't think of what to write when he was around. xP Actually, he's back now, and I don't remember what else to write. It's 2:07 AM on a night when I'd planned to sleep at 11PM. I'm up talking to him, like I have for the past few nights not including prom, and it's nigh impossible to think of anything else. I don't know how he does it.

He's still humming "play that funky music white boy" LOL. We had a jam session a minute ago. Right after we jammed to the YMCA. Next is Mambo #5, and sleep.....if we can manage to let each other go for the night.

Until next time~

I think I feel more betrayed than anything.

I don't know you like I thought I did.

TRUST NO ONE

I didn't know I could be this mad at someone. Or at least, not you.

I can't believe you. I don't even know if I should blame you, or just myself for falling for it. Probably even making it up.
Because that's all I ever do.
I guess I try to will stuff to happen, and think it's happening, but it's not, and I'm left at a cliffhanger, because I took the wrong path.

You know what? I actually thought, maybe if we were as good of friends as I thought we were, you would've told me about this. In not telling me, aren't you saying something else? Something louder, and worse? Something like, "I don't really trust you", or even "I actually do know how you feel, but I'm not going to face it because maybe if I don't it'll just go away".

THIS IS NOT OKAY. IT IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

The thing is, I'm not just mad. This isn't the normal, just me being mad. I am mad at you.
I don't know if I have the right to be, but right now, I don't fucking care.
Actually, big-picture, maybe I don't. But right now, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT.

Because whether or not you realized it, you did lead me on.

I'M SICK OF BEING PLAYED,
BUT I'M SO FUCKING EASY.

DAMN EVERYTHING.

My unhappiness is all my own.
You probably don't even know.
You probably won't even find out.

Were you blind?

Or did you pull a Mona and get scared?

I actually pushed this one, I did. For once, I did put my heart on it, and I did it rashly and against all better judgment, because I didn't want to lose this opportunity. I thought maybe I had it. I still think that, even now.

But less than a month later, it turns out, I was wrong. And it's obvious that a happy relationship with someone I actually know and trust simply will not happen this year.



That being said, here it is:
Fuck you. The end.

Another update

I feel like, I am Bobby. I heard "Marry Me a Little" for the first time, watching Company in second period, and thought: "Oh my...this is exactly me. This is where I am, and what I think."And even then I knew.

"Your problem is, you want too little. That's the hardest thing in the world to get."


My obsession with this musical is starting to make a little sense.

---------------------------------------------------------------



Today was pretty chill,
 up until the assembly where I was reminded that a lot of our generation is lost. Fucking children need to grow up. And then I get mad at their parents for forgetting to teach their kids respect. I know I'm not perfect, but relative to a lot of these kids, I'm very respectful. I look like a freaking angel. And I know that's not the case, so to say they're worse than me......it's really just shameful. I hate the fact that I'm using that word, but that's where it is! Wow, I'm turning into a manufactured product of my family. Okay.



Julian's at it again, prodding at my heart. But this time, I know how to receive it. I'm in control, and my judgment is clear, and I don't intend to make the same mistakes.

Chris is so funny and charming, but it's all in good fun.

I'm getting so much better at not being annoyed with Lauren. I love her to death, so every time I go through an angry phase, I feel really bad because she's always available to take it out on. And she takes it. She adores me, which is endlessly flattering and kind of heart-breaking because I think I'm a terrible role model. She's already such a good person, and so responsible. I don't say this about a lot of people, but she'll surely do well with herself. She's so self-driven and independent, and she takes care of herself and her family. In this way, I look up to her.

It's reached the point where I get perceptively excited when I realize I'll be seeing Jon soon.
No, you don't understand. I'm typically very cool about Jon. That's our relationship, we're so chill.
But it's been a while and I've been a little bit of a physical/mental/emotional wreck lately with school and college and all, and when Shannon talked about sitting on the bus together, and mentioned Jon, I literally flipped. The schoolgirl squeal and everything. I instantly realized how bad it had gotten, I never get that far with Jon. I ought to tell him how much I miss him, for it to have gotten this bad. Not that I don't text him periodically about missing him.

