Brain Spew

Tonight, I am discontent.

2012-02-12T23:33:00.003-05:00

I am unhappy, and I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I have the vague feeling that I fucked myself over many times this weekend, but I didn't really do anything.
...Maybe that's just it.

I feel like if I'm working so hard to get into Ringling, if/once I'm accepted, I should just go, right?
But no, that's not how decision-making works.

But, I mean, if I wanna go somewhere where I don't really know anyone, art schools the place to go.

I'm so tired of this place and almost everyone in it.
I mean, some of you guys...I love you guys. And when I'm around you, I don't want to lose you.
But when I spend a weekend alone, it all feels forgettable. I'm not saying I want to forget. I just do, and I'm left feeling detached from everything worthwhile around here.

I never thought I'd be that person.

Caught up late. Sent to bed.
Goodnight.

2012-02-11T22:29:00.001-05:00

I need to learn to work more quickly. This exhausts my eyes, and my body, and in severe cases, my brain.

Today was mellow. Did stuff. Was moderately productive. Yeah.

'Sunrise' by Childish Gambino stuck in my head all day.
AY! What it do, bitch?

I've got it bad

2012-02-10T22:06:00.001-05:00

this senioritis shindig. It's harsh, it's rough, it's real. It sucks.

But at the same time, I think it's healthier than what I've otherwise been doing.

However, I did manage to lose weight, again. What the hull.

Today was a day of mixed feelings.

BEFORE I GET INTO THAT, I just wanna say
my mom scheduled a cardiologist appointment smack in the middle of spring break. She knew I had plans for spring break, and she scheduled an appointment I was supposed to have years ago, in the middle of the one spring break I actually have plans for. Okay, mom, okay.
Additionally, she might be scheduling a dentist appointment. I don't see why I have to suddenly have these overdue appointments during the vacation I actually have plans for. This is not really okay, but I guess I have no say in the matter.
Thirdly, my mom scheduled my grandma's birthday party on February 18...which is the same day as Ringling's Open House. Guess I'm not going. But I also guess it doesn't matter, because it looks like I'm not even going to Ringling anymore. I mean, it would've been nice to check it out one more time before I made a decision. But whatever, mom, it's fine.

God.

Anyway, today was weird. I don't remember much of it.
I'm pretty sure it was generally a good day, but I just ended it tired as a sack of potatoes, and totally drained.
It was pretty progressive too, not sudden. I saw Jimena after school, for the first time since she graduated, and I didn't know how to feel about it, because I was really just tired and focused on getting to my car on the other side of the school to go home.
And I had kind of given up holding onto feelings for Jimena when she never showed up, when she said she would. I mean, I still love her to death, and seeing her made me smile so much, and I think I might've made a weird noise, but it was one of those..."I've waited so long that I'm not sure what to do now that this is really happening" things.

I remember being really hungry all day.
And being a little frustrated that Mr. LaCroix doesn't come in until just before choir now, instead of around 9 like he's supposed to, so that second period vocalists can work with him. I haven't been able to work with him since before All-State, and I JUST got my solo/ensemble music, and I just really want to work with him, because I just can't stand feeling this unprepared so close to the date.
But I mean, I wasn't frustrated at Mr. LaCroix, I was just frustrated with the fact that even when he has five-ten minutes before choir, I never get to work with him. Marty works with him, sometimes Adrian. I don't know what the fuck Haley is doing, she's kind of not doing anything. Okay, this week I've seen a lot of improvement, but lately I just don't know what's up with her. I'm not the only one who's noticed. I'm not criticizing her, I don't know what's going on. I'm just saying, something's off, and I don't understand.

I keep remembering something that happened yesterday, that I feel the need to jot down, so I remember for later. It doesn't mean anything, but it kind of makes me smile.
Yesterday, I was saying goodbye to Wesley, Chris, and Jack. And, being me, and being so, so happy, I said to them, "I love you guys. All of you."
And Jack, jokingly, said, "Oh, but she loves Chris the most."
And in that moment, I had options to react. I could deny it politely, even though I know he was just joking. I mean, it's not really true, seeing as Jack is one of my best friends, and I've been hanging out with Wesley a lot lately now that we have class together. The three of them are a fun bunch, so why rank?
I could also just laugh it off.
I could tell Jack I love him the most, because he is one of my best friends.
But what I chose to do instead, was smile. Just smile.
And I smiled, and Chris locked eyes with me and smiled back, that way he does (the way we do) when we're playing around.

Jack's response was, "DAMMIT, IT'S TRUE", laughingly. It was really funny. It was a heart-smiling kind of moment.
I miss yesterday. Something was special about yesterday, a quality that I wish I could describe. I don't know.

I'm not sure what else to say here. I had other stuff, but I painted my nails and tried to take a nap instead of getting on my computer, so. I forgot most of it. Yeh.

I guess that's it then. Here's to one of the more aimless, incoherent posts of mine. But surely not the last.
Goodnight.

Today was outsanding.

2012-02-09T21:58:00.002-05:00

Everyone said it was the full moon. They're saying "everyone is freaking out". I didn't really notice, but I guess the affect on me is this........unusually good day. I can't remember anything particularly good that happened at the beginning, but even so it felt like a snowball of good things coming along until the end. Yeah, it kind of petered out once I got home, but it didn't go down any. It sustained a good feeling, that I still have. It's......nice. It's relaxing, it's chill.

I feel somewhat organized about my thoughts today. Not permanently, obviously, but today, my thoughts are not fighting one another.

Clara had a good day, I know she felt it, too.
Haley seemed much better than she has lately, and she and Clara were talking and laughing, which is always good to see and hear.
Jack was splendid. I didn't really talk to him until 5 o'clock, just before we left, but he was off the walls as well.

It was just a good day, I guess.

Spent a good amount of time with Chris. I've been spending a lot of time with Chris lately, but today went overtime. We went to Wal-Mart and bought retractable lightsabers. We listened to Flight of the Concords on the way to and back. We talked about wizard rock in between. We freaking ran into Jocelyn and Spencer in the Star Wars toys aisle, and bought our lightsabers altogether. I love our nerdy talks. I love.....being myself. There's this whole side of me I didn't even realize I was repressing, and it feels great to let it out sometimes. You know, without feeling like a pretentious asshole. That's a big danger with nerd-talk. Sounding like a pretentious asshole. But Chris is so reasonable! And Jocelyn, too. Both of them are great to have around.

I worked with Shannon today. That was my "NHS tutoring"--a little vocal coaching, from about three-thirty to four-thirty/five o'clock-ish. She's letting loose, a little bit, and she and Marty said they could really hear the improvement when they listened to the recording. She's learning to be less tense, less mentally focused on the physicality of the words, and of the actual singing. She's learning that singing is not this concrete thing that must be put together piece by piece, consonant to consonant, technique, technique. Singing is music, and music is freer than that.
Sure, in a choir, we're taught to put the reigns on it, tell it to go where we want it to go. But it's a dual skill, to know where to turn it loose, cut the slack in the appropriate places. As a soloist, you need to give yourself more free range, and throw it out there, whatever you've got.
She's so uncertain and hesitant. But she's definitely learning, and I'm proud of her.

Afterwards, hanging out with Jack, and Chris, and Wesley, and suddenly the topic of Daniel comes up. And it's obvious he hasn't fully left. He's still with Jack, and me, who talk to him semi-regularly (no doubt him more than me). He's still with Chris and Wesley, for all the times they spent together doing projects, and/or in engineering, respectively. I miss him so much, more than I even imagined I would. I remember the last time we saw him, not feeling real, like that couldn't possibly be it. And now my heart is so set on him going to school in Florida, I can't help but imagine Jack and I will both be crushed if he doesn't make it. This is so much more than I bargained for.

I love hanging out with Chris and Jack together. They just warm my heart in an indescribable, unique way. For one, they've got this tangible connection...as if they're breathing at the same time. (That's a weird description, but that's what it feels like to be around them.) Two, I feel a connection to them. As far as boys go, they're two of my best friends. As incredibly cheesy as it is, when they're around, I just feel more......complete. Yeah, I said that. Don't judge me, today was amazing.

