My clothes have been rearranged today

Got a boxful of garage sale/donation clothes, and now all my house clothes are folded properly on their shelves, my pajamas are separate, my underwear is in a covered drawer in my closet so people don't find them unless they're hardcore snooping, and my hanging clothes are really color-coordinated, not the half-assed stuff my mom was saying earlier LOL. I mean, she didn't even try, she just moved my stuff from the closet in the other room to this one, in chunks. They just happened to be kind of color-coordinated, because I like them that way.

Anyway.

This was a good weekend.

I didn't do any homework though. WHOOPS, let's get to that...

P.S. Abel commented on something I put on his wall! HE NEVER COMMENTS ON ANYTHING, he only ever Likes things. NOT THAT THIS MEANS ANYTHING, I was just astounded that he actually used words lol.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I obsess over guys in my head just to block out guys that I want to get over. It's like pinching and hurting yourself to get your mind off a greater pain, until it becomes the greater pain and the other is long faded, and you yet again need a new wound to fuss over. Whatever.

Channing Tatum (Step Up) married that one girl (Step Up)

I love it when canon romances carry over into reality. It makes everything so much easier on the brain.

I'm watching SNL. Kind of. I mean, I'm paying attention, mostly, even though I'm sitting on the side of the couch where I'm facing the same direction the TV is, so I have to crane around to see it. Lol.

Abel Crossley went from being "in a relationship" to "single."

My reaction was kind of a spit/laugh of disbelief. I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I think I'm really not supposed to feel anything at all. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Speaking of which, I need to stop getting upset over celebrity divorces and laughing at IRL break-ups. Again, something is wrong with me.

Number one reason for me not to get married: my absurd fear of divorce.

Number one reason to have a child/children: to be the best parent I could possibly be for a child. To make sure they are raised in a house of love, and wisdom, and make the world that much better.
Number one reason not to have a child/children: to end up being a terrible parent. To end up like my dad.

Today was, overall, a good day. For me, anyway. Not really as a whole.

Last night my dad went ballistic and threw shit because we cooked the salted pollock instead of the unsalted pollock. The bright side was he obviously lost and we didn't have to deal with him for the rest of the night. My mom and I ended up watching hours to TV together--shows we didn't even watch--just to chill out, until we fell asleep on the couch.

I didn't have to deal with my dad much of the morning, either, which was nice. I feel awful thinking stuff like that is nice. I feel awful remembering that when I was little I learned about divorce, and would fantasize what life would be like if mom and dad got a divorce. I thought it would be grand, that I could just live with my mom and not have to deal with my dad.

That's such a horrible thought. I have serious relationship issues, obviously.

Even so...this morning was nice. It was quiet. I cleaned up and got started on my chores without being nagged. After breakfast my mom and grandma went to pick up medicine from the pharmacy and I kept working. I cleaned and washed my car. I gave my dog a bath. I got stuff done, outside, without being yelled at by my dad. I got to go in and shower and eat dinner and chiilllll.

The not so good part was the tension in the house after my dad got home. At one point everyone was in the kitchen at once, and it was tense as crap. Everyone was talking quietly, treading lightly. I was just trying to act normal.

Whatever, it's over now. Mom and dad went to bed, I'm the only one left awake, to record my thoughts of the day.

I'm eating a box of snack raisins. Well, you know, the raisins in the box. Not the box itself.

What the fuck? I just checked Abel's FB, just to make sure.
His relationship was "FB Official" just yesterday.
AND on February 2nd, his girl wrote on his wall, "Poop."
HEY, on January 15th, I wrote on his wall, "POOP"
Surely it means nothing.
But at the same time, like...WHAT THE HELL.
They'd better really be broken up, or I'm gonna be disappointed.
I really was okay with it, but now that it might be over...you know. Hope, and shit.

There was a Captain Morgan commercial with "Ball and a Biscuit" on it. I enjoyed it.

I feel like there were other random thoughts to put here, but somehow this post became one about my family and relationship problems, and Abel.

I wish I could see him more often. When I'm with him, he essentially eliminates every other boy I even think about. Around here, I'm always looking around, wondering whys and hows. It's gotten to the point where I kind of want a boyfriend, because the only boys around here I'd even consider dating all have girlfriends. Or maybe it's because all my closest guy friends have girlfriends? Or maybe it's a combination because the only guys I'd date are some of my best friends.

Aaaand that particular list is cut short as I'm approaching the point where I'm not willing to date anyone around here before graduation. The exception would be Chris, who is very happy with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for a pretty long time (I can't remember exactly how long). Or Abel, of course, but the graduation deadline doesn't apply for him because I'll be seeing him for the rest of my life. It's just that, as nice as I'm sure it would be to have a boyfriend, I don't want to start anything so late. We'll be gone in a few months, and I need to focus on the future. It really just doesn't seem plausible. Not worth it, even.