Talking to Daniel has really picked up, from not-at-all to wow-he's-suddenly-the-single-person-I-text-the-most.
In fact, here's a text now. He sent me an email. I believe I shall check it!
God, I love him.
Kaylee, you were so fucking right, he was on my list. I may have put my list aside now, now that I may or may not have my heart set on somebody, but if he were around, ohhhhh he'd be on there.
And he's growing up so much! He asked that one girl on a date. I wonder how that went. The way he told me, he "sort of" asked her out, but it "wasn't the same". He also may or may not have called me hot at one point :x That was interesting, but we kind of let it slide and just kept talking. Since that incident, I've kind of been analyzing his texts now, and my conclusion is that he may be being a little flirty. Not much at all, but there's a little bit there. It's probably just the natural joking nature coming off as flirty.

Although I guess it's hard to avoid when all I ever do is flirt. I'd honestly stop, but I guess it's just the way I talk. The only way to avoid it is to never talk to me lol.

AWW, he sent me pictures from his birthday! He even looks older. Only a very little bit though. Like a young man. In his glasses, I could even understand he's a senior in high school. I could see him becoming a college student soon. Yeah. He's getting there.

A'ight, gonna reply now. Gotta get off blogger, too, and write a one page essay (or find one that I might've already written??) for the scholarship due by 7:30AM tomorrow.
Oh crap, NHS meeting too.

Dang it, why did I procrastinate so much?

"What do you get?"

The longing is so much more acute when you are aware of being human, of having feelings, of having needs.
I hate being so dependent on everybody, on attention, on praise. Being needy.

Yet, here I am again, wanting more.



It's too soon, and it's too late.

"Don't be afraid it won't be perfect! The only thing to be afraid of really is that it won't be."

I am afraid. I don't think I've ever felt this way, with anyone else, before.
I don't even know what it is I feel. I'm not saying I'm "in love", or have "developed feelings" or anything like that. It's much more like a realization, of something I've had and known for a long time but never shed light on, or appreciated as much as I should have.

What I've known: You're one of my best friends. What I've realized: I don't want to live without you.

Daniel Patrick Schaub.

I miss him so fucking much.

But on a better note,

I had a "splendiferous", "awesometabulous" day with my family yesterday, exploring FSU.

It's a lovely school.

I might even go there next year.

It being relatively far away, almost four hours to drive, the distance isn't so bad.
I'll make new friends, I'll have virtually a new start.

And as for old friends...I'm not going to fight for a place in their lives that I can't so much as keep warm.

The ones that really matter
my real friends
will keep in touch, and I'll return the favor.

I don't want to look at it anymore as me against them. I don't want to blame myself or the other side for something that falls apart. What we have is a relationship, which requires the attention of both sides. It's me and them. Maybe, we can work something out.

I'm not a terrible person. I'm just trying to live my life.

"You've always been a terrible friend."

Well, for one, there's no way this doesn't make you a hypocrite. Particularly the fact that it was sent anonymously, because that rules out the possibility that you're a friend trying to tell me something about myself that I need to know, that I could improve. Now you're just a person tearing me down, which I qualify as an act of a terrible friend. So...well, right back atcha.

Two, I already knew that. I say it all the time. Doesn't mean I'm not taking this to heart, and doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Congratulations, you hurt me. That's what you wanted, yes?
It's harder when it's anonymous. Then I just imagine the faces of everyone I've hurt. And that's a lot of old scars to irritate.

But three, I didn't need this, but I will take it anyway, as a reminder.
I know I've been a terrible friend. I'm self-absorbed and live in a movie. Nothing is real and none of the characters matter. I'm the manic pixie dream girl that comes into your life just to leave it later. I don't mean for it, but in expecting it, I lessen the possibility of actually saving a relationship.

I get it. I'm a terrible friend. I've hurt many people along the way. I always go after the ones that don't want me, and leave the ones that love me behind. I know, and I'm endlessly sorry.

