I had a good weekend.

Yet my body and mind insist on feeling awful. It's just one of those times, I guess. I can be fine for a while but by the end of the day I'm in the rut. Ugh.

Friday, if I remember correctly, was somewhat spectacular. Spectacular really is a strong word, and not really accurate, but the only word I seem to be able to think of to describe it as any better than OK, which it was. Er, it was better than OK, that is. But I mean...otherwise it was OK. Egh.
The school day was funny, there were many laughs.
I like splitting my time between lunch tables. I get my time with the girls, my breather from the school day, where I can eat, snooze, chill da fuq out, you know. And then I get to spend time at the guys' table--but let's be honest, I'm only there for Chris and Jack. Well, and kind of to take a breather from the girls' table. Change is nice right around now. Especially with me getting so restless.

Jack hasn't texted or emailed me. Which is fine, he's under no obligation to do so. But it's always weird when someone begins to pick something up regularly and drops it again without warning. Such as...texting or emailing.
Daniel did text me, however, so I really shouldn't complain.

I feel like I shouldn't be putting so much weight into our friendship--mine, and Jack, and Daniel's.
If the two of them both decided to go to USF, would I really just drop everything and go there too?
It's really tempting.
Plus, I'm being overdramatic when I say "drop everything". USF is still an open option, and let's face it, my dad would love it if I went there, because it's so much closer to home than FSU. I think he's convinced I want to get away.
You know, dad? Maybe I'm actually looking out of myself and my future. Maybe there are schools out of an hour's traveling distance that can offer me so much more than what I can get in this little radius you're giving me.

I can't really remember Saturday, I think I just spent a lot of time staring at my computer screen (my homework), not doing anything, and watching the TV behind me with my sister, because she was catching up on Once Upon A Time. Yeah, pretty sure that's all we did all day. Besides house chores.

And then today I went to Orlando to see Meghon and Kuya and Abby. Which was slightly disappointing because instead of dropping me and my sister off and then going shopping, we actually went grocery shopping and errand-running before and after visiting, which probably cut our visit by a few hours, making it impossible to go out and see a movie like we'd wanted to, made us tired, etc. Also, Claire and Abel, even Caleb, had gone to see them yesterday, so we missed them.

How is it possible that the last time I saw them was December 17, 2011?
What happened?
They're supposed to be new family.
This is unacceptable.

You would think that I'd be okay with it because it's not like I'm used to having family around anyway, since hardly any of our family lives anywhere nearby.

But I feel like maybe that's worse, because I'm so much more alone than I have been. I was so excited to have more family, more people in my life...but it really doesn't feel like that's the case anymore.
I thought about it, and I think this is why this year has been so hard on me. I've never had to deal with everything all by myself.
Even now, I don't have to, but I'm not comfortable enough to talk to my friends any more than I always have. I'm used to just keeping to myself, then bloggeringeringering, then talking to my family. I'd gotten used to talking to Meghon last year. But Meghon's married and moved out, my brother is with her, my sister is out with her own life, Meghon's family live scattered in different places all several hours away. Nothing is anchored, nothing is constant, nothing is stable. These are the people I'm supposed to be hanging onto, they're the ones who are supposed to be there always, and they are, but they're not.

Why is coming back to school so hard every week?
Why is being me no longer enough?

Everything is a struggle, everyday is a fight.

10 weeks. Give me strength, give me freedom. 10 more weeks.