The words "I can't"

seem to have taken over my life.

I can't do my homework. I can't focus. I can't produce artwork. I can't sing properly, nothing sounds or feels right. I can't do anything satisfactorily. I can't do anything normal.

I can't figure myself out. I don't understand why I am suddenly just always so unhappy.
I'm fine during various parts of the day, but by the end of it, I'm sapped. I feel very little motivation to do the things I used to love.

I can't feel excited about Buffalo Palooza. I can't feel excited about performing--I actually wasn't planning to, but I think he assigned me something. That's what it sounded like this morning, anyway.
As much as I want, I can't feel excited about art club. About choir. About chamber choir. About prepping for art school. About going to college at all. Why do I have to? It's just a big load of, of, spending loads of money to spend time not making money. I can't afford anything by myself. I can't take care of myself.

I feel it now, especially, because all I seem to want to do is sleep and eat. And when I'm super hungry and have eaten all my food already, I want to go out to eat, but then I remember I have no time or money, no job and no time to have a job and make money. I'm just a cyclical wreck, and I'm just too tired to see past that.

I have to keep thinking things will come around, I know I'll come around, I know this is just a phase and I'll get past it. I know, I know, I know. But every day that "I can't" becomes a day wasted, and a day I regret.

Everyone's all, "Senior year, no regrets". "You only live once, no regrets." "Live without regret."

I have
so
many
regrets.

Every day is a new set.

And I just feel terrible. About my life, and myself.
I've become this abhorred creature toward which I can feel no pride or esteem. I am ashamed of myself for being lazy and dead, and I am ashamed of myself for being ashamed of myself.

Oh my God, what do I do?

Even now, I feel further from God than I've ever been.
Prayer feels fake to me, like a lie, like a forced habit. I can't feel my heart anymore.
I need help, but I'm afraid to ask for it. My mind and body do not accept help well. I am much too stubborn.
I could ask you, Rachel. I could ask my sister. I could just freaking go to church,
but the last time I went to church was really when I felt it.
I was empty, and sad, and alone, and just wanted to cry. Like, I felt like I was betraying God, by not being able to feel Him there anymore. By suddenly feeling that the whole mass, the service, everyone believing this was absurd. I want to believe, I want to, but I just don't know what or how to think anymore and it's breaking me.

I've never felt so lost.