But I also know that I can't go back, and neither can you. I don't know who you are, but if we're currently not friends anymore, there's probably a reason for that. It's honestly sad that you haven't moved on (I've been there, I know) but I can tell you now that I have, and you'll feel better once you do.

I hope this, or your own message, has given you some sort of closure.
Some sort of satisfaction.
So that we might say that at least one of us benefited from it.

I survived my first "event"!

LOL.

So...I went to a cardiologist today. Everything seems fine, but I get to wear this neat-o monitor box thing that attaches to two little pads, one by my clavicle to the right, and one on my ribs to the left. It beeps sometimes and stuff. I have to wear it for 30 days. FUN.

But anyway...it's supposed to monitor.......idk. Palpitations? Irregularities?
So, if I feel something wrong or some variation, like my heart starts racing or fluttering or something, I push this button, and it makes noise while it records, and then stores the "event" in the box. When I have three "events" recorded, I get to call the monitor people, and put the box up to the phone--a land line, specifically--and it magically transmits the recordings over the phone. Cool, right?

Sometimes it records automatically, if it senses an event that I can't feel.
That already happened today, at 7:17PM. It beeped, recorded, and did a little ring-tone like diddle to say it was done.
I'm supposed to "sit quietly" and "breathe normally" when it records. I think I was a little too freaked out to do that when it happened. Plus, I had been walking, not sitting, which made it a little more difficult to "sit quietly" and calm down.

What was cool was that it beeped. There's no way to turn the sound off completely, so the best I can do is this beep. If I don't have it on the beep, it makes this TOTES AWK loud fax machine-esque noise that lasts the entire time it's recording. I'm gonna do my best to make sure it's always on the beep setting, but I still just hope it doesn't go off in class. Especially not choir. I intend to take it off the day of MPA (they said I could do that). I also intend to take it off for prom, which, I didn't realize until this afternoon, is next weekend. I had to try on my dress today at this alteration place for this lady to pin so she can hem it later. It was a little awkward because (1) I haven't shaved LOL and (2) I had the weird pad thing by my clavicle showing, just out in the open. I have to replace those every 3 days, so I think the day of prom I'll just keep them off. I should be allowed to do that, right? 28/30 days should be enough to catch these "events" anyway. After all, one's already happened, and it's been less than 12 hours.

Anyway, I have to go walk my dog.
But, just thought I'd record all this.

Hahahaha. Record. Events. Blogging. Trololololol.

I have to finish this paper tonight or tomorrow. O boi~

Hey lady :)

I hope you're wearing sunblock! I bet you burn easily.
But, I mean, most white girls burn easily to me. I take it relatively -w-

The weather was so great today. Hot, but great.
I kind of like it that way. I like that humorous moment of mutual discomfort when you and another person get into the car on a really hot day, and you're both just complaining loudly on the outside and laughing on the inside. I like driving and listening to music and feeling the sun on my arms and the AC on my feet.

This spring break is turning out to be just fine.
I'm not working at the pace I ought to be...except maybe I am?
Maybe I just packed way too much stuff for a simple high school girl to do in one week, without accounting for outings with her mom, doctor's appointments, college visits and just errands. The rest is a lot of lack-of-motivation.
Oh, I have motivation. Just not for this.

I wanna do other things. I want to draw and paint and doodle and make stuff.
This paper is killing me.
I've written, what? One sentence.
It was hard enough picking a topic. Now I actually have to execute it? Jeez, what does this lady expect from me? LOL

 Today I texted Jack and Daniel. The highlights were definitely...when Jack actually texted back. And when Daniel suggested someone make "jerky cereal". And he decided that if you put the dried jerky in milk, it would probably become "juicy meaty nuggets".
...It's been hours and I'm still laughing at that.

Today I also visited Mr. Riddle. It was nice; I got to practice a little on the piano, and I found some old sheet music and had brought it with me. Turns out I didn't completely forget all of it. Practicing is always nice, since I never get to do it at home anymore.

