anxiety.

I shouldn't be this nervous.
I don't even know what I'm nervous about.

At first it was a little bit, nerves, about going tonight. The idea wasn't sitting well in my stomach. But I cleared that up. I know I want to go, I want to be there. And I want to be there with people I know and trust. I know I'm making this into this huge deal, so much bigger than it ought to be, but maybe for me it is. I need to get back into reality, back into something that isn't just me and a million mirrors. Something with other people, other ideas, other things that I can hold onto and put my hope into. Faith. I want to go tonight.

But that didn't make the nervousness go away.

1:00 is always a little painful. Why? I have no idea. After I eat, there's just always this fluttery, papery feeling of dread, that settles in my stomach. And my heart feels like it's sinking into my stomach, too, resting at the bottom. Kind of like it's broken. Not like somebody has broken it...just, it is broken. At the bottom of my stomach.

And it makes my whole body ache, and I get restless and jittery. My fingers won't stop moving, it's hard to breathe comfortably. I feel like I've got to be doing something, I've gotta be doing something.

I can't focus on anything, it feels like I suddenly have way too much to do.

There's crap all over my room, I started sorting it out this morning which of course always leaves it messier before it gets better. So that clutter sets me on edge. And I have this scholarship that I'm totally failing at, I wish I could just drop it, but Mrs. Shoemaker has been so good about getting me to do it, she's really pulling for me, and I'm here doing everything wrong, turning everything in late. I feel like if it's getting this bad, it looks even worse than if I turned in nothing at all.
I can't do my unit review. I already took the test, there is no motivation. Maybe I'll still do it, later this week? How bad will my grades get if I don't do it? Chris was approaching a B when he didn't do one. How were his test scores? How are my test scores? This is awful, I shouldn't have to think about it, but I don't have the nerve to do it now, I just can't bring myself to. There are too many other things I need to be focusing my time on. Or are there?
My calculus is horrible, I have no idea what's going on ever. I've been doing a lot better at staying awake and taking notes, but I've been doing just as poorly actually understanding the lesson. I look at my notes and don't even remember taking them. I don't have time for this.

I have to write an essay on my career and educational goals for this same scholarship. I have no idea what I'm doing, especially not now.

I think I should just put everything away and eat some ice cream.

I feel awful.

I feel like maybe if I throw up, I'll feel better.

I don't understand that logic at all.

I also just kind of feel like sleeping off the rest of the day.

Part of me doesn't want to have to see anyone again, everyone has all these expectations I'm failing to reach. If I never had to get back to them, I'd be fine, I'd be golden.

But that's really not an option. Plus, I know I won't feel like this forever. Hopefully once I get in the car and get to your place I'll feel much better, and I'll be able to forget about everything, for just tonight.

Oh boy, here are some tears. I'm pathetic.

I need to breathe. Maybe I'll go for a walk.