Although, it was a little off-setting, to hear Chris talk about his girlfriend today. And to see her picture in the newspaper he showed me. I mean, I know about her. I've met her, and as far as I can tell, she's sweet as pie. As far as I can tell, I like her. So it's not new to me. It's just that, we don't talk about her a lot. She hasn't come up, as much as she used to, anyway. It had gotten to the point where I wanted to ask about her, because I hadn't heard about her in so long.
So today when she was mentioned, several times, in different contexts...I don't know. It reminded me of something. When he talks about her, the way he talks about her, it's kind of like.......like he had been holding my heart in his hands for a little while, and it felt really nice, but he knew he had to put it back, so he did. He placed it back, in its little spot on this dusty little shelf, waiting for someone else to admire it, to come pick it up for keeps.
I appreciate Chris. And I'm pretty sure he appreciates me. And you know what? I really like our friendship. We're funny together. His company is enjoyable. I don't know if this sounds really stand-offish and impersonal. "Oh, I think his company is enjoyable." But it's kind of my way of saying...I like him so much, that I don't need much from him to make me happy. He's a respectable human being with so much to offer, and if you know me as well as I do, that goes a long way with me.

And to top it all off, this.

LOL, I'm okay with it too, dude.

(the one Like on that comment is him, too xDDDD HE'S OBVIOUSLY OKAY WITH IT)

I just typed up about half of this, then went back and added 50% more. I've said this before, but really. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never run out of words.

But, better to write them all out here than ramble to someone else directly. I talk way too much anyway.

I just have a lot of words, okay.

I need to do research for Music Appreciation. The working bibliography is due tomorrow, and I haven't started it. Eek.

I haven't done any homework today. It was just way too good to stress about. And I'm not gonna stress about this assignment. It's an in-progress, so I can do the bare minimum for tomorrow and fill it out in a week's time. No stress.

Goodnight, blog and potential blog reader(s). See you tomorrow, most likely.

With love.

"Your mom's a whore"

2012-02-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

I see why everyone loved Blink-182 back in the day. Or maybe why they still love them today? They entertain me.

Right, right, update.

I'm doing all right.

I don't feel much of anything right now.

Drawing is more fun when it's not competing with the urge to go to bed.

I haven't eaten dinner, but too lazy to get up. Plus, working.

Hope we didn't have homework.

I need the February schedule. I don't know what's going on and feel totally unprepared.

Shit, tutoring tomorrow. I wish I could just skip, but I have no legitimate reason.

I'm of no help to anyone.

He's considering going to FSU...

2012-02-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

I mean, he's still got a year left of high school, but if he's only looking at UF or FSU, between me and Abby, I'm sure we could sway him the Seminole direction.

Am I really making an important life decision by something a guy says?

LOL NO.

But, I mean, it plays a factor. A very, very "last resort"-type factor.
I'm a terrible decision-maker. I feel like Ringling and FSU's good and bad points balance each other just enough that I'm running out of ways to compare them.

The last obvious resource is...who's going?

Let's look at it, people-wise.

A good point about Ringling: Hardly anyone I know will be there. I can start anew, in a whole new life.
A bad point about Ringling: It'll look a lot like the Villages, kind of canceling that out. (Ironically, this used to be a good thing, but I think maybe I need a more drastic change)

A good point about FSU: Multiple: Julian (yes, this is a good point. I'm counting it as one, anyway) and Robbie (potentially?). Abby would be proud. Abel is a huge maybe that won't be resolved for another year at least.
But he did JUST text me saying he'll probably go to FSU.

I mean, all things considered, it looks like a safe bet. FSU looks like a safe bet.

Sorry Kelsey, Denise, Charles and Steven. I might not be seeing you guys after all.

NOT THAT THIS MEANS I'VE MADE A DECISION
although I'm getting there.
I really need to make one soon.

But nothing official until I've completed my application to Ringling and have been accepted.
My heart is still torn, and no matter what I do, I'll have regrets.

I just hope the bright sides are bright enough to wash them out.

My clothes have been rearranged today

2012-02-05T23:55:00.001-05:00

Got a boxful of garage sale/donation clothes, and now all my house clothes are folded properly on their shelves, my pajamas are separate, my underwear is in a covered drawer in my closet so people don't find them unless they're hardcore snooping, and my hanging clothes are really color-coordinated, not the half-assed stuff my mom was saying earlier LOL. I mean, she didn't even try, she just moved my stuff from the closet in the other room to this one, in chunks. They just happened to be kind of color-coordinated, because I like them that way.

Anyway.

This was a good weekend.

I didn't do any homework though. WHOOPS, let's get to that...

P.S. Abel commented on something I put on his wall! HE NEVER COMMENTS ON ANYTHING, he only ever Likes things. NOT THAT THIS MEANS ANYTHING, I was just astounded that he actually used words lol.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I obsess over guys in my head just to block out guys that I want to get over. It's like pinching and hurting yourself to get your mind off a greater pain, until it becomes the greater pain and the other is long faded, and you yet again need a new wound to fuss over. Whatever.

Channing Tatum (Step Up) married that one girl (Step Up)

2012-02-05T00:52:00.000-05:00

I love it when canon romances carry over into reality. It makes everything so much easier on the brain.

I'm watching SNL. Kind of. I mean, I'm paying attention, mostly, even though I'm sitting on the side of the couch where I'm facing the same direction the TV is, so I have to crane around to see it. Lol.

Abel Crossley went from being "in a relationship" to "single."

My reaction was kind of a spit/laugh of disbelief. I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I think I'm really not supposed to feel anything at all. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Speaking of which, I need to stop getting upset over celebrity divorces and laughing at IRL break-ups. Again, something is wrong with me.

Number one reason for me not to get married: my absurd fear of divorce.

Number one reason to have a child/children: to be the best parent I could possibly be for a child. To make sure they are raised in a house of love, and wisdom, and make the world that much better.
Number one reason not to have a child/children: to end up being a terrible parent. To end up like my dad.

Today was, overall, a good day. For me, anyway. Not really as a whole.

Last night my dad went ballistic and threw shit because we cooked the salted pollock instead of the unsalted pollock. The bright side was he obviously lost and we didn't have to deal with him for the rest of the night. My mom and I ended up watching hours to TV together--shows we didn't even watch--just to chill out, until we fell asleep on the couch.

I didn't have to deal with my dad much of the morning, either, which was nice. I feel awful thinking stuff like that is nice. I feel awful remembering that when I was little I learned about divorce, and would fantasize what life would be like if mom and dad got a divorce. I thought it would be grand, that I could just live with my mom and not have to deal with my dad.

That's such a horrible thought. I have serious relationship issues, obviously.

Even so...this morning was nice. It was quiet. I cleaned up and got started on my chores without being nagged. After breakfast my mom and grandma went to pick up medicine from the pharmacy and I kept working. I cleaned and washed my car. I gave my dog a bath. I got stuff done, outside, without being yelled at by my dad. I got to go in and shower and eat dinner and chiilllll.

The not so good part was the tension in the house after my dad got home. At one point everyone was in the kitchen at once, and it was tense as crap. Everyone was talking quietly, treading lightly. I was just trying to act normal.

Whatever, it's over now. Mom and dad went to bed, I'm the only one left awake, to record my thoughts of the day.

I'm eating a box of snack raisins. Well, you know, the raisins in the box. Not the box itself.

What the fuck? I just checked Abel's FB, just to make sure.
His relationship was "FB Official" just yesterday.
AND on February 2nd, his girl wrote on his wall, "Poop."
HEY, on January 15th, I wrote on his wall, "POOP"
Surely it means nothing.
But at the same time, like...WHAT THE HELL.
They'd better really be broken up, or I'm gonna be disappointed.
I really was okay with it, but now that it might be over...you know. Hope, and shit.

There was a Captain Morgan commercial with "Ball and a Biscuit" on it. I enjoyed it.

I feel like there were other random thoughts to put here, but somehow this post became one about my family and relationship problems, and Abel.

I wish I could see him more often. When I'm with him, he essentially eliminates every other boy I even think about. Around here, I'm always looking around, wondering whys and hows. It's gotten to the point where I kind of want a boyfriend, because the only boys around here I'd even consider dating all have girlfriends. Or maybe it's because all my closest guy friends have girlfriends? Or maybe it's a combination because the only guys I'd date are some of my best friends.

