I'm standing in my garage

about to go inside.
I could've easily gone to sleep right after dinner. In fact, I almost did.

But what did I do instead? I wasted some time on the Internet, then went out and practiced my music for a straight hour, and now my throat and body and mind are all killing me.
I was in no condition to do this. Why do I do this to myself.
Not a question because I don't have an answer.

I guess It Was A Lover and His Lass is getting better. It's one of those songs that's in a weird area where it's better if I head voice it all, but it's really airy and awkward. I'm trying to stop that. I think it's getting better...? Or maybe it got worse and now it's returning to normal??
I'm really weirded out that I think the clearest my voice sounded on that song was when I had to sing it in front of choir, which was really awkward and weird in itself because, lol, no piano. I mean, it wasn't weird at the time because I knew the piano part wasn't going to work and I'd end up singing it by myself, and just winging it, but in hind sight it was really weird/awkward.

Weird and awkward seem to be words of the day.

I feel like Vittoria is actually getting worse. I think I should stop over-rehearsing it. But at the same time, how do I maintain that range without practicing? It's predominantly upper staff. I'm pretty sure the lowest note I hit is a D above middle C. I need to keep my voice up, literally.

I think my biggest accomplishment tonight was Sugar, We're Goin' Down.
It wasn't perfect. It probably wasn't even that good.
The success was in the fact that, after an hour of operatic/classical singing, I was able to tough it out. I sang it with the actual song, which I NEVER DO and actually can't remember the last time I did, and it was really weird. I think maybe I sing it higher usually, or at least lately because I've been in the upper part of my range. But once it started, I was like holy shit what happened to my voice? This is not right at all. And I actually had to stop near the beginning because (1) I was failing, and (2) my parents came out just as I was yelling DOWN DOWN. Damn.

I accidentally told my dad about how I felt lately like I can't do anything right. I'm not sure what he's going to tell my mom now, or what/if they're going to do about it. Probably nothing. Hopefully nothing. But at the same time I feel like he went to bed with my mom and they're talking about it now. I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I've just been complaining complaining complaining all day, all week, all month, all year, all high school, all my life.

So I moped on back out and he shut the door.

And I started the song again.

And I tried to imagine being next to Robbie, and Jonah, and Seth. In the middle of the gymnasium. They're keeping their cool, they always keep their cool, it's up to me to calm down and get the crowd excited.
And I warmed myself up and just got started and powered through it like a star.

My body and voice did not appreciate it, but at the same time they were pushing for it, too. Because when it comes to this, my entire body and soul are into it, pushing to the best of my current ability.
Sure, it wasn't perfect. But I could feel it. And the audience in my head could feel it, and they were excited. And my boys were proud.

That's really all I wanna do this Friday. I want to make them proud.

I'd better go to bed now. I've been tired for hours and hours.

Good night.