Today I also bought a lot of clothes. You know, I never liked Bell's or Bell's Outlet, but I also never liked summer clothes. Now that I'm somewhat (okay, a lot) more comfortable about the way I look, generally, I looked at tank tops and thought......"Yeah, I could definitely wear those."
And we went to Kohl's, and I saw bright colorful tops and thought......."I could pull that off."

I don't know, I just feel like today was something of an improvement on my person.
This week has been something of an improvement on my person.

And I don't know if I'm just in a happy/"manic" phase, but I really hope I don't drop this and get stuck in the rut again anytime soon.
Especially not with MPA coming up.

Somewhere from the depths of my heart was discovered, an excitement for Festival Disney. An excitement I didn't have last year. I like being a little excited, a little buzzed. I don't want to go thinking I won't have a good time.
I do hope I'll get to hang out with my boys, at least some of the time.

I don't know what's getting into me...about everything...but I don't mind.
I do want to finish all my work before the break ends,
but I also really wanna get back to school.

Actually, I really want it to be summer.
I just want to see faces and hear voices again.

Midnight is always an acceptable time for cereal.

Particularly if you are me, and you love cereal, but don't get to eat it often because no one buys it anymore.
Except, like, Special K. Which is good, for like, a week, but then you get tired and desire more sugary stuff. Like kiddie cereal.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch it is <3333


All day I've been singing the guy part to Dress and Tie.

"Oh, my heart's been tried time and again.
I always thought that it was me, but I see now just how wrong I was.
No, I haven't known you for a lifetime...still somehow I've never been more
sure that you're for me."



.........Now if I could only say that about a college TROLOLOL.

hey guys remember when i

was infatuated with Chris
because he's a gentleman and the drum major, has a golden voice and makes tasteful jokes, and bought me a ticket to the Legend of Zelda symphony?

Yeah, it wasn't so long ago.


But suddenly I'm thinking about
how he's not the one on my mind.
In fact, it looks like he's just leaving.


Because suddenly a boy whom I'm always cared about
is looking at me a little differently
and talking a little more carefully
and maybe sitting a little bit closer.

And I really don't mind.
His hand feels so nice in mine.

It doesn't take much to shoot me over the moon.

I miss you mona<3
Find your cell phone damnit :P
Hope your spring break is going well
We should totally chill one of these days ;)
Text me if you find your phone

Love,
Jack

This is my altar. This is my Witness.

This is my "big stone thingy".

This is where I leave my secrets and sacrifices, my burdens.

It was obvious tonight that I still haven't found my voice, don't yet have the strength to say my prayers out loud, to get on my knees. I don't have my purpose. But my heart was loud and the feeling was real.
When I'm surrounded by people who are so strong in their faith, the question is no longer, "Is this real?"
It's "Am I strong enough?"

I prayed for guidance and stability.
I thanked God for all the people he's placed in my life to pull me back when I drift too far out.
In my family, my sister. My new family, Abby, Meghon, Abel, Claire, and their parents.
And the family I always have when I don't think I do...my friends.

Rachel, you have been the light of God in my life:
you are always around, always helping me and caring for me,
and I have turned away from you and pushed you away and shut you out, because I didn't know what to believe.
I still don't know for sure, but I do want to believe in faith, hope, and love,
and that these things are real and alive in my life.

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself,
and I don't want to feel like no one wants me.

Of course, I'm not going to wake up a totally new person,
with a new heart and new eyes, completely devoted.
Of course, it'll take a lot more to get me there.

But, at least for tomorrow, I am going to see this bracelet and remember
that I have people on my side, and that I have God in my heart.

I will survive this year--
I will still have breakdowns, and meet barriers, but--
I will survive this life,
and when I tell my story,
it won't be about how God saved me from drugs, violence, sex, etc.

It'll be about how God saved me from myself.

anxiety.

I shouldn't be this nervous.
I don't even know what I'm nervous about.

