I just had a conversation with him on the phone.

We talked about something I've been dying to know...who is he? Who is he now, after everything he's been through the past 5 years? Maybe I was a little disappointed in what he had to say. He basically admitted, he's not the same person he was before. My consolation is that he's currently a mix of the Daniel I knew, and the Daniel he became when he moved. That's the Daniel I'm dating. But he told me, whenever he moves to a new place, he starts over, like becoming a new person. I already know, he's moved around a lot, and that's likely not to change--especially now that he has two lives across America. I guess I'm really just afraid of him changing, becoming someone completely different, leaving me behind. And the reality that we've both still got a bit of growing up to do, and we might not be perfectly compatible at the end of it. If we make it that far.

Part of me wants to freeze how we are now, this daily life of just trying to figure out when we'll next see each other.

Daniel.

I spent a week at camp enjoying myself and having a ball. And you know what? There were boys there (duh). There were boys with beautiful voices and beautiful faces and fascinating personalities and to be honest, some of them sparked my interest. Some of them were interested in me, too. But I came back to the dorm every night and either called or waited for Daniel's call, and talked to him for over an hour, or for five minutes, however long we had. And then I would climb into the top bunk and stare at the dark of the ceiling, cramped into a ball under two blankets in the cold room, aching for his body heat and the sound of his heartbeat and steady breathing. His quietly voiced sigh, almost inaudible, of complete comfort and content, when we're together. He wasn't there, but he helped me to sleep each night.

The last night of camp, we talked on the phone. "It's official," he said. "I'm leaving June 26."

It was one of those moments where your heart doesn't necessarily sink, but kind of bobs in uncertainty, something like shock and/or disbelief turning the medium in which it floated to a semi-solid jello. My heart was sinking, but very, very slowly.

Waiting for the best part of your life to leave is, as I have found, much akin to waiting to die.

And thus, the day back from camp was potentially the worst day of my summer. I felt horrible all day, and it was awful. Simple.

It was only a few days from when he broke the news to when a new opportunity popped up. August 8. He would have another month and some to stay here, and have enough time before school starts at Utah State to prepare himself. If only I wanted him to stay?

Of course, what could I say to that? I melted; it took everything not to beg him. I can't ask him to stay. I could never ask him to stay. I told him, he knew how I felt. How I feel. What did he think?

And so, the deadline was magically extended to August 8. Far enough away to soften the sting.
Still, it feels like we're bucket-listing. It's bittersweet, and I can only imagine who will cry first those last days.

Probably him. He could be weeks gone before it all crashes down on me.

And suddenly, I have so much to say.

In fact, I'm going to spread this over multiple posts so you don't get too irritated reading it all in one sitting. (whoever "you" are)

First of all, camp was incredible. Work as a graphic design intern reminds me where I'm going in life, by pressing me daily for creativity and new ideas and visual execution. Camp reminded me where the other half of my heart lies. One week, so many songs, and over 150 people who all came together of their own accord to do what they love. There was so much heart put into every moment, at that camp. My voice was so tired by the end of the week, but the songs keep playing to this day. The selection might have just been the director's choice, but they all meant so much to each of us, in different ways. Here Inside My Heart. Requiem. A Thousand Beautiful Things.
Oh, My Luve's Like a Red, Red Rose.

As fair art thou my bonnie lass, so deep in luve am I
I will luve thee still, my dear, tho' it were ten thousand mile.

Next post!

I think I may have just run out of things to say.

Life has been moving forward at something of a constant rate, now. Nothing weird to report, everything good to revel in and remember.