Aaaand that particular list is cut short as I'm approaching the point where I'm not willing to date anyone around here before graduation. The exception would be Chris, who is very happy with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for a pretty long time (I can't remember exactly how long). Or Abel, of course, but the graduation deadline doesn't apply for him because I'll be seeing him for the rest of my life. It's just that, as nice as I'm sure it would be to have a boyfriend, I don't want to start anything so late. We'll be gone in a few months, and I need to focus on the future. It really just doesn't seem plausible. Not worth it, even.

But, I mean, will it ever be? For me?

I need to erase everything I think I know about relationships, because at this rate with how I feel, I'll never have anything that lasts.

I need to pee, and I ran out of raisins. I should probably brush my teeth and go to bed.

I don't think of this as a negative post. I'm just being thoughtful.

ACTUALLY, LAST ONE - THIS IS RELEVANT

2012-02-03T18:22:00.003-05:00

The youtube for the song I just posted.

A comment: "Why is everyone talking about a scene in a movie?"

They have no idea hahaha.

For no discernible reason.......very possibly my favorite movie of all time.

3 posts, 1 day! Lol.

2012-02-03T18:20:00.001-05:00

Just Tuesday, I felt like the world was falling apart.

It seems, in the history of me, that every time I feel so overdramatic like that, as long as I let it all out (through blogging, crying, eating/stuffing my face, blashkdjhas, etc. [all of which was indulged in Tuesday night])
I typically find myself fine the next day.

Better, even, than before.

I don't know if this is a mood pattern, or a physical pattern.

Crying generally helps.

I hate doing it, because when I actually allow myself to do it are the times when I really need to and end up crying for an hour straight or something like that. I don't time myself.

Remember middle school and the beginning of high school when I never let myself really cry?

Yeah, I'm over that. Crying definitely helps when you can just let it all go.

Everything makes me cry now. Thinking too much makes me cry. Sad stories make me cry. Sad music makes me cry. My own voice makes me cry, when I try to tell someone I'm all right and it comes out horribly, like I'm barely holding together. Stuff just makes me cry. It's gotten to the point where it's pretty embarrassing, especially around people that knew me during my never-ever-cry years.
But it's whatever.

I'mma go now. I'm tired of writing.

Sometimes it seems I will never run out of words.

I know I am defending an Old Dream.

2012-02-03T18:08:00.002-05:00

Now I have New Dreams.

But some Dreams are recurring.

Big Dreams Die Hard.

These days...

2012-02-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

"These days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do."

http://cedarseed.deviantart.com/journal/7-Reasons-Why-You-Should-Go-to-Art-School-214154871

Yesterday was good. Today was generally kind of stupid, but mostly because sick.

I can't tell if going to an art school is too big of a risk, financially. It's like...do I want to spend an exceptional heap of money going to a school that will surely put me ahead of a lot of other artists and might land me a really good job that I love? Or do I want to spend an average heap of money going to a school that will expose me to a larger variety of fields and people and experiences that may land me an OK job without leaving me in a huge amount of debt?

So basically...
(Potential job + some debt) vs. (potential really good job + a ton of debt)

The thing is, neither ensure me any job at all; only I am responsible for that. An art school would probably raise my chances of getting an art-related job (not that I can imagine possibly doing anything else), but a regular state school will still do its best without making my parents cry. And I'll be able to take music, and explore other fields. Maybe I'll pursue a career in something else--although I don't count this factor heavily in my decision, because I know what I want to do. Drawing and designing and making things is not something I ever plan to give up, it's who I am. But, I mean, what if my main job becomes performing? I love that, too.

It's choir. I love choir. I treat it as my job, and school is just on the side (although that's hardly accurate, considering the weight I put on my grades). But when I am assigned something in choir, I do it as if I am paid to do it, and I enjoy it. I want it. I want to do more, I want to get better, I want to share my voice and the way I feel with everyone.
There are traveling choirs. That is what people do. I kind of want to travel, don't want to be anchored forever in one place, want to get out occasionally. I don't think I would mind that.

But anyway, back to school things.
I want to be surrounded by creative, artistic people. However, I don't think I want to be around them all the time. My brain's argument is that everyone is different--it's not like at an art school everyone is the same and I won't make any friends or I'll be sick of the lack of variety. It's not like I talk to a lot of people now that have interests very different from mine. I mean, friggin' Robbie likes to snowboard, but that's not what we talk about. We talk about music.
He plays guitar, I sing. I'll be an Illustration major, maybe I'll have friends in Graphic Design, Studio, Animation, etc. Variety.
And surely they'll have interests outside of visual art. Surely I'll meet some musicians. Heck, the dorm building had a piano in it, for the students.
And I'll have connections at an art school. Big connections, from the professors, to the recruiters, to the students. Some, if not many of them, will make it big.

Note: Something I've always wanted to try my hand in--voice acting. With animator/cartoonist friends, I could totally do that!

But I mean, they have those programs at state universities, too. And some of those kids will do well for themselves.
The very successful are not limited to certain schools. It's all about what the person has got.

I am not limited to a purely art/design school. What have I got?

What should I do?

Get home just before four; wake up just before six...wait, huh?

2012-02-01T18:07:00.004-05:00

Today was a fine day.

I woke up this morning and thought..."Today feels as if it will be a fine day."

And a fine day it was.

That is all.

But we all know the answer is for me to get the fuck over myself.

2012-01-31T20:35:00.002-05:00

But that's a contradiction in and of itself.

How am I supposed to live my life and do what's best for me if I stop thinking about myself?

I obviously just don't know how to live.

Can someone please just do it for me

The words "I can't"

2012-01-31T20:31:00.004-05:00

seem to have taken over my life.

I can't do my homework. I can't focus. I can't produce artwork. I can't sing properly, nothing sounds or feels right. I can't do anything satisfactorily. I can't do anything normal.

I can't figure myself out. I don't understand why I am suddenly just always so unhappy.
I'm fine during various parts of the day, but by the end of it, I'm sapped. I feel very little motivation to do the things I used to love.

I can't feel excited about Buffalo Palooza. I can't feel excited about performing--I actually wasn't planning to, but I think he assigned me something. That's what it sounded like this morning, anyway.
As much as I want, I can't feel excited about art club. About choir. About chamber choir. About prepping for art school. About going to college at all. Why do I have to? It's just a big load of, of, spending loads of money to spend time not making money. I can't afford anything by myself. I can't take care of myself.

I feel it now, especially, because all I seem to want to do is sleep and eat. And when I'm super hungry and have eaten all my food already, I want to go out to eat, but then I remember I have no time or money, no job and no time to have a job and make money. I'm just a cyclical wreck, and I'm just too tired to see past that.

I have to keep thinking things will come around, I know I'll come around, I know this is just a phase and I'll get past it. I know, I know, I know. But every day that "I can't" becomes a day wasted, and a day I regret.

Everyone's all, "Senior year, no regrets". "You only live once, no regrets." "Live without regret."

I have
so
many
regrets.

Every day is a new set.

And I just feel terrible. About my life, and myself.
I've become this abhorred creature toward which I can feel no pride or esteem. I am ashamed of myself for being lazy and dead, and I am ashamed of myself for being ashamed of myself.

Oh my God, what do I do?

Even now, I feel further from God than I've ever been.
Prayer feels fake to me, like a lie, like a forced habit. I can't feel my heart anymore.
I need help, but I'm afraid to ask for it. My mind and body do not accept help well. I am much too stubborn.
I could ask you, Rachel. I could ask my sister. I could just freaking go to church,
but the last time I went to church was really when I felt it.
I was empty, and sad, and alone, and just wanted to cry. Like, I felt like I was betraying God, by not being able to feel Him there anymore. By suddenly feeling that the whole mass, the service, everyone believing this was absurd. I want to believe, I want to, but I just don't know what or how to think anymore and it's breaking me.

I've never felt so lost.

You know what? I don't really wanna talk about today.

2012-01-29T20:51:00.000-05:00

I went through all these things I could write about, as they happened, but I don't wanna go into too much detail.
Is it time to make a chronological list? I think so!

