I feel a bit guilty

that I can't write about good things in here anymore. It's more of an escapist tendency, coming back here. When I have too many negative emotions brimming and I need somewhere for it to spill safely over without staining everything.

I'm unhappy. Why? I don't know. I blame my period.
Something that ticks me off about my conversations with Daniel, is the abrupt end to them that happens too, too often. I can suggest we go to bed, I can prep myself that we're going to part ways, but he'll say, "No, we can finish this game first," "No, I'm not tired yet," "No." But then just as I settle with the idea of talking with him for the rest of the night, we come to a point where he says, "Goodnight, Mona."

I'm not kidding. He's in complete control of the conversation. It's goodbye when he says goodbye, without warning, and I'm not allowed to prepare myself. I guess I'm just supposed to always expect it.
But I feel like if I talk to him every night without letting go of the reality that he's not really with me, and that we can't go to bed together, and that I'll have to say goodbye, then talking to him at all wouldn't be worth it. It would be fake, a formality.

So I like to let myself forget. It makes it easier to talk to him. I look forward to it every day.

So when he just cuts it off like that, it drops reality like an anvil or a grand piano in an ol' Acme cartoon.

Good Night, Mona. I have to go to sleep. I have to get my 10 hours of sleep, and wake up in the morning and go about my usual life. You have to get some sleep, I know you think you don't have to, but you do, so you can wake up in the morning and go about your life. And every morning you wake up, is another morning closer to when we'll be together again, right? So Have A Great Night, Mona. I Love You.

I know. I know. I know. I know. The only response I have is a nod, a gulp, "Goodnight, love you, too."

Sweet Dreams.

"You, too."





Dammit. I can usually get by. It bothers me, yes, every single time. It's just a let down, every single time. It hurts, every time. But I can handle it.

Just, tonight it's killing me. I spent too much time during the conversation being frustrated with the game we were playing that I was obviously, obviously losing. We played for almost an hour. I lost. Then we switched to that dumbass game of Connect Four, that I won three times in a row. Shit, it only took a few minutes. It didn't make me feel any better about myself, if that was his plan. And then he says goodnight.

I'm not blaming him for anything, he's not doing anything wrong. If anything, he's the sweetest thing. And he's damn right. Thinking of him helps me sleep at night, knowing I'm one night closer to him.
But tonight, I kind of just wish he'd stay up with me, or we could fall asleep together, and pretend again that he was here.

I guess I'm just bitching.

I really do blame the PMS. It's in that later stage where my emotions kick in and I get pissed at everything.

I miss him so fucking much.
Tonight's gonna be a bitch.






I thought it'd be easier when I got home.
But I think I've found a new definition of home,
and it's not here, not now.
Not until he comes back.

And I'm selfish

because the first post I make in over a month, after everything in my life really started moving--my boyfriend, most of my friends, I finished up at work, I'm working out my classes, etc.--is about an old flame.

In my defense, it's the only thought that came, sudden and heavy, without any other outlet presented.
Maybe I'll talk to Kaylee about it tomorrow.
Daniel doesn't know.
I've been able to talk to Daniel, Kaylee, Rachel, about everything else, which is why I haven't felt the pressure to write here.
But I had to get it out, this feeling, idea, memory. I couldn't house it anymore, because God forbid, it would take root.

I'll tell him soon enough.
I'll tell him everything.
I don't want to have to escape to my blog.
I don't want to have to run away or feel like I have to drop unwanted feelings in this public dump of words meant for someone to know, but not necessarily someone I know or trust.
I just want to trust him,
and tell him everything.

And I will.
Eventually.

Having the self-control

to not tell that boy how you watched a movie today that made you think of him the entire time.
And how the one character you found mildly attractive became more attractive the more he resembled that boy.
And the way he leveled his face with whomever he was talking to
and the way his gaze was steady, unblinking, the way his was with yours
and the way his mouth was always just open, and the curve of his lips reminded you of the curve of his soft lips
and that afternoon when he stumbled into you by the door on the far side of the school, by the parking lot, pulled you close and asked, he asked, just for one kiss.


I'm not interested. And I'm not in denial. I'm incredibly happy with who I'm with, and seriously see a future with Daniel.
But that boy will always creep into my mind.

And while it's hard for impulsive, blabbermouth, flirtatious me to keep it from him
I can't bring myself to bring it up.
And when he texts me song lyrics tinged with desperation,
I can't reply.
Because I already told him it's not going to happen
and I've already fucked enough people up, haven't I?

Don't know what's wrong with me lately.

The painful effects of letting oneself love are finally kicking in. Signs of withdrawal, loneliness, longing, paranoia, drifting--like flies around my head. But I just keep telling myself, it'll pass. I lasted months with him miles away, yet now a few days without him are killing me. Maybe it's because we don't talk every night. We barely talk during the day, typically a good morning text and a good night text. Maybe it's because July is slipping away and I know when he's leaving and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, only that I'll have to. Because I am not letting him go. I am not letting my hormones, or emotions, or whatever it is that is eating at me, ruin what I have, because when I'm with him, when I talk to him, when I wear my bracelet and snuggle with my stuffed animal, I know we're so worth it.