At first it was a little bit, nerves, about going tonight. The idea wasn't sitting well in my stomach. But I cleared that up. I know I want to go, I want to be there. And I want to be there with people I know and trust. I know I'm making this into this huge deal, so much bigger than it ought to be, but maybe for me it is. I need to get back into reality, back into something that isn't just me and a million mirrors. Something with other people, other ideas, other things that I can hold onto and put my hope into. Faith. I want to go tonight.

But that didn't make the nervousness go away.

1:00 is always a little painful. Why? I have no idea. After I eat, there's just always this fluttery, papery feeling of dread, that settles in my stomach. And my heart feels like it's sinking into my stomach, too, resting at the bottom. Kind of like it's broken. Not like somebody has broken it...just, it is broken. At the bottom of my stomach.

And it makes my whole body ache, and I get restless and jittery. My fingers won't stop moving, it's hard to breathe comfortably. I feel like I've got to be doing something, I've gotta be doing something.

I can't focus on anything, it feels like I suddenly have way too much to do.

There's crap all over my room, I started sorting it out this morning which of course always leaves it messier before it gets better. So that clutter sets me on edge. And I have this scholarship that I'm totally failing at, I wish I could just drop it, but Mrs. Shoemaker has been so good about getting me to do it, she's really pulling for me, and I'm here doing everything wrong, turning everything in late. I feel like if it's getting this bad, it looks even worse than if I turned in nothing at all.
I can't do my unit review. I already took the test, there is no motivation. Maybe I'll still do it, later this week? How bad will my grades get if I don't do it? Chris was approaching a B when he didn't do one. How were his test scores? How are my test scores? This is awful, I shouldn't have to think about it, but I don't have the nerve to do it now, I just can't bring myself to. There are too many other things I need to be focusing my time on. Or are there?
My calculus is horrible, I have no idea what's going on ever. I've been doing a lot better at staying awake and taking notes, but I've been doing just as poorly actually understanding the lesson. I look at my notes and don't even remember taking them. I don't have time for this.

I have to write an essay on my career and educational goals for this same scholarship. I have no idea what I'm doing, especially not now.

I think I should just put everything away and eat some ice cream.

I feel awful.

I feel like maybe if I throw up, I'll feel better.

I don't understand that logic at all.

I also just kind of feel like sleeping off the rest of the day.

Part of me doesn't want to have to see anyone again, everyone has all these expectations I'm failing to reach. If I never had to get back to them, I'd be fine, I'd be golden.

But that's really not an option. Plus, I know I won't feel like this forever. Hopefully once I get in the car and get to your place I'll feel much better, and I'll be able to forget about everything, for just tonight.

Oh boy, here are some tears. I'm pathetic.

I need to breathe. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being a sorry-ass human being, and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this, inadvertently.

I feel like tomorrow night, so long as I'm still allowed to go, will be my version of
Roger finally going to the support group with Angel and Collins.

I just need to be with people who are actually doing something right with themselves.

this week was insane.

What even happened?

Monday was sick. Or, I was sick. Not sick like, wow dude that was sick. More like, sick like anemic and sad.

Tuesday was pre-MPA at Weeki Wachee. It went really well...for chorale and concert choir. Chamber choir made me want to throw someone's head through a wall.
Additionally, no solos for Mona. Well, that was a little unfair. But I'm obviously way too passive to do anything about it. I screwed up once in rehearsal, and it was taken away from me.
What-the-fuck-ever though, it wasn't even supposed to be my solo, and it isn't going to be. I may have known it better than the girl who is doing it at MPA--I probably still do--but I clearly didn't know it well enough when it mattered.

I was a little irked...okay, let's be real, I was totally irked on the bus ride up and home. Mostly because of Jack. It feels like we've been on and off this week, connection-wise. We've been disagreeing and either creating or becoming aware of friction, and then finding where we click, and then falling out again. I did feel a little betrayed on the bus when he joined in with the guys hating on my music. I thought Jack liked my music. In fact, I chose a CD with songs that I've shown him, songs that he said he really liked. Sure, we only got to one of them, and that was when Mr. Riddle shot it down. But why did he have to join in? I know, he was probably joking, or else he wouldn't have looked me in the eye and said it. He probably wouldn't have even said it at all. He's not like that. Right?
And then later when he sat next to Haley. And sang that song with her, the one he wanted to sing with me. This part, this isn't a big deal at all, but when you added it to what had happened earlier with the making fun of me part, and me being ridiculously mood-swingy and hormonal, it just sucked.