Showered immediately after getting up, so shake off the sleep. Attitude: Good.
Within a few minutes of being out, my dad managed to make me want nothing more but to leave and/or crawl back into bed. I generally can't stand the man. I can't stand being his daughter. He's a big reason for me not to have children. Attitude: Why.
Dad leaves for a while. Get to work on organizing my portfolio. Attitude: Looking up.
Coasted on that mood for the rest of the day. Did chores without complaint. The main reason I typically don't work or do chores, or hate working or doing chores, is because I'm always yelled at to do them. When I'm asked nicely, there's really not a problem. I enjoy helping out. Dammit, why can't parents understand that?

In summation, based on my mood at the end of the day, today was "eh", on the cusp of "good". Work-wise, it was good. And that's always, well, it's always good.

Shower and last minute to-do's before bed. Goodnight.

As expected, today was "eh".

2012-01-29T19:57:00.001-05:00

Not as expected, I didn't get any homework done.

That's not to say I wasn't working. I did some house work (very little).
More importantly, I organized my plans about my portfolio, listing what needed to be scanned/photographed/uploaded, and actually completed and uploaded a few works to my Slideroom. Progress!
And I know I have enough to fill my portfolio. They're asking for 10-15, no more than 20, and about half should be observational. I'm aiming for 15 pieces, and have at least 7 observational drawings that I'm comfortable with submitting. Rock on.

Friday and Saturday were beautiful. I fucking love Abby. I kind of felt like Kaylee was kind of set aside while she was here, because Abby and I were just so excited to see each other, but we all did talk and get along, so I mean, it was a success. And that was just their introduction! I just feel like they'd really like each other if they got to know each other. It's very difficult not to like Abby, and Abby seemed pretty happy about meeting Kaylee too. Again, I think it was a success.

Adventuring with Kaylee in downtown Leesburg was wondrous. I feel like (and kind of hope) it was sort of a peek into our future. I would really love to live with her/as her neighbor in some homey little town in North Carolina and just do artsy shit for the rest of out lives. And adventure! And travel! And experiment with food and projects and stuff. Idk, we can start a book or weblog of our adventures. Our lives would be splendid. I just, I want that. That's all.

Saturday was splendid, for similar reasons. The morning was adventuring at the Saturday market in Leesburg, the afternoon was the party. It was when you (Rachel) and I had just fallen on Kaylee's bed, laughing, holding hands, that it hit me that we were "the trio". It's always a trio. Once upon a time, it was me, and Ana, and Grace. Sometimes it's me, you, and Sammy. At that moment, it was me, you, and Kaylee, all back together again. With your +1, of course ;) It was great that he got to experience you with your girls, hahaha.

The night was nice. Being around and talking about Tanner, and you with Branden, made me think of Abel. I miss him and his quirkiness. And dancing with him, and walking with him in the dark. It was just nice, even as just friends. He's really sweet. I haven't seen him since that night; it's hard to imagine he's real. I hope he is, because he's therefore a whole lot better than the boys in front of me around here.

Being called for dinner. Will probably add another post just for today, and its roller coaster emotions (I always and without fail think of Scrubs when someone says something about emotional roller coasters).

Bye~
M

AMY LEE GET OUT OF MY HEAD

2012-01-27T00:17:00.000-05:00

"Say You Will" by Evanescence

It's taking you too long to decide
And I don't want to be the one, the one
Crying over wasted time

If you think you're strong enough to let me in
Then come on, stand up and be honest, be honest
I'm tired of feeling so alone
'Cause you won't let me understand
I don't wanna pretend, I wanna feel, I want to love

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

Whenever you're around, I can't fight it
You get under my skin the way that I like it
And I can't take anymore
Tell me what you want from me or leave me alone
'Cause I'm all caught up and I'm losing control

I'm tired of holding on so tight
When you won't let me understand
Now I'm falling apart
I never meant to lose myself

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?
Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

Like drops of rain against my heart
Cut through like silver
And I want to make you feel that way
And I want to make you feel the way that I do

Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?
Say you will or say you won't
Open your heart to me
Now or never, tell the truth
Is this real, is this real?

I'm gonna start trying to keep track of my days. Looking for patterns in my moods.

2012-01-26T23:47:00.003-05:00

That being said, today was a'ight. I laughed a lot again, today. Everything was funny for some reason.

I realize that probably sounds like that's new to me, although I know it's not. Sometimes I feel like everything is funny. Most of my memories from life before eighth grade are like that. We were always the loud lunch group, we were always yelling and laughing. We laughed so much. We were so funny, we were hilarious, we were a riot.
It kind of feels new, though, relative to the past couple of weeks. It always feels like it's been a while. I always say to myself, "This is the first time I've felt like this in a while." But it's probably rarely true, or at least the "while" isn't as long as I always think. Taking note in this blog, in this journal, ought to help me clear that up.

Status update, you and Clara still seem really down. It's actually more noticeable now that my heads a little clearer and I'm getting more sleep. Clara seems to be picking up a bit, albeit feeling under the weather. You don't.
Truth be told, I don't want to hear all about Logan and how bad she is, or all the people giving you a hard time and how. I will definitely listen if you ever want to pour it out to me. Definitely. But I'm mostly concerned with trying to make you feel better. Without being obtrusive, of course. For example, if it were me, if you went out and baked me a friggin' cake, I'd feel more guilty than better. I wouldn't want super extra attention. I don't know how to deal with this or make it better, but......I don't know, I just wish there was some way, in my power, I could help.

Another status update, this time on my thoughts. WARNING if you're sick of my love life complaints and rambles. I've been really good about not thinking about stuff like this since New Year's, honestly! But these thoughts are always hovering at the floor of my mind, waiting to be kicked up by the wind of a passerby. Certainly, last week. Certainly, today.
I never did make a physical list of "Boys That Would Make Superb Husbands". I don't really remember who's on it, besides Chris and Robbie. I added Abel, because, surely. Lauren too, most likely, I just never thought about it much because I don't know him that well and have zero chance with him ever.
That was not even what I was going to talk about. That was a defense mechanism to try to fool either me or le reader to believe that what I really wanted to talk about is not an obsession, is not constantly on my mind, is not haunting me and begging for attention. You can probably guess. I'm talking about Julian.

So I've realized, to try to say it in the simplest way, that Julian is the mistake that I will just keep on making. He's got a girlfriend and I'm still drawn to him like a magnet. He's not good for me at all, we don't even have much in common, and he can make me so mad, but I keep coming back, and I can't explain why. I know that I love him; can't that be enough? Can't I just be friends with the guy without wondering what he thinks of me, what it would be like to be with him, if we have a future, why do I feel the way I do?
It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I say Julian is the mistake I will continue to make, but on the other hand he is a mistake I never really made.
Because I am me, and this is how I am, I'm not going to push anything. I will not rock the boat, or break the status quo. Yet a part of me is just very afraid that he will remain in my life, a giant question mark over my years.

Surely I must have some sort of emotional amnesia.

2012-01-25T20:29:00.002-05:00

A few days ago, and for several consecutive days, I was crying in the bathroom, crying in a practice room, crying just outside the cafeteria, crying in my sleep and in my dreams, thinking, believing, that nothing I could do, nothing I knew or loved, could possibly be worth the way that I felt.

Last night I went on a big ol' spiel about being depressed, or manically depressed.
This morning, I woke up neutrally. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, as I hadn't for a couple weeks, but today I had no motivation to keep myself in bed, so I got myself up, on time. Went to school. Brought a thermos of coffee. And just lived life.

I was breathing and functioning. I was stressing out about my math test. I was telling jokes and laughing.
Actually, I laughed a lot today. I laughed really hard.
And I left school early. I didn't go to the music room to chill out--what usually calms my nerves felt like a waste of time. I had too much to do. I drove myself home.

My mom was home. She bought me some snacks. I ate and watched TV. Whatever talk show was on, I don't even remember. And then I sat down and did homework and got distracted and of course lost myself somewhere in the process.

But the point is, I feel fine. I don't feel much at all. I'm okay.

And the truth is, I wouldn't mind feeling like this all the time. So easy. Nice.

i just realized this is not coherent at all

2012-01-25T00:15:00.004-05:00

1. Once upon a time I had so much respect for you and then I got to know you over time through your actions and the way you voiced your opinions and fought for them and completely changed my mind about you. I feel bad for you, for being an insensitive artist. For being a beggar that doesn't give. For being a visionary without the resources to see things through. For having wide eyes, a closed mind, and an open mouth. Until you learn to adapt, you will forever want and never win. You're a self-righteous fool.

