Today was sad and embarrassing.

An appropriate followup to the pathetic turnout of last weekend (yesterday). I feel like I screwed up a lot today, in front of people whose opinions matter to me. I mean they don't, but they do.
They matter when they hurt.

Today had its good moments. And all in all, I'd want the good to overshadow all the bad mood that was today. But as long as I'm trying to keep track of my days, I've gotta go by the face I bring home to the mirror.
And the mirror tells me I am tired, and sad.

Oreos and milk are a beautiful thing. Talking with Mrs. Shoemaker was nice, really nice. Finding Jocelyn, Sammy, and Clara outside by the cars was also nice. They're not judging me, hopefully.

I feel like............am I paranoid?

I don't know. Lately I've just been so much more insecure. It's a feeling that builds on itself that only makes itself worse by existing.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you. And not just people you know, or don't know, it's the people you kind of know, or know enough, and they think they know you.
It's one thing to be up on a stage in front of people you don't know and who don't know you, and letting them judge you, because you know who you are, what you're doing and why, and they don't.
It's a similar thing to be obnoxious in your spare time, or in your class with your friends, and be judged by the students around you. They don't know you, or don't care. Whatever they think of you now won't matter later.

It's a completely different thing to be judged, especially negatively, by people you don't know all that well, but have wanted to. People you respect. People who don't know you, but think they do. They don't know you, but they think they know you enough to pass judgment, and there's a certain unwanted finality to it, a prejudice they will hold against you forever, or until it is buried under some recurring contradictory fact.
It's different when you want them to look at you like they are impressed, or like they like you or are interested in you, and instead you imagine the disdain in their eyes, in their voices, in their minds, or the pleasure they get in you saying the wrong thing and making a fool out of yourself. Particularly in a semi-professional environment where you just want to be respected for what you do, and you say exactly the wrong thing and you sound like a fucking pretentious idiot who shouldn't even be there and don't know anything about what you're doing.

Damn it, I do that all the time in front of the same people and I can't tell if they have lost all respect for me or what, but all I can do is try to redeem myself but I am so much more self-conscious that I keep stumbling over myself and making the same mistakes, worse and worse, again and again.

It's a terrible feeling, thinking that people are judging you.
It's a terrible feeling, to be ashamed of oneself.

I've gotta get out of here.
I only ever want to interact with my friends and family, the ones that don't judge me, don't ask me questions, don't expect anything from me. I only want to be happy, with them.

I'm so hungry right now, it's sad.