Just when you think everything is going swell, everything is all right, everything is amazing and beautiful and happy, falling into place
you realize you were really just distracted,
ironically, by the light at the end of the tunnel.
Isn't that what you're supposed to look at?
I guess not, when you're blindsided full force by the reality that nothing you wanted before this year can be yours.
It all boils down to me, doesn't it? Am I really that insufficient? This is an all-time low, this is a fresh new level of "not good enough" that I have somehow managed to reach.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm not sure there's anything I can do.
Just gotta keep telling myself, God has a plan.
That's what I'm supposed to do, right?
I'm supposed to trust God, because he has a plan.
There's a fucking reason everything I'd built my plans on has fallen apart.
It's gotta be because something else is waiting for me.
And I'll believe that. I want to believe it.
Doesn't mean my heart isn't still breaking.
Doesn't mean I feel it any less.
I don't know what's going to happen to me.
I suspect I'll be fine, I'll adapt, I'll thrive--I always do, given time.
But if it keeps hammering me with every step I take, I start to wonder if maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. That can't be true, though. I've gotta be making the right choices, if only for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong choices for the right reasons?
I'm doing what's best for me........for now? Long-term?
If I'll never know, I should just stop worrying about it, huh?
God. Dammit.
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Jeremiah 29:11
ReplyDeleteFor I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Not the FUTURE part. And the PROSPER.
Jeremiah's life was full of questions and questionable requests from God. Read Jeremiah 32 for example. So the fact that the God stated specifically to him that He had a plan is something to note.
The point is: there is a plan, and I would suggest just taking life one day at a time. This isn't an "I'm not good enough," but a "there is something better."