Actually, sometime in between him slandering my musical taste and leaving me completely...he held my hand again.
And now that I think about it, after we found out about the fancy new bus, I checked my phone and realized he had texted me about it. He had invited me to come be on the bus with him.
I guess these little things are things I ought to remember.

Anyway, on the ride back Tara and I got our minds off our boy problems by listening to explicit rap by a guy who likes Asian girls LOL.

Schoolwork has been shitty, especially doing all that work for the lab and pretty much none of it actually getting to Nick to put into our presentation, and by the time we did present I was way too out of it to remember most of what I did.
Wing'd, and not proud.

Thursday when Mrs. Clark came in. She broke us down. She had to, because we were missing so many things closer to the foundation than the details. To fix the bottom, you've gotta take down all the stuff on top.
At any rate, it gave us a good place to start for Dr. Larson the next morning. Oh my God, everyone loved Dr. Larson. I loved Dr. Larson. I'm a little jealous I won't be studying under him at Stetson, without the regret of not even applying to Stetson.
But he's such an energetic, exciting teacher with an excellent conveyance of ideas. Everyone was so receptive. It was brilliant.

Friday night was.............worth it.
That's all I can describe it as.
It was 50/50 excitement, pride to be there and hard work, vs. rejection by the larger group, tiredness and frustration. The work and the results were so promising, though. Like, it puts the night into perspective. That was our first run, and if we keep this up, we could be great. We could be really good. And we had such fun, and made lovely sound. We had our moments. As a whole, although I went home just bone-tired and a little sad, the whole thing was worth it, and I'll do it again and again.
Although Lauren, Adrian and I may need to practice more than the others, because unlike them, we never have to sing together, and our sounds were not blending the way they ought to. Truth be told, when we played back the recording, the altos did sound fine, but when we were actually singing I could tell it wasn't comfortable. For finnicky me, anyway. Our three voices sound nothing alike, and it made it really hard to lock in. Whatever, we have time to figure this out.

Today has been dumb. I was supposed to do work today, but I've been so tired from this week that all I've really done today is eat and sleep. I've even been eating terribly cliche unhealthy foods, such as pizza for lunch and ice cream for snack. I'm terrible and I feel terrible but I just don't have the mind, heart, or energy to do anything about it.

I think for the rest of the day, if I don't solve the writer's block for the scholarship essay, I'm just gonna keep doing my AP, the one that was due last Monday. I hope he accepts it. Whatever. Ugh.

the mind is the enemy.

I think this is my issue with The Yellow Wallpaper. I just can't get past the obvious part of it--that a woman with too much to think about was given way too much time to think. The entire thing is just a bad idea.

I haven't written in a bit, and I've been writing far from regularly. I just haven't felt like it.
I would feel like it during the day time, but by the time I got home I realized what I had to say didn't matter all that much.
It wasn't anything that would be worth remembering in a day or two, or a month, or ever.

Ironically, I still remember some of it.
Such as:

"You seemed mad at me today. It's okay. I'm mad at me too.
Sometimes I think I don't apologize for being me, because I want you to be a little mad. I feel like I deserve it."

"Was it me you were talking about? Why wouldn't you talk to me? I kind of thought you trusted me more than that...
I don't want to overanalyze it. But if it was me that you and Daphne were whispering about...well, that might be a game-changer.
But with you, I don't intend on backing down."

"Maybe you're just a quiet bus-rider, too. I just hope I wasn't boring you when I left you alone, or bothering you when I did talk. You seemed to enjoy yourself just fine. Sometimes it really feels like we're family, and I like that. Thank you for talking to me and letting me into your life."

