This is my altar. This is my Witness.

This is my "big stone thingy".

This is where I leave my secrets and sacrifices, my burdens.

It was obvious tonight that I still haven't found my voice, don't yet have the strength to say my prayers out loud, to get on my knees. I don't have my purpose. But my heart was loud and the feeling was real.
When I'm surrounded by people who are so strong in their faith, the question is no longer, "Is this real?"
It's "Am I strong enough?"

I prayed for guidance and stability.
I thanked God for all the people he's placed in my life to pull me back when I drift too far out.
In my family, my sister. My new family, Abby, Meghon, Abel, Claire, and their parents.
And the family I always have when I don't think I do...my friends.

Rachel, you have been the light of God in my life:
you are always around, always helping me and caring for me,
and I have turned away from you and pushed you away and shut you out, because I didn't know what to believe.
I still don't know for sure, but I do want to believe in faith, hope, and love,
and that these things are real and alive in my life.

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself,
and I don't want to feel like no one wants me.

Of course, I'm not going to wake up a totally new person,
with a new heart and new eyes, completely devoted.
Of course, it'll take a lot more to get me there.

But, at least for tomorrow, I am going to see this bracelet and remember
that I have people on my side, and that I have God in my heart.

I will survive this year--
I will still have breakdowns, and meet barriers, but--
I will survive this life,
and when I tell my story,
it won't be about how God saved me from drugs, violence, sex, etc.

It'll be about how God saved me from myself.