I don't see how it's reasonable to go from having a "fuck this" day to a good day to a shitty day to a hilarious day to shit to shittier to shittiest and downhill from there. What the fuck is going on.
I can't look at myself in the mirror.
Nothing feels real.
Sometimes I just hate myself. And I hate everything else. It feels like my hate for myself is being emitted from my body as hostility toward everyone else, and it is then reflected back to me as hatred of myself, from everything and everyone around me. Giving me the impression that everyone hates me just as much as I do.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it's all in my head.
Yet there are still things that make me happy.......or at least calm me the fuck down.
Like...being with/talking to Jack. Something about him is soothing to me.
Sitting alone in a hallway, or outside by the tree was gentle, calming.
Collapsing into the big comfy recliner in the big spacious living room before my mom realized I was home, so it was so still and quiet in the house.
And texting Daniel.
Today when everything set me off, these things calmed me down.
I need to get my head on straight.
I'm a fool. I'm an idiot, and I'm not good enough.
I'm not talking about school work. I'm talking about being a person. I'm terrible at it.
I have to be better. And I know how, I just have to keep working on it.
I need to try harder.
Priorities, priorities.
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