2. It freaks me out how closely I relate to people with actual mental health issues. It's always a subject that has fascinated me, and I would always try to find the traits of different disorders that fit me. I was a child like that. But lately people who have been battling things like anxiety and depression have been trying to explain what it's like, and considering my range of emotions affecting me the past school year, I've been able to relate more than ever before. The headaches, the stomachaches, the nervous habits, the shaking and the vertigo. The narcolepsy and lethargy. The apathy and anger. Insomnia. Bitterness. This time you can't try to tell me it's all in my head, or it's called "being a teenager". I've been a teenager for over five years now, and it's never been this bad. Yet, at the same time, it's not new. I've been exhibiting signs of manic depression since I was little.

No one wants to take me seriously. As a teenager, and as me, it's always just assumed that I'm looking for attention, or I'm trying to put in possible answers, reasons to blame for the way I feel. I'm being melodramatic, it's all in my head. It's a goddamn phase.

But I don't think it is. This is a legitimate concern. I'm not joking. It's actually getting in the way of my life.

Am I going to do anything about it? Absolutely not, probably the only people who can really help me are my parents, and they would surely be angry and/or disappointed that I would even think such things.

But I've been thinking a lot worse lately.

I want to be helped. I want to feel normal. It's just hard when I'm forced to pretend that I do.

I'm really sorry.

2012-01-23T23:54:00.001-05:00

I AM NOT REAL

2012-01-23T23:53:00.003-05:00

NOTHING IS REAL

REALITY IS SUBJECTIVE

THEREFORE IT IS OPTIONAL

AND I CHOOSE TO REFUSE WHAT IS GIVEN ME

BECAUSE I AM A FAULT OF NATURE

I AM A LAPSE IN JUDGEMENT

I AM THE EMBODIMENT OF ALL THAT IS WRONG IN LOGIC AND REASON

AND I SHOULD NOT EXIST

but I cannot do anything about it
because nothing I say or do or think really matters in the long run
because I am not a substantial life.

Why is everything so complicated?
Why does everything I am hurt everyone I love?
How long have I been doing everything wrong?

I just want to feel some sort of stablility

2012-01-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

Everything's moving and everything's changing and I don't want to have to care about it. I want to wake up in a small apartment alone, sunlight streaming through the window. I want to get dressed and go to some school or workplace where I only know a few people that I don't have to spend all day with but can easily go have a coffee or lunch or dinner with without it being awkward or quotidian. I want to go home at night and maybe chat with some long-distance boyfriend or something that I only ever see once a month. Or otherwise shower, eat a TV dinner and some crackers, have a drink, and sleep off the day.

I want to get out of here, and away from these people that think they know me. The ones that stare and judge me but don't dare to talk to me. I'm untouchable. I'm to be looked at and pitied from afar.

I want to live my life as a ghost.
The only person I want to have to think about at the end of the day is myself.

I am the only thing that will never surprise me.

She tried to convince me it wasn't a big deal

2012-01-18T19:54:00.003-05:00

She said don't saying anything about it. It's silly, and I'd done nothing wrong.

But I feel like, if you think I did, then in your mind I did, and if I don't do something, it will never be right. It will sit there, and breed, into a prejudice that I can't afford.
You know those 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens? You know the one that says, "Relationships are like bank accounts" and you've gotta make deposits to keep it up? Well, I'm basically all out. Spent. I haven't been myself almost all year, and many of my relationships outside of my family have run dry. I'm a stranger to most, and I know it's all my fault.

If I'm reading way too much into this, ignore it. But if there really is something, please, talk to me.
I can't remember a time when I was mad at you for anything. We both know I'm of short temper and I get annoyed easily--the hypocrite of the world--but you've never done anything I could blame you for. I've done everything wrong, am doing everything wrong, and all you've ever done is encourage me and tell me I am loved.

I'm horrible at consoling others. I'm a terrible communicator. I typically only ever say as much as I want to, or else write it all down; therefore, on the flipside, when it's someone else, I don't ask questions. I let them say as much as they want to un-coerced. If they don't talk, I'll never know.

If you don't talk, I'll never know.

Something was obviously wrong today.

I'm not going to pry, and if you don't say anything, I won't ask.

But please...at least talk.

I don't want the only thing we say to each other to be, "Bye."

What I really wanna know

2012-01-09T20:44:00.003-05:00

is why you broke up with your girlfriend after two weeks
kissed me literally three days later,
right before our two week holiday break
and then got back together with that girlfriend
a few days back in school.

Actually, I guess I'm just hoping you would have a good answer.

Maybe I wanna know if I mean anything to you at all.
Well, I must...right?

How many other girls do you try to pull this with?
Which of them actually care?

What am I to you?

The Bachelor is on TV behind me.

2012-01-09T20:34:00.001-05:00

So I'm passively listening while I do my homework, and occasionally turn around to see. What I gather is that he's on one of his first dates with this girl, and they seem like they're having a really good time without being hella tacky, and I turn around......and they kiss. Okay, it's not a big inappropriate kiss, but it reminded me how much it irks me to see stuff like that.

Okay, yeah, lately, the PDA, cuddly/kissy stuff has been hard to stomach at school--"lately" applying to this year. But that's not even what I mean.

I mean, the fact that he's going to be dating x many girls at the same time, and kissing all of them like that, and some of them more.
What I saw was a simple little kiss. Soft, a little shy. Really nothing that should bother any onlooker.

But I've had that kind of kiss before.

And you know what? I don't like the idea of having to share that kiss with other people.

Really, it's so dumb.

2011-12-31T12:05:00.001-05:00

All of it. I have all these words, all these thoughts, about to burst out of me, that I need to take up my abandoned blog again, just to write them all down. When none of it really matters, in the long-run.

Bottom line, my friends are my friends. Clara, Michael, Abel, Julian. They're all my friends. I shouldn't be trying to analyze what's wrong or what's right with our relationships. I'm just supposed to care about them and be there when they want me. If that's always, I'll do my best. If it's never, well, fine by me.

If Clara wants to go to a museum with me, I want to go, too.

If Michael doesn't care to have me in his life anymore, so be it. He's always welcome in mine.

If Abel doesn't spare me a thought, that's fine. He's just another boy. I'll see him again soon enough. There will be plenty of time for us in the future, if we find something worth pursuing.

If Julian only needs someone who will never give up on him, well, he's got it. It's silly for me to think I can get him out of my life anytime before graduation. Plus, I think it says something, how we don't talk or hang out that much, but we're still close. As much bullshit as I have taken from him, it really doesn't matter. I should know I can't take him seriously. He doesn't do it on purpose. I'm not just being easy on him; everything is as much my fault as it is his. I've been telling myself I shouldn't have to deal with it, with him, but in the end, the only one who's been making me, was me. I really don't have to take his crap. I don't have to take his crap to be his friend.
I don't want to lose him, if I don't have to. I don't want him out of my life, any sooner than he has to be.

And that's just how it is.

Everything's going to be all right, and I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, the rest of senior year. Keep on.

Happy New Year, everyone.

"still *love you. Even if you're a dick"

2011-12-31T11:35:00.001-05:00

"That kinda makes it worse! I feel like I'm this awful creature that doesn't deserve anything from you"

"Oh. Well, sucks for you, because I don't think I could ever hate you. It's hard enough to stay mad at you, since I forgive you for everything like a day later"

......

"I'm sorrryyyy c:"

":P <3"

Furthermore!

2011-12-27T00:23:00.000-05:00

I will not be your goddamn teacup pig.

I don't mean a thing to you; why should I let you use me

I had a fine Christmas.

2011-12-26T16:18:00.005-05:00

To: M. de Torres

Subject: Re: Saw this and thought of you

I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!

THANK YOUUUUUUUU

- Daniel Schaub

----------------------------------------------

To: Daniel Schaub

Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2011 9:26 PM

Subject: Saw this and thought of you

As copied and pasted from my tumblr!

2011-12-24T01:05:00.001-05:00

Screw you. You need to stop motherfuckin’ messing with me, because I actually fucking care about you and what you do, and I have been waiting for years for you to man up, grow up, and find a girl who is actually worth your time, but instead I have watched you pursue substandard relationships and sell yourself short. At this point, I can’t tell what or whom is “worth your time”, considering the extent to which you have let yourself depreciate. I was wrong; I don’t think I would let you in again. Because you never fail to piss me off afterwards, and I’m done walking into the same old trap. I don’t need you, and you add nothing to my life but excess grief.

bullshit, all of it.

