"Happy Valentine's Day"

Today, I got a bear from Clara <3 But I didn't get her anything
I'm a terrible Valentine.
This bear is super fluffy though.
His name is Dale. His name is Ted Dale d'Ottinger (I have no idea how to spell that lol).
I luff him.

Today I had another freak out session in second period. I don't know what to call them. Panic attacks or anxiety or something? Yesterday it was really bad, I was essentially throwing a tantrum in the practice room because of everything I was feeling and my inability to express it without destroying something. Yeah, I cried a little. Not, like, flowing tears, but I teared up, which in my world constitutes crying. Because if my eyes tear up anywhere where people can see it (not in my bed or my bathroom), it must be really bad. And it was. I was flipping out. My heart was freaking out, my brain was screaming, I couldn't breathe, it was really weird and freaky. Definitely an overreaction to my complete mortification.
Today it was me freaking out over not having my songs down. I couldn't do it. I tried to practice over the weekend and couldn't do it, and I couldn't do it today. I couldn't stay in tune, I couldn't stay in key, I couldn't breathe, everything sounded scratchy, nothing was coming together, I was running out of time (no offense Rachel, it wasn't your fault), and I was failing, I was failing, I was failing and failing quickly and without hope. So yeah. I broke down again, right before choir. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, but I did.


After choir, I talked to Mr. Riddle. He ran through one of my songs really quick, told me to have more fun with it and stop being "so damn perfect" and just sing out, make mistakes. Everything he usually says, that I say, but can't bring myself to do.


My self-esteem lately has been off the charts.
On the bottom end.
But, moving on. After mentally passing out in calculus, things started looking up, and rapidly.

Today, I got candy from Chris.
That doesn't actually mean anything, at least nothing significant, but it was a nice gesture. He had extra candy from when he asked Kade for one and he gave him, like, three, so the fact that he gave me one was just nice.

Today I sat down and got to chill with Jack for a few minutes. Just him and me. We talked about Daniel, and how we miss the hell out of him. We talked about Erin...their relationship is not really anyone's business, so I don't know how much I can share on here. But we did talk about it, and her. I was curious to know if she ever was unsure or suspicious of me, being so close to Jack. Apparently she was, at one point, but hopefully that has passed. I like Erin, and she and Jack are cute together. But sometimes she looks unhappy, and sometimes Jack doesn't know how to read her, or he does and doesn't know what to do. However things turn out by graduation and beyond, for both of them I hope for the best.

I'm pretty sure Jack was making fun of me about Chris earlier. But in a friendly way. It was funny, and kind of nice--almost a relief--that he's so understanding, and not pushy. I'm obviously not going to pursue anything with Chris, and am totally fine with it. That Jack understands that is actually really comforting. Even though we don't talk a lot, he still understands me. And maybe always will. I don't think I've told him, but he's always been surprisingly good about that. About me.

Anyway.
I think about this romance stuff way too often, for someone who is generally not interested in a relationship.
Yeah, I have those times when I think and say I want a boyfriend, but if we dig to the bone, I won't whole-heartedly want a relationship unless my whole heart (or enough of it) is set on one person, whose heart is also set on me.
And surely that won't happen for a while. At the very least, not until after graduation and I've become accustomed to whatever are my new surroundings.

Chamber choir was really good today, I forgot to leave early for my freshly baked cookies. Also, when I finally got out of chamber, long after everyone had rushed out, after Mr. Riddle gave me a quick French diction lesson, I went out to my car to find Clara. Who opened the door of her car to reveal a spiff-looking Sammy.

GOD SAMMY, YOU ARE SO ATTRACTIVE. YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING, AND YOU DRESS SO WELL, AND SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

lol i love you, Sammy.

And then we listened to some Legend of Zelda, and some Ministry of Magic, and the elephant song!
But I had to rush home to my cookies.
But they, of course, were already cool once I got home. But they were still yummy, and I wasn't going to mope about it. I could tell they'd be really good with milk, anyway.

Can I have cookies for breakfast? When no one's looking? Because my parents would not approve if they saw.

I got home to an amazing dinner. My mom went all out. Like, cookies AND brownies. And dinner with the rice and the something-shrimp-dish-the-name-of-which-I-don't-care-to-remember, and asparagus, and this steak and mushroom and onions thing, AND salad, and this cheese bread stuff, and it was just all SO GOOD. I couldn't even have cookies after dinner (I had a couple before) because I ate so much.

I haven't done any of my work yet. But all in all, this has been a very good Singles Awareness Day.
I hope your Valentine's Day went well, too. <3