"You're a sly fucker, putting your hand on my leg like that. You don't even like me, why are you playing me?"

^Shit like that.

Today's my first time I'm home all day, and my sister's out all day, in Tampa with her friends who go to USF. I basically missed her spring break.
Except for the moments we did hang out, which were pretty golden.
Except when she kept telling me how it takes work to keep good friends, implying that I'm not trying hard enough. I know she was trying to be helpful, but it does take work from both sides. I guess I've been making it hard for anyone to want to be close to me, haven't I? Pushing everyone away, that's all I do regularly, just push everyone away.

I have too much time to think.

When I should be out with friends or family, just doing something, I'm always at home, not getting my homework done, wallowing about stuff that doesn't matter, stuff that I don't even remember later, I just get stuck in it and drag around in it and get deeper and more lost every minute I'm in there.

I don't even remember what I opened this to talk about, exactly.
I just ended up writing about everything I didn't want to think about.
Which is myself.
Which is other people.

Instead of stuff that has happened and how I feel about said stuff.

Here, I'll stop this here and start a new post. Try again.

"Today's really just not a good day."

"It's really not. Y'know, choir? I thought it was terrible. I thought choir was terrible today..." Here he trails off. He's distracted by something someone else said, and stops listening.

"I couldn't sing right at all today," she commented, not adding the fact that she's on her period and her body is screwed over. "Everything sounded weird, but otherwise I thought it was a pretty good rehearsal."

"That story he told us...ugh..." he adds half-heartedly. He's still trying to keep up two conversations at once.

"But it worked, right? That was the most together we'd ever been--"

He turned, suddenly attentive, a somewhat alarmed look on his face. "Wait, what?"

"That was the most together we'd ever been......in the song. The German song."

"Ooohhhh! I was like..." he trailed, embarrassed and apparently not really sure what he was "like".

"Oh, you."

Sometimes I just think I'm good at pointing out the problems with the things presented to me.

And I just wanna say, I am not against marriage. Marriage is a great idea, I understand why it exists today, and I think it's a very special, sacred thing. However, I just don't think it's for everyone. I think it's obviously not for everyone.

company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company company

Everything.

It's like the Fantasticks. "Moderation!" That was the lesson.
They were allowed to be married, and in love. So long as they kept up the wall.

"Marry me a little. Love me just enough. Keep a tender distance."

Everything.

Anyway.

Neither Robbie nor Chris were at school today. Why is life so tough lol.
However, I did become so pro at using the Vernier LabQuest. SO PRO. I might even get it more than Chris now.
I should change our lab report to say I collected data. Or at least helped substantially. Like, 50%.

So my mom has officially signed me up for that FSU music camp this summer. And it turns out Abel's going too.
.............................................OMG SQUEEEEEEEEE. SQUEE MOMENT. THIS IS A SQUEE MOMENT.
Honestly, I'm just happy I'll actually know someone there.

It's a bonus that it's a cute boy, with whom I already have some sort of established relationship. As, you know...the sister of his brother-in-law. Yeah, good enough.
Jealous that I don't get to stay with Abby, though. Why am I so inconvenient.


Pre-MPA at Weeki Wachi tomorrow.

Music Spread Thy Voice Around is haaaarrrrrd. Like, the solo part. My voice is so uncomfortable in that range. A D on an "ah" vowel is so flipping awkward. An E, too, for that matter. Threw that out the window in It Was a Lover and His Lass. Hmm.

My goal is to finish my AP homework this week. Or at worst, email it to him on Saturday. After all, I won't be home a lot this week. Oh boy.

I had a good weekend.

Yet my body and mind insist on feeling awful. It's just one of those times, I guess. I can be fine for a while but by the end of the day I'm in the rut. Ugh.

Friday, if I remember correctly, was somewhat spectacular. Spectacular really is a strong word, and not really accurate, but the only word I seem to be able to think of to describe it as any better than OK, which it was. Er, it was better than OK, that is. But I mean...otherwise it was OK. Egh.
The school day was funny, there were many laughs.
I like splitting my time between lunch tables. I get my time with the girls, my breather from the school day, where I can eat, snooze, chill da fuq out, you know. And then I get to spend time at the guys' table--but let's be honest, I'm only there for Chris and Jack. Well, and kind of to take a breather from the girls' table. Change is nice right around now. Especially with me getting so restless.