2011-12-24T00:37:00.001-05:00

Clara and Michael are my friends. I'm not willing to let that go just because we're not "together".

Fuck Julian. I will always be attracted to him. I refuse to be around him enough to consistently loathe him, as easy as that would be. I want to remember him by all his attributes that I admired or loved, and even the characteristics that irked me, or made me wince. The things that made him Julian, in my mind.
I don't really care to remember anything else, or pursue any new memories.
Now, I don't know how long that resolution will last; if history serves as any indication, I obviously find him irresistible. But any sort of long term future with him is clearly--as it has been--out of the question.

Most likely, Abel don't give shit about me. So. Yeah.
He was actually supposed to come over today, with his sister and Parker. From Jacksonville. But he stayed behind. Ugh. I wasn't originally expecting him, but since last night when they said he was coming, I was...so excited. And nervous. It was actually pretty embarrassing. And then...he didn't come. And I was all the more disappointed. I was actually legitimately upset. I told Meghon, and Abby, and Parker. I just complained. I couldn't hold it in.
And you know what? I hope he does feel bad.
Maybe, if he actually likes me even a little, he might try to make it up to me somehow. The thing is, I know he probably won't. But that's fine, too. At least I'll know.

Why can't I just stick to my original plan of remaining single until college, and maybe even beyond?
I feel like that's the most stable, and smartest plan.

so many words, just gotta get them out

2011-12-23T00:37:00.000-05:00

"If it ain't true, it ain't you"! Not gonna lie, I laughed much harder than I thought I might. But you're right.

It's just all weird.

This morning, I broke up with my fake girlfriend. I was with her when she had a crush on my lesbian friend, who would flirt with her and lead her on, unintentionally, because she was hung up on her ex (whom she had dated for nearly three years). I was with her when said lesbian friend got back together with her ex, which probably stung a lot. I was with her when she had a crush on her straight best friend, which is obviously a dead end. When she proposed we "date", I told her at the beginning I didn't want to lead her on. She understood, and I was initially pretty excited about this playful, not serious dating. But it was starting to sound like she was wishing it was real. And I was/am starting to develop feelings for someone else (a guy). So, I had to break up with her.
She replied with, oh, she was only joking, so it was kind of awkward that I was breaking up with her for those reasons.
I told her, I wasn't joking. Because, fake dating or not, it felt wrong, to be liking someone while "dating" someone else. And because I couldn't help the one, I had to end the other.

Abel. I am developing these "feelings" for Abel.
But you know what? He's probably nothing. He's probably a false alarm. He'sextremely attractive. He's basically everything I want in a guy, rolledinto one. But he doesn't live around here, I'm rarely going to seehim,so he's basically not even real. And I've been thinking, my brother and his sister just got married. And they're both 23. I'm 18, he's 16-almost-17. If I were to pursue this, I thought...we're a little early. We don't have to rush this. What if it's not a good time? If we were to get married at early twenties like our siblings, what if we don't last that long? But then I remembered, my brother and his sister were dating for 5 years. That's from age 18. We're pretty much right there.
I started thinking, you know...maybe we could make it?
But then I remembered, who am I kidding? I'm terrible with relationships. I'm terrible at being a girlfriend. I've little to no desire to get married. Why should I do this, and ruin what will hopefully be a lifelong friendship? We are practically family; what kind of chance do I think I have?

Speaking of marriage. I just had to divorce my "facebook husband"...which sounds pathetic, because it obviously wasn't real, he's openly gay. But we were really close before he graduated last year, so we were married as, like, the last tie keeping us together. At least, that's how I felt it. And now that tie is gone.
So he's got a boyfriend (which is great, his boyfriend is really nice). But I saw him today for the first time in four months, and it just felt like....there was nothing left. I mean, this is gonna sound absolutely stupid, but I love him very strongly, in a very unusual way. Like, more than friends, but not so much "in love" with him. Like, yes, but no, not at all. Liiiike.....it still kind of hurts, in my heart, just to look at him. It's kind of like a weird sort of want. Like he is something that I might have had, but have accepted that I never will. No, it's not exactly that.....but that's really the closest I can get to describing it. Knowing and loving him has taught me a lot about who I am, and it created this unique connection between us that, most likely, only I can feel. It's always been completely one-sided.
He was a big part of making me who I am today, so the fact that that part of my life, in which he had such a large role, is pretty much officially over...I guess it was just thoroughly disappointing.

FINALLY. Fuckin'. Julian. I have no idea what he'sthinking. I have no idea what I am thinking. I thought I was over him.I think I am over him. If I step back, and take an impression of everythought I've ever given him, collectively, over the past four years, hehas made me more sad than happy.
Yet. When he touches me. Or talks to me. Or plays with my hair. Or winks at me. Or even fucking looks my way.He can somehow still make me happy. Even amongst the guys (and girls) Ihave had in my life for the past four years, even considering those Ihave dated, Julian is honestly the only one who has consistently given me butterflies. I don't get butterflies a lot. But with Julian, I admit, I've gotten them. Really. Bad.
Fluttering from my stomach, to my chest, to the palms of my hands andthe bottoms of my feet, joints shaking, can't sleep, can't breathe,motherfucking butterflies.
No, they haven't been that bad lately. I actually went a couple months actually convinced I was done with him.
Becausein September, he kissed me. I kissed him. It happened. Whatever.Nothing happened after that. I've known him since I was six, but thatdoesn't mean we're that close. Yeah, I can talk to him at any time,about anything, because we've known each other that long, but we don'ttalk or hang out often. Nothing changed. It was like it never happened.
I thought something might actually happen. Nope, never did.
Until this past Monday.
Oh God, I get nervous just thinking about it. I was going to write about it, but I just can't. It wasn't even a big deal, it really isn't a big deal, the action itself.
It was only a kiss. How did it end up like this?
The memory of it is just something I cannot convey accurately. You cannot know the magnitude of it without feeling what I felt, or feel now, just thinking about it. It's not so much what happened, as it is the fact that it did happen. And the realization that, yes, I would do it again. And again. And I will probably like it every time.
God, I really just don't know what's going on.
I've decided, he's really not good for me at all. I've convinced myself, we really just wouldn't work out.
Butthat doesn't change the fact that I still think about him every fuckingday. If only for a split second. It's still. Every. Fucking. Day.

I seriously think something is wrong with me. I have suchobsessive, ritualistic, and analytical/must-pick-everything-aparttendencies. And it's driving me insane, about all this shit thatclearly only exists in my mind.

SO THIS IS MY LOVE LIFE, GUYS.
The one that has been dormant, that was put to rest by me, since the end of last school year, that I wanted to keep that way for as long as possible, but that obviously has no obligation to yield to my will. My feelings are not under my control.
But, why should I ever have expected them to be?
I'm losing my mind, this stuff is the stuff I have the most trouble dealing with.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

can't say it was a one time thing when it's the second time I've done it

2011-12-21T21:01:00.001-05:00

and I would do it again.
the fuck is wrong with me.

dese bitches and dicks need to hop off my jock.

2011-12-21T12:13:00.001-05:00

I think I'm going to turn this into my bullshit "private"ish blog.

2011-12-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

Because it's no longer safe to post ultra personal things on my tumblr.

I hope you don't care.

I really just need a place to spill out the thoughts in which I am drowning. I just need some sort of reprieve from this fog.
Have you ever gotten sucked in so deep into all the shit in your mind that it pulls you into sleep?
I'm serious, this happens to me. I end up pretty much passing out, into a deep sleep, a sleep for the dead.
I need to get these thoughts out. Or I feel I might die.

And where better to put them, than my journal of "interminable brain spew"? Rather fitting, I should think.

So. Stay tuned for my mental nonsense. Or not. I only ask that you don't publicize what I write, or gossip about it, or tell anyone about this blog. I can be pretty open so long as you are straightforward with me. If there is something you want to know or clear up about anything I write here, come to me directly, and I'll see what I can do.