I just need to keep reminding myself.

Cabin fever, a temporarily disabled mom, and these flames suddenly at my window, knocking on my heart expecting me to let them in again...it's making everything so hard. I hate to hurt people, but it's seems like there's no way I'm not going to. I have Daniel, I just have to hold on to him and keep moving forward.

I need to be with him again soon. Not only am I driving myself insane thinking about him, he is the suddenly the only thing and only one that makes everything feel better. I can't even bring myself to call Kaylee or Rachel anymore. I want to, I'll pick up the phone, I still have their numbers memorized, but all I see is Daniel, and just roll over and just to push everything else out of my mind.

I need to get out of here, and cut the ties that are holding me down. A fresh start, with just the ones I need--family, friends, and beau.

I can't tell if I'm running away from time or trying to run with it, but something's gotta resolve, soon, or I just might lose it.

"And that's all I had to say about that."

And so, my epically (4-post) long life update is finally published. For easy viewing, here are the links in order of how I wrote it (as opposed to the reverse order you get by scrolling).

http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/and-suddenly-i-have-so-much-to-say.html
http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/daniel.html
http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-just-had-conversation-with-him-on.html
http://interminablebrainspew.blogspot.com/2012/06/never-is-hard-word-to-swallow.html

A lot has happened this summer. Mostly, I'm having a good time with my family, my job, and of course, my boyfriend. Life has never looked so good as it has lately.

Hospital soon, though, for my mom's surgery. A solemn time approaches. I'm going to enjoy all the moments I can possibly enjoy.

Enjoy.

"Never" is a hard word to swallow.

"Never" is a big word. I don't take well to absolutes. "Always". "Never". I guess it makes relationships a little weird to me, the whole concept of them. Or at least, of them happening so young. Especially as someone who didn't spend her childhood dreaming of settling. Young marriage, young family. Commitment to one person, one idea, one thing. That wasn't me. That isn't me.

As I mentioned before, camp reminded me of that--possibilities. I'm thinking of Michelle and John. Tiffani and David. Then I'm thinking of me. Carlos, Jacob, Zaylin.
I had a dream last night involving Julian.
And then I wake up, and it's all about Daniel again. I remember what Julian and I talked about right before graduation. "We could've had a lot of fun this year", "We can still have fun", "This isn't a good time for either of us", "When we're both available to each other, I would love to..."
And I think about Daniel.
And I thought about all these guys, the things I remember about them, like their faces and their voices, and in my mind I applied in big red letters: "never"
I might never know what it's like to be with them--not just them as people, but them as a concept. Any other guy I might meet in the future. Never again.

Why? Because, Daniel.

"Always" with one person always scared me, because it applies "never" to everyone else.
But with Daniel, it's a little different. Less scary. More promising.
He makes me want things I didn't want. To live. He makes me want to do everything in the world. He makes me want to dream big, to travel and see and try new things. To know what it's like, to get married, to have a family, to have a grown-up life of my own. I think it's my desire for him to stay that is coming up with these fantasies. As if my idea of marrying him will anchor him to me, to this side of the world. I can go to work and come home to him every day, knowing he's not going anywhere. I could spend my nights and mornings with him without the shame of being desperate teenage lovers. He makes me want to grow up. With him.

Of course, I'm not in a hurry to get married; that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just such an interesting feeling.

I don't know if this will last forever, but as of right now, I wish it would. I'm ready to say, I'm kind of in love with him. And he's kind of totally in love with me, which will likely always be difficult for me to believe, although I want so much for it to be true. But he is possibly the greatest thing to have happened to me in my life, not exaggerating. Especially at this time of my life, after the disasters of high school and in the face of the fears of the future.

I don't want him to leave me. I don't ever want to leave him. I never want to hurt him. That's how I feel right now. "Never".

I just had a conversation with him on the phone.

We talked about something I've been dying to know...who is he? Who is he now, after everything he's been through the past 5 years? Maybe I was a little disappointed in what he had to say. He basically admitted, he's not the same person he was before. My consolation is that he's currently a mix of the Daniel I knew, and the Daniel he became when he moved. That's the Daniel I'm dating. But he told me, whenever he moves to a new place, he starts over, like becoming a new person. I already know, he's moved around a lot, and that's likely not to change--especially now that he has two lives across America. I guess I'm really just afraid of him changing, becoming someone completely different, leaving me behind. And the reality that we've both still got a bit of growing up to do, and we might not be perfectly compatible at the end of it. If we make it that far.

Part of me wants to freeze how we are now, this daily life of just trying to figure out when we'll next see each other.