I'm gonna start trying to keep track of my days. Looking for patterns in my moods.

That being said, today was a'ight. I laughed a lot again, today. Everything was funny for some reason.

I realize that probably sounds like that's new to me, although I know it's not. Sometimes I feel like everything is funny. Most of my memories from life before eighth grade are like that. We were always the loud lunch group, we were always yelling and laughing. We laughed so much. We were so funny, we were hilarious, we were a riot.
It kind of feels new, though, relative to the past couple of weeks. It always feels like it's been a while. I always say to myself, "This is the first time I've felt like this in a while." But it's probably rarely true, or at least the "while" isn't as long as I always think. Taking note in this blog, in this journal, ought to help me clear that up.

Status update, you and Clara still seem really down. It's actually more noticeable now that my heads a little clearer and I'm getting more sleep. Clara seems to be picking up a bit, albeit feeling under the weather. You don't.
Truth be told, I don't want to hear all about Logan and how bad she is, or all the people giving you a hard time and how. I will definitely listen if you ever want to pour it out to me. Definitely. But I'm mostly concerned with trying to make you feel better. Without being obtrusive, of course. For example, if it were me, if you went out and baked me a friggin' cake, I'd feel more guilty than better. I wouldn't want super extra attention. I don't know how to deal with this or make it better, but......I don't know, I just wish there was some way, in my power, I could help.

Another status update, this time on my thoughts. WARNING if you're sick of my love life complaints and rambles. I've been really good about not thinking about stuff like this since New Year's, honestly! But these thoughts are always hovering at the floor of my mind, waiting to be kicked up by the wind of a passerby. Certainly, last week. Certainly, today.
I never did make a physical list of "Boys That Would Make Superb Husbands". I don't really remember who's on it, besides Chris and Robbie. I added Abel, because, surely. Lauren too, most likely, I just never thought about it much because I don't know him that well and have zero chance with him ever.
That was not even what I was going to talk about. That was a defense mechanism to try to fool either me or le reader to believe that what I really wanted to talk about is not an obsession, is not constantly on my mind, is not haunting me and begging for attention. You can probably guess. I'm talking about Julian.

So I've realized, to try to say it in the simplest way, that Julian is the mistake that I will just keep on making. He's got a girlfriend and I'm still drawn to him like a magnet. He's not good for me at all, we don't even have much in common, and he can make me so mad, but I keep coming back, and I can't explain why. I know that I love him; can't that be enough? Can't I just be friends with the guy without wondering what he thinks of me, what it would be like to be with him, if we have a future, why do I feel the way I do?
It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I say Julian is the mistake I will continue to make, but on the other hand he is a mistake I never really made.
Because I am me, and this is how I am, I'm not going to push anything. I will not rock the boat, or break the status quo. Yet a part of me is just very afraid that he will remain in my life, a giant question mark over my years.