Actually, I'm getting scared. I've wanted so much, and I've waited, and now I have received. It's almost too good to be true, though I know it is real. It's like the past year being away was nothing, we just picked up where we left off. Yet it's like he's another person. No, it's not like that at all. He's the same person, he's familiar and safe, and I know him and trust him entirely. But there's this new dimension to him that I've opened, that is bright and inviting and adventurous. And I want to be with him every moment, and get to know him all over again. I want to explore this new relationship we have, with new boundaries and fallen walls and open doors. He's the same Daniel, but now he's letting me in, pulling me closer. I've never been this close to someone before, on all these different levels. Before, I could talk to him about anything, and he would tell me about himself in turn, and we let each other into our lives bit by bit until it's like we're both really there. Now he's physically here, and I can feel his hand in mine, and his fingers run up and down my skin, and his arm around me and his heartbeat against my ear and our mouths connected and it feels like we can't get close enough.

I'm scared because now we've made it this far. So what happens next?
I don't want to think about him leaving again. I don't know when the next time I'll see him will be. I don't know if this will be it for us, now that we're finally here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to put this away. I intend to enjoy my month with him, and not let the dread of it ending overshadow the time we have. We have so much to get done! At least ten movies, and Lights Out shows. How we're going to cram them all, I don't know. We'll see.

I might not post in this journal again.
I probably will, but it'll be few and far between, and maybe even dwindle all the way down to nothing.
Now that I'm done with high school, now that I'm done with those people and that school and this place, now that I get a fresh start filtering out the people I don't need and just holding close to the people I do, I don't think I want to keep writing. Not here, not anymore. I need to stop living in the past. I need to stop living in the future. I need to keep my mirrors up to see both ways, but always stick to what's happening now, and be aware of myself, and the people around me.

And Daniel. I need to focus on me, and Daniel.

This summer is going to be the busiest of all, what with the private ensemble, and my job, and camp, and Daniel. But I'm going to make it the best so far.

In the event that, by the end of the summer, this blog is abandoned forever and maybe even deleted...well, if you're important to me, you'll know how to reach me.

Bye, now.
M

I said it without realizing how much I meant it.

I have never wanted anything,
not even graduation,
as much as I want him home.

Strawberry Fields, Nothing Is Real

I can't believe this is happening.
I can't remember being so excited for anything in my life.
I went numb, I had no idea how to feel, how to deal with my emotions. My voice was shaky. My words tumbled over themselves on the way to my mouth, and hardly any made it through. I had put the thought away all day, so unprepared was I to face it.
And then he called.

His voice even sounded just a little closer, like he was almost here.
I could imagine him, I could almost feel him next to me.
I'm delusional.

I've had so many things to look forward to.

The cafe was fucking brilliant, best cafe ever. We say that after almost all of them, but this went beyond all others. This was amazing.

God, Robbie is cute. I love him to death and will miss him so much.
And once again, Lauren's endless talents show through in this video.

Ana's recital was amazing. For the first time in the 12 years I've known her, I got to see her really go hard doing what she loves. None of that Golden Girl stuff. I saw her en pointe, and her senior (YOLO!) solo, that crazy modern superhero one, and the grande finale, in which she was the lead. I'm so proud of her, and proud to know her, and be her friend. She is hands down one of the most incredible people I've ever known, body and mind, heart and soul. She's a fascinating and intricate creature, a complex human being. She is beautiful.

Awards tomorrow, and the next day. Baccalaureate, Thursday. Graduation, Saturday, let's go. Party time.
As I've said, I've had so many things to look forward to. I still do.

But this trumps them all.

Waiting just got a hell of a lot harder.
I'm just counting down the days.

I don't even know what to say.

I have so many things to say, and no words to express them.

It's been weeks since I've written, or been able to write.
All I've been doing is talking.
And I've been saying all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

I've been honest, I've been straight forward. I'm not hiding anymore.
But I am wrong, I am guilty, and I am ashamed.

...

I'm just counting down the days.

End of the year concert. VMAs. Underground cafe. Ana's recital.
That week before graduation--awards, officer training, baccalaureate, and the ceremony. Parties.
I start my job.

Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.
Daniel comes home.

I need June to come and rip me from temptation, to burn the last ties I have to this school and these regrets clawing at my conscience, and to bring to my arms the boy that took my heart.

June can't come soon enough for me.