First things first: I got a Superior rating at solo & ensemble. As an ironic followup to last year, my judge was really impressed with my Italian. Pluses err'where, yo. My English piece was kind of sad, I started out way quiet and weak, and she noticed. I had to work my way up to full voice, and she made a note of it, how we didn't hear it until the second page. But she did say once I opened up, I had a beautiful voice and beautiful tone. She was very impressed with me on the whole, which makes me incredibly happy. This adjudicator was very brisk and businesslike, so everything she said to me was not only appreciated but awed me as well. She complimented the way I dressed on my score sheet, saying I looked professional and confident. She was impressed that I came to talk to her at the end, saying that I showed initiative. She was surprised that I wasn't taking vocal lessons, and told me to never stop singing, that I could "really have fun with it", meaning, I'm assuming, that I could go far with singing. And I was so happy, and maybe even proud. I'm usually slow to realize pride; pride in myself is typically an unusual emotion, because I usually detach myself from any personal credit. But as a soloist, there's nowhere else to pin the credit, so I may have been proud of myself. I felt great, that was for sure. And I wanted the superior. I felt I did well enough to let myself want that superior rating. After that, I would've been crushed had I not gotten it.
"Wanting" is such dangerous territory.
Haley is an awesome person. She's funny, she's independent, she's comfortable in her skin, and has passion for what she loves. Some people might have a problem with her, but as someone whose friendship with her is more professional than personal, I have only respect for her, her naturalness and ability (even tendency) to look out for herself.
Devin has got it all wrong. He doesn't get it. "You need to be arrogant," "You need to be mean," "That's how they get to where they are"? How about more like, you have to be confident, and persistent. Adamant, even. And above all, good at what you do. Sometimes people who make it big are arrogant and cocky, but that's not the reason they made it big. They didn't let themselves get pushed around, and they pulled their own weight.
Augh, I guess I'm just still kind of shocked that he would say something like "You need to be arrogant." There are so many things wrong with that. I don't even know what else to say.
I love Natalie Borrowman. Haley and I openly fangirled about her all day, and everyone went home still singing You've Got Possibilities. I don't even have anything new to say about her, I could go on and on with empty words that don't come close to describing how I feel about this girl. "Love" is the closest I get, so "love" it is.
I just love Natalie. She's a brilliant human being, and a brilliant friend.
Adrian. I'm sorry, Adrian, I never give you enough credit. I never give you enough time in the day, for everything you've done for me. It's not a lot, time-wise, since we don't spend all that much time together. But you've done so much for me as a person. You are always there, being kind and making people smile. Sure, there are times you can be a child, you can be sour and crude and unpleasant, but when it comes to your friends, you're really a sweetheart. And I'm happy to have gotten to know you these past four years.
Erin. God, I'm so sorry Erin, I'm so stupid. I'm so terrible at talking to distraught people and trying to make them feel better. All day you've just been in this trance, and I went to say goodbye to you and you were crying. Was it the first time you cried all day? You held up, all day. You were strong. I understand, you're confused and at a total loss. And I have no idea how to help you, though I wish I could.
What's worse, I most likely would make it worse, if I tried to help.
Because.
Jack.
I don't even know what to say here.
I save some of your emails. I flag them, to mark them as important. Like the first ones we exchanged, the ones where I said
"Hey Jack. Don't make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better. Remember, to let her into your heart. Then you can start to make is better."and you said
"Dear Mona, won't you come out to play? Dear Mona, greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Mona, won't you come out to play?"And especially the one where I had been having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and you told me you were worried about me. That you cared about me, and that I was one of your best friends.
I remember when we sang at graduation, and went inside. Shortly after, we were supposed to go back outside to watch the band, and the rest of the graduation, but we, just the two of us, were left alone in the music room, to have a little heart-to-heart. Something that somehow became kind of our thing, our way of communicating.
I was worried about you today, Jack. Yesterday, you would barely meet my eyes. You wouldn't look at anybody. You shook when you sang. You couldn't crack a smile. You barely spoke above a whisper.
I wanted you to have a good day today. And I know you did, and I did too.
Today, you looked me in the eyes, and could match my gaze, even hold me there. Today, you sang out, and sang with me. You cracked jokes, jammed out on the bus, smiled, and laughed. We poked fun at each other in our seats. You held my hand for a lot of the bus ride home, and even put your arm around me once.
Yesterday, the discussions among Mr. Riddle, Wesley, and whoever else in the music room and in Riddle's office. They mentioned this code, this kind of code of conduct. It works both ways for both genders, but the idea was of this rule of relationships where a boy is not allowed to talk to other girls about his relationship with a girl. It breaks the code, it's not fair to the people dating, and it usually ends badly. Apparently.
Is that what happened with you and Erin? Was it too much, that you would talk to me about your relationship? Was she on edge because she was suspicious of me? Were you getting anxious with her because of your relationship with me?
I got home not knowing what to think or feel. Between you leaving and me leaving, was when I caught Erin crying. I think everything happening all around the same time just really sent my head and my heart for a spin.
I put on my music in the car, first to A Whole New World. Then, to Across the Universe on shuffle.
What came on? Something, I Want To Hold Your Hand, Helter Skelter, Strawberry Fields Forever, and With A Little Help From My Friends.
Really, Zune? You're gonna do this to me, reflect on everything going through my mind, without me even asking you? This brings back my own quote, of "Sometimes, music is therapy. Sometimes, shuffle is God talking."
But you know what? I'm not going to over-analyze this. (No, I haven't already, just because I wrote it all down.) I love you, Jack. Whatever happens or doesn't happen from now on, won't happen for wrong reasons. I'm gonna let time, and/or you, take the wheel on this one.
Because I'm tired of ruining things, like my friendships and my relationships, with my thinking, and over-thinking. However things turn out, I'll go with the flow. Because I'm sure I won't mind it either way. And who knows? Something really good might come out of it.
...What am I saying? It's just us. Something really good has already come out of it.
You're one of my best friends, too, Jack, and I don't want to lose that. Ever.
This post is long. As usual. I am not surprised.
I am kind of surprised you read all of these, Rachel. Are you learning to read faster? Or were you already a fast reader beforehand?
I'm too tired to proof this. Plus, I don't think it matters that much. I said what I needed to say, or at least remembered. I've got 4 chapters of AP to do in the morning, and 11 lessons in math to review, including the 5ish that I didn't actually get the hang of before we moved on. I think this is an appropriate place to say,
Goodnight, all.
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