Until then,

M

Think I might clear this entire blog out sometime

2010-10-02T22:43:00.001-04:00

and just repost my old scans and pictures

and start over with just art stuff and ideas and poetry.

a clean start

this girl has grown out of herself

2010-09-23T00:09:00.002-04:00

this girl is a breath looking for a home on inviting lips

this girl is an ink stain waiting to happen on your paper

this girl is an anonymous nonsensical sticky note on your math book (and your planner, and your composition book, and your folder, and your art class sketchbook, and your chorus folder...)

this girl is bored, and can't remember how to "give a damn about the weather" ("but it never gave a damn about me")

this girl would dye her hair black if it were drastic and would make a difference (HAHAHA.)

this girl has trouble working up the motivation to do her homework until about 10-11 at night, every night

this girl is in love with what she can't have

but sometimes confuses that void for the thick feeling of "want" that fills up the space

this girl is grasping at her final connections, because she's afraid she'll lose herself again

like she did when she was a little girl

this girl has grown out of herself.

2010-09-05T23:38:00.002-04:00

Everything about the shell I've shed makes me sick inside.

Everything about the blob of nothing I am now is pale and personality-less and I'm not sure that I like it, but at this point I'm not sure I like or dislike anything anymore.

I always said I was born to create.

This soul was not built to do battle with the world

and I am so tired of fighting the ghosts of other people's demons.

I want to let everyone go

Dying Wick

2009-11-02T21:58:00.001-05:00

I hope you remember
to not ever forget;
I'm the last-lit candle
at the end of the set.
I'm another postcard
on the bottom of the pile;
I'll travel the world
to make you smile.

If you want to come home,
however long you've been gone,
we will light your way back,
smoldering one by one.
Just follow the faces
of your family and friends;
those you've missed in the front,
those like me at the end.

The music you make
and the pictures you paint
leave stains on our hearts;
though already they fade,
we can still hear your voice
call "I love you"s behind
to no one specific.
Yet we all reply:

"We love you forever!"
I hope you've realized
everyone of our hearts
broke saying goodbye.

I hope you remember
to not ever forget;
I'll whisper to your ghost
like a broken cassette:
I will love you forever
even though we've just met.
I'll be the last candle
at the end of the set.

Undercurrents

2009-10-26T21:43:00.004-04:00

One sea of rivers
All go different directions
Forever unchanged.

One ocean of streams
Peripherally, they meet
Then never the same.

----------

What does it matter - 'worth it'?

Some things - not our decision - in which case - all or nothing.

Make sense - fragments - never connect - with zero divisions - one way - next.

I'm waiting for the next stop.
I hope I haven't missed it.
~M

Daydreaming in Algebra

2009-09-28T21:12:00.004-04:00

Stealing stars out of electrical sockets;
they sting, so I slip them into my pocket.
I'll snack on them later, when it turns dark:
tongues tend to be tamer when dancing with sparks.

And I'll just swallow and smile
I'll just swallow and smile
Just swallow and smile
Swallow and smile
and smile.

Smile,
~M

I know you.

2009-09-26T23:33:00.002-04:00

I know you.
I know how you think. How you feel.

I know you.
You think you're not good enough.
You hear these words, you hear them all the time.
Wow, you're so smart. So pretty. So talented.
In one ear, out the other.
Do they really mean it?
You will never know.
You wonder to sleep.

I know you.
You don't sleep.
You miss dreaming.
You dream too much during the day.
Don't you know how daydreams hurt?
Because your heart isn't in them so naturally, like a dream.
You put it in consciously, and it pulls and tugs.
Dreaming during the day is wanting. Want want want.
I know.

I know you.
I know how you sing when you think no one is around.
I know how it feels--loud, clear, invincible.
But when people are listening, it's never right.

I know how you put emotion into your music.
You want beauty to break your heart.
You've been broken by a song, a lyric, a voice, a word, before.
You want that.
And you break and break again.
And then you wonder how you've gotten so broken inside.

I know you.
You want to live. You want to feel alive.
You don't know, but I do.
You've tasted it. But you hunger, like so many.
I know it.

I know you.

I love you. And I hope you find what you're looking for.

Bit of a Relapse

2009-07-19T01:01:00.005-04:00

You remember those nights we'd spend on the ArtChat until four in the morning?
You remember having sleepovers and genderbending characters from our favorite shows and games?
You remember the MSN chats with the mega crossovers at which we'd laugh so hard?
The zombies of us we doodled?
Your head wings that let you fly on an invisible chair?

I remember all of this.

I finished Soul Eater today. Er, yesterday. The 18th. It was fantastic.
I love character songs.
Kid's voice actor has such a gorgeous voice. <3
Black Star's voice actor(actress, actually) make Black Star out to be an incredible singer. The idea of even vocal power surging from the little powerful Star is...well, it's pure awesome.
Tsubaki has a rich voice. C: Much appreciated.

Soul is hot.
THERE. I said it.
I think a lot has to do with his SULTRY VOICE. >u>
Kid also has muy SULTRY VOICE.
I tend to like the characters with the SULTRY VOICES.
Tsubaki's voice is almost sultry, but she's too YAY to be omghot.
And I'm not so into girls .-.
Romeo had a pretty sultry voice in the recordings in English last year.

MakaxSoul is also good.

Here is Black Star and Tsubaki's song, "My Star" sketch.

I also drew a Liz+Kid+Patty pic, but it's too late to scan. Scanner is noisy and too close to parents' bedroom.

A little scoop of ice cream...

2009-07-17T19:34:00.004-04:00

I made these. Long before Tuesday's shopping adventure where we came across a shirt with rainbow cartoon bears. I had, like, a reference for the head, two for the body, and three for the tail. @_@

Tuesday was phenomenal. I don't remember having so much fun. <3
I've missed our little trio. The whole gang is fantastic, but there's nothing quite like a day of just us. C:

--

I just watched one of the most intense Soul Eater episodes yet, as the series comes to it's climax and close, and what do you know, halfway through, Megavideo screws up and the sounds is late. There was a lot of screaming in that episode too. It blew my mind and messed with my eyes, trying to connect the subs the the sound to the effects to the battle to the action to the characters constantly flying across the screen.
So Marie's eyepatch has to do with the outlet of her "Redemption" soul wavelength...impressive. One of the most destructive weapons, imbued with one of the greatest healing powers.
I love this show. <3

--

I've been overeating. It makes me feel horrible, but I keep feeling like I need to eat. x_X
I don't know what's going on with me.

--

I'm not done with my summer reading. I don't know how I can finish the Mark Twain in time. ;_;

--

I was shocked too. By how eager "friends" were to attack other "friends". But I haven't been around them much. My closer friends aren't like that. It made me wonder how many others in the world are like that. And how many are like you, scarred to thinking that everyone is the same, and there is no kindness anymore.

--

It's becoming harder to talk to people directly. I'm so used to shutting up inside over the summer. I've talked more than ever, yet have rarely left the house. It's been very unrewarding.
But I'm not feeling quite so depressed as it might sound. Which is also bordering disappointing.
It makes me thing....so it's true. That the less I live, the less I feel.

I don't know what to think of that. I usually go by gut-feeling, but as I said, I'm not feeling much of anything.

I want another snack. -_-

"Do Not Open"

2009-06-07T19:26:00.003-04:00

That's almost like an invitation, isn't it?

I had initially wanted to crop it under the area where the dude'd have eyes, but I like his hair, so here I'm keeping it.
Might change my mind later.
I also initially had the box say MYTOYBOX
because that is what I was listening to when I got this idea
but I got distracted
and changed my music in the middle of it
and lost the mood
and accidentally just drew whatever.
It's not very MYTOYBOX-y now.

Now it is just Brain Spew.
Enjoy.

Still dreaming,
~M

Well...

2009-06-03T00:53:00.002-04:00

Behold.
A WIP.

Thank you.
Have a nice day~

<3
~M

Do you remember when...?

2009-04-19T14:06:00.009-04:00

We used to sing,
Shalala lalalala lala ladeeda
Just like that.
Shalala lalalala lala ladeeda
La dee da~

---------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------

This is the story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world
While she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles~

Thursday Night Confessions

2009-04-09T23:01:00.009-04:00

I admit, I am a hypocrite
Just another human being.
I admit, I am a cynic
I can't believe what I'm not seeing.

I admit, I am a page-ripper
Tear out my memories.
I admit, I am a liar
I encourage kids to dream.