Jack hasn't texted or emailed me. Which is fine, he's under no obligation to do so. But it's always weird when someone begins to pick something up regularly and drops it again without warning. Such as...texting or emailing.
Daniel did text me, however, so I really shouldn't complain.

I feel like I shouldn't be putting so much weight into our friendship--mine, and Jack, and Daniel's.
If the two of them both decided to go to USF, would I really just drop everything and go there too?
It's really tempting.
Plus, I'm being overdramatic when I say "drop everything". USF is still an open option, and let's face it, my dad would love it if I went there, because it's so much closer to home than FSU. I think he's convinced I want to get away.
You know, dad? Maybe I'm actually looking out of myself and my future. Maybe there are schools out of an hour's traveling distance that can offer me so much more than what I can get in this little radius you're giving me.

I can't really remember Saturday, I think I just spent a lot of time staring at my computer screen (my homework), not doing anything, and watching the TV behind me with my sister, because she was catching up on Once Upon A Time. Yeah, pretty sure that's all we did all day. Besides house chores.

And then today I went to Orlando to see Meghon and Kuya and Abby. Which was slightly disappointing because instead of dropping me and my sister off and then going shopping, we actually went grocery shopping and errand-running before and after visiting, which probably cut our visit by a few hours, making it impossible to go out and see a movie like we'd wanted to, made us tired, etc. Also, Claire and Abel, even Caleb, had gone to see them yesterday, so we missed them.

How is it possible that the last time I saw them was December 17, 2011?
What happened?
They're supposed to be new family.
This is unacceptable.

You would think that I'd be okay with it because it's not like I'm used to having family around anyway, since hardly any of our family lives anywhere nearby.

But I feel like maybe that's worse, because I'm so much more alone than I have been. I was so excited to have more family, more people in my life...but it really doesn't feel like that's the case anymore.
I thought about it, and I think this is why this year has been so hard on me. I've never had to deal with everything all by myself.
Even now, I don't have to, but I'm not comfortable enough to talk to my friends any more than I always have. I'm used to just keeping to myself, then bloggeringeringering, then talking to my family. I'd gotten used to talking to Meghon last year. But Meghon's married and moved out, my brother is with her, my sister is out with her own life, Meghon's family live scattered in different places all several hours away. Nothing is anchored, nothing is constant, nothing is stable. These are the people I'm supposed to be hanging onto, they're the ones who are supposed to be there always, and they are, but they're not.

Why is coming back to school so hard every week?
Why is being me no longer enough?

Everything is a struggle, everyday is a fight.

10 weeks. Give me strength, give me freedom. 10 more weeks.

THESE WOMEN

Marta, Marta, I just can't. Oh my gosh. I can't.
She's just this outrageous, fervent, young and unafraid character.
And she's supposed to represent the city of New York, isn't she?
I don't know anything firsthand about being in New York, or in any big city really, but this scene does wonders for me.

Her voice is just this powerful, brassy thing. When she dips into her lower notes there's this inviting mystique, and as it heightens it becomes frantic but above all never backs down. The lyrics, the music, her entire performance illustrates glory and frenzy and intrigue, and ever present in her voice is this exciting edge that draws you in, the way a CAUTION sign does. It says to me, the city's not for everyone, but it is a wondrous, enthralling place for those people to whom it calls. Those people like Marta.

"And another hundred people just got off of the train."
She's saying, it could be you. It is me, I'm already there, but you've got to see it for yourself. People are coming here every day, every minute, every few seconds--living it, breathing it, soaking it in or passing it by. It could be you. And, in the case of Bobby, there are so many people...who knows who you'll meet in the mix?

Sondheim is brilliant, and Company--at least this performance of it--is one of the best things I have ever seen.