But, I mean, will it ever be? For me?

I need to erase everything I think I know about relationships, because at this rate with how I feel, I'll never have anything that lasts.

I need to pee, and I ran out of raisins. I should probably brush my teeth and go to bed.

I don't think of this as a negative post. I'm just being thoughtful.

ACTUALLY, LAST ONE - THIS IS RELEVANT

The youtube for the song I just posted.

A comment: "Why is everyone talking about a scene in a movie?"

They have no idea hahaha.

For no discernible reason.......very possibly my favorite movie of all time.

3 posts, 1 day! Lol.

Just Tuesday, I felt like the world was falling apart.

It seems, in the history of me, that every time I feel so overdramatic like that, as long as I let it all out (through blogging, crying, eating/stuffing my face, blashkdjhas, etc. [all of which was indulged in Tuesday night])
I typically find myself fine the next day.

Better, even, than before.

I don't know if this is a mood pattern, or a physical pattern.

Crying generally helps.

I hate doing it, because when I actually allow myself to do it are the times when I really need to and end up crying for an hour straight or something like that. I don't time myself.

Remember middle school and the beginning of high school when I never let myself really cry?

Yeah, I'm over that. Crying definitely helps when you can just let it all go.

Everything makes me cry now. Thinking too much makes me cry. Sad stories make me cry. Sad music makes me cry. My own voice makes me cry, when I try to tell someone I'm all right and it comes out horribly, like I'm barely holding together. Stuff just makes me cry. It's gotten to the point where it's pretty embarrassing, especially around people that knew me during my never-ever-cry years.
But it's whatever.

I'mma go now. I'm tired of writing.

Sometimes it seems I will never run out of words.

I know I am defending an Old Dream.

Now I have New Dreams.

But some Dreams are recurring.

Big Dreams Die Hard.

These days...

"These days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do."

http://cedarseed.deviantart.com/journal/7-Reasons-Why-You-Should-Go-to-Art-School-214154871

Yesterday was good. Today was generally kind of stupid, but mostly because sick.

I can't tell if going to an art school is too big of a risk, financially. It's like...do I want to spend an exceptional heap of money going to a school that will surely put me ahead of a lot of other artists and might land me a really good job that I love? Or do I want to spend an average heap of money going to a school that will expose me to a larger variety of fields and people and experiences that may land me an OK job without leaving me in a huge amount of debt?

So basically...
(Potential job + some debt) vs. (potential really good job + a ton of debt)

The thing is, neither ensure me any job at all; only I am responsible for that. An art school would probably raise my chances of getting an art-related job (not that I can imagine possibly doing anything else), but a regular state school will still do its best without making my parents cry. And I'll be able to take music, and explore other fields. Maybe I'll pursue a career in something else--although I don't count this factor heavily in my decision, because I know what I want to do. Drawing and designing and making things is not something I ever plan to give up, it's who I am. But, I mean, what if my main job becomes performing? I love that, too.

It's choir. I love choir. I treat it as my job, and school is just on the side (although that's hardly accurate, considering the weight I put on my grades). But when I am assigned something in choir, I do it as if I am paid to do it, and I enjoy it. I want it. I want to do more, I want to get better, I want to share my voice and the way I feel with everyone.
There are traveling choirs. That is what people do. I kind of want to travel, don't want to be anchored forever in one place, want to get out occasionally. I don't think I would mind that.

But anyway, back to school things.
I want to be surrounded by creative, artistic people. However, I don't think I want to be around them all the time. My brain's argument is that everyone is different--it's not like at an art school everyone is the same and I won't make any friends or I'll be sick of the lack of variety. It's not like I talk to a lot of people now that have interests very different from mine. I mean, friggin' Robbie likes to snowboard, but that's not what we talk about. We talk about music.
He plays guitar, I sing. I'll be an Illustration major, maybe I'll have friends in Graphic Design, Studio, Animation, etc. Variety.
And surely they'll have interests outside of visual art. Surely I'll meet some musicians. Heck, the dorm building had a piano in it, for the students.
And I'll have connections at an art school. Big connections, from the professors, to the recruiters, to the students. Some, if not many of them, will make it big.

Note: Something I've always wanted to try my hand in--voice acting. With animator/cartoonist friends, I could totally do that!

But I mean, they have those programs at state universities, too. And some of those kids will do well for themselves.
The very successful are not limited to certain schools. It's all about what the person has got.

I am not limited to a purely art/design school. What have I got?

What should I do?

Get home just before four; wake up just before six...wait, huh?

Today was a fine day.

I woke up this morning and thought..."Today feels as if it will be a fine day."

And a fine day it was.

That is all.