i just realized this is not coherent at all

1. Once upon a time I had so much respect for you and then I got to know you over time through your actions and the way you voiced your opinions and fought for them and completely changed my mind about you. I feel bad for you, for being an insensitive artist. For being a beggar that doesn't give. For being a visionary without the resources to see things through. For having wide eyes, a closed mind, and an open mouth. Until you learn to adapt, you will forever want and never win. You're a self-righteous fool.

2. It freaks me out how closely I relate to people with actual mental health issues. It's always a subject that has fascinated me, and I would always try to find the traits of different disorders that fit me. I was a child like that. But lately people who have been battling things like anxiety and depression have been trying to explain what it's like, and considering my range of emotions affecting me the past school year, I've been able to relate more than ever before. The headaches, the stomachaches, the nervous habits, the shaking and the vertigo. The narcolepsy and lethargy. The apathy and anger. Insomnia. Bitterness. This time you can't try to tell me it's all in my head, or it's called "being a teenager". I've been a teenager for over five years now, and it's never been this bad. Yet, at the same time, it's not new. I've been exhibiting signs of manic depression since I was little.

No one wants to take me seriously. As a teenager, and as me, it's always just assumed that I'm looking for attention, or I'm trying to put in possible answers, reasons to blame for the way I feel. I'm being melodramatic, it's all in my head. It's a goddamn phase.

But I don't think it is. This is a legitimate concern. I'm not joking. It's actually getting in the way of my life.

Am I going to do anything about it? Absolutely not, probably the only people who can really help me are my parents, and they would surely be angry and/or disappointed that I would even think such things.

But I've been thinking a lot worse lately.

I want to be helped. I want to feel normal. It's just hard when I'm forced to pretend that I do.