I've got it bad

this senioritis shindig. It's harsh, it's rough, it's real. It sucks.

But at the same time, I think it's healthier than what I've otherwise been doing.

However, I did manage to lose weight, again. What the hull.

Today was a day of mixed feelings.

BEFORE I GET INTO THAT, I just wanna say
my mom scheduled a cardiologist appointment smack in the middle of spring break. She knew I had plans for spring break, and she scheduled an appointment I was supposed to have years ago, in the middle of the one spring break I actually have plans for. Okay, mom, okay.
Additionally, she might be scheduling a dentist appointment. I don't see why I have to suddenly have these overdue appointments during the vacation I actually have plans for. This is not really okay, but I guess I have no say in the matter.
Thirdly, my mom scheduled my grandma's birthday party on February 18...which is the same day as Ringling's Open House. Guess I'm not going. But I also guess it doesn't matter, because it looks like I'm not even going to Ringling anymore. I mean, it would've been nice to check it out one more time before I made a decision. But whatever, mom, it's fine.

God.

Anyway, today was weird. I don't remember much of it.
I'm pretty sure it was generally a good day, but I just ended it tired as a sack of potatoes, and totally drained.
It was pretty progressive too, not sudden. I saw Jimena after school, for the first time since she graduated, and I didn't know how to feel about it, because I was really just tired and focused on getting to my car on the other side of the school to go home.
And I had kind of given up holding onto feelings for Jimena when she never showed up, when she said she would. I mean, I still love her to death, and seeing her made me smile so much, and I think I might've made a weird noise, but it was one of those..."I've waited so long that I'm not sure what to do now that this is really happening" things.

I remember being really hungry all day.
And being a little frustrated that Mr. LaCroix doesn't come in until just before choir now, instead of around 9 like he's supposed to, so that second period vocalists can work with him. I haven't been able to work with him since before All-State, and I JUST got my solo/ensemble music, and I just really want to work with him, because I just can't stand feeling this unprepared so close to the date.
But I mean, I wasn't frustrated at Mr. LaCroix, I was just frustrated with the fact that even when he has five-ten minutes before choir, I never get to work with him. Marty works with him, sometimes Adrian. I don't know what the fuck Haley is doing, she's kind of not doing anything. Okay, this week I've seen a lot of improvement, but lately I just don't know what's up with her. I'm not the only one who's noticed. I'm not criticizing her, I don't know what's going on. I'm just saying, something's off, and I don't understand.

I keep remembering something that happened yesterday, that I feel the need to jot down, so I remember for later. It doesn't mean anything, but it kind of makes me smile.
Yesterday, I was saying goodbye to Wesley, Chris, and Jack. And, being me, and being so, so happy, I said to them, "I love you guys. All of you."
And Jack, jokingly, said, "Oh, but she loves Chris the most."
And in that moment, I had options to react. I could deny it politely, even though I know he was just joking. I mean, it's not really true, seeing as Jack is one of my best friends, and I've been hanging out with Wesley a lot lately now that we have class together. The three of them are a fun bunch, so why rank?
I could also just laugh it off.
I could tell Jack I love him the most, because he is one of my best friends.
But what I chose to do instead, was smile. Just smile.
And I smiled, and Chris locked eyes with me and smiled back, that way he does (the way we do) when we're playing around.

Jack's response was, "DAMMIT, IT'S TRUE", laughingly. It was really funny. It was a heart-smiling kind of moment.
I miss yesterday. Something was special about yesterday, a quality that I wish I could describe. I don't know.

I'm not sure what else to say here. I had other stuff, but I painted my nails and tried to take a nap instead of getting on my computer, so. I forgot most of it. Yeh.

I guess that's it then. Here's to one of the more aimless, incoherent posts of mine. But surely not the last.
Goodnight.