Because, I must admit
to see them lose
it simply breaks my heart.
But it's even worse
to know them, numb,
give up before the start.

I admit, I've done my dreaming
There's not much left for me to do.
I admit, I'm done with chasing
down the wish that won't come true.

But I admit, I never, ever want
the young to stop believing.
I admit, I am a hypocrite
Just another human being.

This poetry thing is quite alarming.
It's like since I destroyed the old diary I found in my nightstand
I tried to take away my past.
And now I have to relive it, to prove this part of me once existed.
This part to which words once flowed
that could never quite capture the feelings I kept.
Rhymes that felt clumsy to the tongue, but that I had to share anyway.
I don't even really like my writing, personally. But I give it to the public in surrender.
Old habits might die hard.
Some things don't die at all.

It might be regrettable. I can't tell right now.
I am so confused.
I don't know what keeps coming over me around the same hour every night.
Maybe if I keep track of these I'll find a pattern.

I didn't mean to sound so egotistical and kind of angsty. I apologize.

Don't worry, guys, I'm still looking up
~M

When the Ocean comes to play...

2009-04-08T23:19:00.007-04:00

The moon & the sun
will have their fun
but run away!
When the Ocean comes to play

The wind may sigh
The clouds may cry
Will no one stay?
When the Ocean comes to play

From the angry deep
The detritus weeps
To recall the day
When the Ocean came to play

Mother, daughter
Brother, father
Have washed away
When the Ocean came to play

Where the waters do keep
souls forever asleep
Those who wanted to stay
When the Ocean came to play

But the moon & the sun
have had their fun
Not even they stay
When the Ocean comes to play

You might not see it.
They might not see it.
But I swear I see it.
You are beautiful.
One day, I pray, you'll understand.

To no one in particular,
~M

P.S. I'm getting into writing again. It feels so wrong, yet so right at the same time.
Wish me luck.

Downbeat

2009-04-05T23:08:00.003-04:00

Our
- hearts are keeping time
(UPBEAT, DOWNBEAT, OFFBEAT)
We
- don't have to rhyme
Our bodies
- naturally align
Movement
- echoed, amplified
(UPBEAT, DOWNBEAT, OFFBEAT)
Mirror
- images collide
Feelings
- spark, electrified
High-voltage
- circuit of the mind
(UPBEAT, DOWNBEAT, OFFBEAT)

Our
- hearts are keeping time
(UPBEAT, DOWNBEAT, OFFBEAT)
We
- don't have to rhyme
Some things we
- cannot verbalize
[There's nothing
- left of me to find]
When I
- am so lost in your eyes...

This is me
this is me on an empty night.
The music is nothing
means nothing
is empty.
It hasn't stopped;
the time is off;
I need a song
to match me.

This is me
wishing I had Fruity Loops. :P
Or maybe Vocaloid, but I don't know how it works...
I don't know FL either, but I know someone who does...
I kind of really wish he would talk to me...
( I'm feeling...empty tonight )
But he's enjoying himself. So I understand.
I can wait.

Until further notice,
~M

A bit of an addict for dramatics..

2009-03-23T19:39:00.005-04:00

SO HERE'S HOW IT GOES:
I drew this sketch, you might have seen it before. I coloured it without lines, something I rarely do because I'm not that patient and suck at it. BUT MY LINES ARE ALWAYS TERRIBLE, so this actually looks REALLY SPIFF if I do say so myself :D
Didn't size down the sketch before colouring, to keep it as high-res as possible O:
Making a large poster version of my art to show off my new stamp and practice my signature made me feel like an egotistical @ss.
But I enjoyed myself. This was fun. It took crazy long, because I redid almost every element about 5 times or more (the hair, the shirt, the headphones, the giant lily, the fish, the outlet, etc.), but it was well worth it.
I should be even more of an egotistical @ss and get this printed all huge-like and put it in the Fine Arts Festival. AND SHOW SOME PEOPLE THAT I CAN IN FACT DO GRAPHIC ARTS WITHOUT THE ASSISTANCE OF A CLASS.
Even though having a class dedicated to it sounds pretty darn fun. :D

Some early WIP shots:

I'm not looking forward to giving my speech.
I'm late for my nightly Skype appointment with one of the coolest cats this side of the moon has ever known to breathe.
What do you guys think of omitting the choker thing? *doesn't want to admit she actually forgot to put them in* I left out the arm-tattoo-like thing on purpose, it was a bit too Disney's Pocahontas for me.
Anyway, feedback is always fun.

"Dreams the way we plan them...

2009-03-14T12:45:00.004-04:00

...if we work in tandem
there's no fight we cannot win!"

.....Idk, spontaneous musical number outburst plzkthx.

-------------------

I DREW A SHOE.

Cropped/sized-down for practicality.
Fail-marked because I suck that way :D
I got lazy near the end. Drawing shoes takes so long in one cramped position, I don't know why I'm so drawn to doing it.

Scan Dump

2009-03-11T23:03:00.009-04:00

HARK! I bring news of immense joy! I have recently done battle with my monster of a scanner, temporarily tamed the beast, and have returned with a mighty arsenal of scans at my disposal! I share a few of these now, in the order in which they occurred:

Scan of a sketch from 12/30/08
Some AZN for you AZN-ophiles out there.
Sketch is so smeary; I'll need to clean this up in, like, Photoshop or something. :/

2/4/09, my friggin' ROCK STAR from Geometry xD

3/1/09, disprop. shizz. I'm getting better at hair pencil-shading! That wrist is thicker than the other. This is so fugly. The proportions are all wrong. I sort of wanted it to look awkward, but this is a bit much. I should learn to work at a DESK instead of drawing with the sketchbook at a strange tilt in my lap with my legs crossed.

3/2/09 - Even I am fond of my own work here. It's...unusual for me. I love it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Current LOLs and random thoughts:

"Sapscapade" xD <333
Public bathroom toilet paper is hardly toilet paper at all D:<
My friggin' ROCK STAR from February
That Green Gentleman, Pas de Cheval
Green Finch and Linet Bird, A Little Priest
Regina Spektor, Kate Nash
Free Rice
Zyzy :D You've been missed!
The wonders of SKYPE
You <3

Keep in touch <3
~M, over and out

The Ants Go Marching

2009-03-10T22:55:00.003-04:00

Ugh, I've been wanting to update this for ages, and I've got several new sketches, but my scanner is a monster.
So sorry to disappoint. If it's any consolation, I too am disappointed.
Sort of.
No art club meeting tomorrow :C It's a bit sad thinking that so many good points can potentially come out of this one let-down. But I'll make do with these good points, as I should C: I'll get home early (er, at reasonable time), write my speech (WHICH I HAVEN'T DONE YET;;), maybe write down my biology word parts (will probably just end up doodling), tame my scanner (so I may upload more interesting things than old photos with which I was experimenting with blurs and gradients), and get on Skype C:
Actually, I might help with dinner. Moreso than usual. Like, I might actually help PREPARE FOOD instead of cleaning up afterward, and occasionally cooking rice. I don't know, I'm just feeling.......indescribable. Almost like I can take on anything....work-related. Like cooking xD I normally avoid cooking; bad things tend to happen when I cook anything other than rice. But anyway, I think the point of this paragraph was to illustrate my current state of mind. Which is.....awesome.

;D <3

So today I DEFEATED the Reading FCAT. Hopefully. At any rate, it seemed like I did well.
I'mma take on that Math FCAT like......I can't think of what right now. Damn.

And fkk I just discussed life on my not-life, supposedly-strictly-art blog. Damn.

Aw, screw it. I'm a bit too loopy and content with EVERYTHING to really care at this point.

WHY DID That Green Gentleman SUDDENLY POP INTO MY HEAD?
Oh well! Things have changed for me...!

Shift

2009-03-02T18:42:00.000-05:00

Drew this last Saturday when I got sick of studying for Envirothon. Indiscreetly watermarked because I don't know why. Thought I needed to try some realism. And felt the urge to draw crazy bigass glasses. The kind that were cool in, like, the 90s. RETRO, man. Seems to me like retro is the trend of the future.
Ohohoho.
I like this style. I have so many styles. I should just pick one, but I keep trying different ones, and they're all fun on different levels. Check back here over time, you'll see what I mean. VERSATILE ARTIST? Or just indecisive.
Probably the latter.

Cheers. ~M